Morning Posts 3514

Time is going by so fast we are in our Lenten season. Today is Ash Wednesday. I haven't gone to an Ash Wednesday service in a long time. I was thinking about attending today after I finish with the students at Avon Ave. School. I finally cleaned off my calendars and started adding my to do list for March. I'm not sure what I have to do this Saturday, but my thoughts keep saying that I have forgotten something. I got up a little earlier today and I'm determined to get started on some of the things that have to be done; especially the laundry. It's piling up again. I constantly have dreams about school and teaching. Did I prematurely retire. I haven't gotten the classroom out of my system. I started taking vitamin B complex tablets as a supplement for what ever I think I might be missing in the B area, but now I've gotten a cold or symptoms of a cold. I also used some old essence of oils that I had and now I've broken out with small rashes on my body. What's going on!? I haven't the foggiest. I paid the rent yesterday. It's not late but I really try to pay it by the first of the month. I didn't turn on the television. It's best to keep it off while I'm writing. I've been drinking lemon water. It's suppose to be warm, but I always drink it cold. I did start WP2's pillow. I'm going to work on it today. I have to go to Avon Ave. School today. I'm starting again with the quilters. You think your life is so full of woos, but you never know what someone else is going through. I enjoy watching television but it stops you from doing so many other things. I watch my grandsons, at least the older two; it mesmerizes them. The don't move. You have to literally shut it off in order for them to respond. It's not good and that's what we do to our children. We put them in front of the box and they are drawn in. They probably wouldn't eat or drink anything; let alone go to the bathroom. This is a great invention but now it's time to limit our watching intake. I have a cat and I love it to death, but I'm really not an animal person. I know she needs a bath and I have to try to give her on, but I don't want her to scratch or bite me. This is another task that is needed. I'm always all over the place with my thoughts, but then that's what free writing is all about. There are several things that I want to learn, one is playing the and the second one is learning to speak spanish. I'm up to my ears in debt. yes, I pay my bills every month, but then I turn around and use my credit cards and spend what I paid. Go figure! This is not good at all. I have to start a budget and stick to it. I have to be consistent and get going so that i can do other things; like travel and not have to use my cards to do it. I want to go see my sister in Omaha. I want to go to Staunton and visit Frances, and then I just want to go anywhere I can go.  I know I will have to take my sister with me, but there will be times that I go by myself. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Late Morning Pages 3414

I slept late and was happy to be able to do it. I got up and decided to check my bank account. I turned on the television and listened to one of the tv evangelist speaking about sowing. And how he sowed and God multiplied his seeds. After that I called Rev. Anderson to ask her when she's available for Linda and me to take her out before she relocates to N. C. We talked for awhile about the move, Ashley's wedding, and then we hung up. My thoughts have vanished. I had so much to write about but after I began doing other things I lost them. I rescheduled my mom's doctor appointments. Everyday I have my sister sweep and vacuum the apartment. This gives her a chance to move around and at least the floors get cleaned.

Late Morning Pages 3314

Everything must change. My mom cancelled her doctor appointments today. She could have gone because we were blessed to be spared by the snow storm.  They predicted six to twelve inches. There was barely a dusting on the ground. It was just very, very cold. My sister called me and asked if I would take her to the Wal Mart. We went and spent several hours in the store. After that we went to lunch. There was a  pizza shop in the same strip mall, so pizza it was. I waited too late to write my morning pages so I don't have a lot to write about.

Morning Pages 3214

I can't read much into it. But while I was a KZ2's birthday party. His grandpa asked me to come sit by him so he we could talk about our youngest son. I couldn't talk I was so mesmerized at the fact that he asked me to sit next to him that I was scared to say much. I have to forgive myself and then maybe I can move on. I'm take things to heart and I shouldn't. I'm trying to stop this but I haven't let go. How do I let go? I looked in the sink and the three day old dishes are still there. I keep telling myself to go wash them but I didn't. This past week I was aggravated and angry. i ate things that I shouldn't have and I snapped more at my sister. It was post menopausal sydrome. That's what I call it. I don't have a menstrual anymore, but I still get the PMS symptoms. There's always one day before my cycle would come that I did absolutely nothing. I didn't even bath! I'm not saying this in a proud way but I'm saying this because this is what happens to me or how I feel at east once every month. I know its happening because my sister's cycle always begins after this occurs. She is actually going though the same PMS but she just doesn't act on it as I do. I had a good time at Ashley and Handel's engagement party. I know they can't wait to be married and begin as one family. I didn't take my sister with me. I left her with our mom. I just needed to be with myself. I didn't even take her to the birthday party. That would have require me to do too much driving back and forth. I need to rest too. I find myself getting angry because I have my sister and then there are times when I know it's okay and I know that God doesn' make any mistakes. This is my new journey and I have to accept it. I don't know how long this season will run but I do know I have to change my attitude about it. I know not what's in store for me but I thank God for his mercy and grace. I sat next to a ninety something year old (Rev. Bryant)last night and he is still as sharp as a tack. He's changing his religion to Catholicism. I found that to be interesting. He's been a methodist minister for as long as I can remember and now he's converting to catholicism.

Late Morning Pages 3114

Wow!

Morning Pages 22814

I let little things frustrate the hell out of me. I listen to my mother and other crap that comes my way. I have to block out this negative information or spirits that come my way. I get annoyed with myself because I have the urge to be in charge and I know I'm not. I got so annoyed with my sister last night while I was talking to her. I wanted her to agree with me and she didn't but I also got angry because she has such a laissez-faire attitude. I guess I should be that way.  Once again I got up late; nine o'clock to be exact. All my thoughts and feelings that I wanted to write have been interrupted, so I can't complete this assignment today. I

Late Morning Pages 22714

Stayed in bed late, nine o'clock to be exact. I have to finish my throw. I'm weaving it together and I have two more panels to knit. I have to complete this by tomorrow. That's my deadline. I was watching a commercial and the words collapsed ceiling popped up on the screen. I immediately thought about the time the hallway ceiling fell in the apartment we lived in on Jelliff Ave. We lived on the fourth floor of the apartment building. The crawl space and then the roof was above us. I remembered how scared we were to walk under that area because stray cats from the street would make there way to into this crawl space. And one night it happened a cat fell through the hole. All I can remember is the sounds it made. I don't remember who opened the door so it could get out of the apartment. Weird but that's what those word triggered this morning. I tried to have a conversation with my sister but I get a little frustrated, But I have a solution for this. I started making her sweep the bathroom and kitchen floors, and also vacuuming the rugs throughout the house. She's tired after that and sits quietly until the next round. Today I'll introduce her to vacuuming the bedroom that she sleeps in. I watch the end of Being Mary Jane, and she was going through situations that she allowed to happen in her life. She was speaking to a Rabbi and they were discussing his book. To make a long story short. He told her that she had to forgive herself before she could move on. This definitely hit a nerve with me. I have to forgive myself, and I have to stop beating myself up for what I did or didn't do with my life. I have to LOVE ME! Sometimes I find it hard to forgive myself for how I raised my sons, and how I let myself go. I don't feel attractive or loved. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . . Thank God!