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So much going on in my head. I had such a vivid dream this morning. I could feel the young man touching me. He insisted on being so helpful by lending me his CD player. I was trying to work it, but only me I couldn't get it to play. He walked over to me and touched my hand. It startled me, so I jerked it away. I asked him how old was he. He replied, "twenty-five," I said, "I'm twice your age and some." He didn't seem to care but I did. I'm not a cougar. I'm looking for a more mature man, although I do believe he would have pleased me above and beyond the call of duty. Then the alarm on my phone rang and it was time for me to get up. Time to start my day all over again. I have to print the envelopes for Rev. Roberts and I want to try to get them to her today. I am getting ready for tonight. I am meeting my friends for dinner. We are celebrating some birthdays. I'm going in circles again. Adding things to my plate and not completing the things already on it. I get so annoyed with myself and yet I haven't stopped. Each day is a challenge for me. I have to make changes in my life that will be best for me. My morning pages are helping me but I'm still not doing them when I first get up. I'm doing other things first and then I'm writing about that instead of what's really on my mind. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . . Thank you Lord for this day!

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Wow! I text my son yesterday and he responded. I guess it was time or maybe he got tired of people trying to reach him. Once again that's neither here nor there. You can't take the world and try to carry it on your shoulders. I lay in my bed trying to sleep. I think I get sleep but then it feels as though I'm dreaming or thinking all through the night. Then the darn cat is scratching at the door. then I'm thinking about what I have to do. Today is doctor day. Appointments aren't too early but nevertheless I still have to get up and get ready. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. And I feel annoyed with myself. How am I going to make changes and get things done if I don't follow through. I rolled my sister's hair because I decided not to take her to the hairdresser. Then I wondered to myself how long will this go on. I have to maintain her appearance because she will not do it herself. She ties but doesn't hit the mark. It's cold outside but not like yesterday. It was about nine degrees yesterday. Boy, was that cold! This winter is going to be a doozie. I watched the news and two of the warmer states had bad snow storms that shut down their cities. My day started out good and then I went into the basement to wash clothes and was greeted by a wild bird flying around. Of course I was frightened. I threw my bag in the corner and ran out. I waited for my neighbor to return and I let him know about the bird. This changed my whole day. Why I haven't the foggiest idea, but it did? I didn't wash dishes last night. I watched the boob tube and got nothing done. I didn't sew. I should've finished my Big Bag, but I didn't. Excuses, excuses, excuses! There's no reason for doing nothing. I guess I was in a funk! I could use a little nukie or something to pull me out of this slump but I don't even have that. It's been so long I don't remember how many years it's been. I'm a reborn virgin. I don't even know what it feels like to make love or be loved. That's how long it's been. Oh well! Whose fault is that? Mine of course. I Need It!! Until tomorrow . . .

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The very last days of the month. I have to do better with my budget. I am taking my sister to get her hair washed and set. I have to check my funds to make sure I have enough money. It's not going to cost  a lot but still. I spend sometimes like it's water; overflowing. Yesterday was a good day. Still didn't do what I had to do or what I said I was going to accomplish but I did cook dinner. The faucet is still dripping the air is still coming through the front door; blanket still covering that. Oh boy, sometimes I wonder what my problem is why don't I speak up about the little things. I know Billy will take care of them. I ran out of toilet paper; correction I forgot to bring some up stairs last night. So I have to use napkins; nothing wrong with that. It's still paper and you can wipe yourself with it. I would send my sister downstairs for it but I know that would frustrate the hell out of me because she wouldn't be able to find it. I haven't bothered my son in a couple of days. I hope and pray that he is still in school and that the loan came through for him. It's out of my hands, but then it was never in my hands. I want to go to Las Vegas in the fall. But I don't have the down payment for the trip. I need another person because it's cheaper when it's double occupancy, or what ever you call it. How am I going to do this? I should ask my aunt or another friend but I think it's too late. I've known about this trip since Christmas. That's really not a long time. Anyway I'm going to try to go. I would love to take my sister but I know that would be more frustrating for me. It would be like babysitting the whole time. I shouldn't feel that way but it is. what's the real issue that I have with my sister. I don't know. She's mentally challenged and sometimes she just can't do anything for her self and then other times she' on point. Go figure! I guess it depends on the brain, or maybe it depends on how she feels about doing certain things for herself. Lord help me to not get annoyed with her, especially when she ignores what I'm trying to get her to try to do for herself. It's like she has know thought process at all. I was being proactive and completing a job that I had to do for someone. I gave them the items and they missed place what I had given them. Now I have to go out and buy more envelopes to make more. I was a little annoyed because I'm working on making my life better by not waiting around and letting things pile up on my plate. Oh well, Nothing I can do except make them again. I'm sitting here and I really don't know what I want to write about this morning. I have to wash clothes today, and tomorrow I'm taking my mom and sister to the doctor. I'm eating a pop tart, not a good choice for breakfast this morning. I should have boiled an egg. I have two on my plate but one will suffice. I have to cut back on my calorie intake. I have to make two doctor appointments for me. My meds are about to run out and I haven't been to my primary in a year come February. i also have to see my dentist. I retire and it seems like I'm having an issue with my front teeth. I floss and brush; no not three times a day. Maybe twice. It looks lie I'm getting a cavity in the front. Don't Need That! So the time has come, past due to take care of me. Until tomorrow . . . If the Lord spares me tonight.

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That darn cat (Sapphire) keeps pawing the bathroom door. It sounds like she's knocking on the door. She starts at seven o'clock and continues until I open the door. I have to keep her in the bathroom because she climbs and gets into everything while we are sleeping. I really don't like doing it but I have to. So, that's what I go through every morning. I still haven't heard from my youngest son. I think he has classes Monday thru Wednesday. Hopefully I will be meeting with my quilt group tonight. I have a leaky faucet and I need to get Billy to put a new washer on it. What am I waiting for? I've seen him several times and haven't said a word about the drip. I'm wasting water. I, I, I, what am I really thinking. Why am I so scared to express my true feelings? I keep them bottled up and then explode; not good! I long for a companion. I guess I'm waiting for God to send him my way. I haven't and don't go out anymore. It's been so long since I've done that. I mean, hanging out at TGIF or the Office and a few other places. I haven't done that in years. I've been home bound; my choice, or I would go out to dinner with my girl friends. I'm going out on Friday. Having dinner with my friends. I can't wait! I've let myself go. I haven't done my hair or exercised or just kept my appearance up. I guess I've been in a slump. So busy worrying about others and not myself. It's time to focus on me again. No, I don't have to spend a lot of money to take care of me. I just have to do it. Like everything else that I have to do. I'm working on scheduling, planning, preparing, and doing what I have to do in a timely fashion.

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Up early, my youngest grandson is coming to me this morning. I knew he was coming and you would think I would've gone to bed a little earlier, but noooooo not me. Anyway I stood by the door looking as the car pulled up, and my son got out. He looked so tired my eyes filled up because I just feel so helpless. I can't help him and I wish he wouldn't work so hard. But once again as painful as it is it's not my plight. I know now that we all choose our own poison and if that's his then it's his. I have my own poison; it's always been my credit cards. I get then down and something comes up and they are back up. Go figure! I'm still not being a good steward of my finances. Until I do right by my money I will continue to go around in circles. I always have a plan but it never works out the way it should. It gets complicated because I don't stick to the plan. That's my goal this year is to stick to the plan. If I do this in three years I will be debt free. MY GOAL!!! In order for this to work I have to stop spending over my budget; although my budget's been shot and thrown out a long time ago. I know I can do it. I know if I focus on one bill at a time it can be done. I was on the internet, such a wonderful tool; sometimes. I came across an article on Pinterest about cleaning your house in fifteen minutes a day.  And the whole jest of it was to focus on a different part of the house each day. You had a schedule for cleaning your house and you would time your self to see how long it would take. Wow, this may work! I'm going to give it a try. I've already printed out the schedule from the computer. I'm going to time myself to see how long it takes to thoroughly clean the different room in my apartment. So much is racing around in my head as I sit here typing my morning pages. Thinking about the loss of control or was I really in control. I'm realizing that I can't control anything except me. And sometimes I wonder if I can control myself. I start out in the morning eating the right things. Watching my intake. and the my nightfall I'm out of control. What triggers me? I know and then I refuse to learn from what I know. I've been trying to get in touch with my youngest son. He still refuses to answer. Why can't I just leave him alone?  Because I don't trust God. That's why? I pray and ask God to take care of my family all of them and then I'm trying to do the job I asked God to do. I ask God to protect them all. My three sons and their wives and children.  ask God to put a hedge of protection around all my family members those near and far. I have to let go and let God be totally in charge of my life and the lives of my children. I have to set an example for them to follow. That's if it's not too late. We tell our children to do as we say and not as we do. What's that all about? We are suppose to be an example to them; not the opposite. I sit here thinking of my relationship with my parents. Null and void. I didn't have one with my mom, but I can say as I grew older I do remember my dad giving me bits of advise on raising my sons.  I can't fault my parents although at times I do. But if they didn't know better how can they help you. I want to have a good relationship with my adult children. I hope it's not too late. Sometimes our children are scarred by what we have done and we don't know it until something tragic happens and then you find out how they really felt about you. My pray for them is peace, love, and happiness. Until tomorrow . . .

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I'm so worried about my son but I have to let go. I know he's going to be alright. Why do I hold on so tight to him? He's the youngest of three and maybe that's why I hold on. I know he can take care of himself. But I really worry about his emotions. Am I the pita that Penn always said I was. Am I being a PITA when it comes to my adult children. I didn't go to church today. Instead I picked up my oldest grandson and we went to the State Diner to have lunch. He had his usual; chicken tenders and french fries. My sister was with us and she had two hot dogs with chili and cheese, and fries.. She also had coleslaw and raspberry ice tea. I dropped my grandson home. Then I headed to find the Seniorita's restaurant. I found it. I'm going there on Friday. Meeting some friends; can't wait.I know this isn't my morning pages but I had to write. I have to keep this up. I text my son and his girl friend. I told him I wouldn't bother him anymore, and when he was ready to talk I'm here. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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Rush, rush, rush. That's what happens when you over sleep. Today is food pantry. I didn't go last week so this week is make up for me. Arrived on time and had fifteen minutes to spare. I really enjoy working the food pantry. It helps me to appreciate the small things that some people take for granted. My sister even enjoys helping in the kitchen fixing the freezer bags. This month is re-certification, and your heart goes out to some of the people who you have to turn away because they don't have all of their credentials. This hurts a bit to have to turn people away. It's truly a blessing to be able to help others in their time of need. I know the food pantry helps my mom and sister during the month. You have to be thankful for every little thing. The small blessing are so important. I so thankful for what the Lord has blessed me with. I'm glad to be able to help my sister; although there are times when I could do without her. I see how much she appreciates being able to do different things now. My morning pages became my evening pages because I didn't have time to write this morning. Sometimes I wonder if I was an effective teacher. Did I help the children I was responsible for when I taught? You never really stop teaching because you never really stop learning. We are all lifelong learners. At least that's what we have to strive for. Everyday you learn something new. You may not realize it but you do. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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Lately, I've been waking up with dry mouth. I heard on the TV that it's cause is tooth decay. Maybe I have that wrong but I keep trying to remember what I ate before I went to bed. I have to make my dental appointment. I'm late my six month check-up was due months ago. I've been taking care of everyone else I haven't taken care of me. Of course I'm going to bed late again. Then I'm sleeping late. Doesn't equate. I need to go to bead no later than nine o'clock. I saw Penn last night and I couldn't believe how cordial he was. It felt good, not fake; sincere. My television keep turning on by itself last night after I cut it off. This happen once before. I checked for the timer, but nothing was set to come on fifteen minutes after you turn it off. I got up and decided to pull the plug. I couldn't sleep because it felt like the bed was shaking when I laid down. I felt a presence in my room. I prayed asking God to put a hedge of protection around my bed. So I got up ad went into my sewing room. I knew it was too late to sew but I used my machine anyway. I made two blocks. My pieces to patch. I watched the Sprout Show. Then I was able to go back to bed. Of course I didn't doze off right away. So many thoughts going through my head. I know that you should empty your mind and not watch anything that will excite you before you go to bed. I have to start meditating and calming my spirit before I go to bed. I am working on changing my lifestyle. Today some o my colleagues are meeting at the Office in Montclair to celebrate Michelle's birthday. I'm going to try to go after my grandson is picked up. I haven't gone to a bar/restaurant in a long time, especially with the gang. I want to learn something new this year; the piano and Spanish. It's good to retrain your brain. It's not good to have a set routine. You have to recharge your brain. That's my goal this year, retrain my brain to do something that I haven't done. I'm sitting at the dinner room table listening to Fee eat her breakfast. It's not the most exciting thing to listen to. I reached for a spoon from the dish drain and the spoon didn't feel right. Of course this was a spoon that Fee washed yesterday. I forgot that I had to rewash what ever she washed. I try not to discourage her but know matter how many times you show her or walk her through the task. She always does it her way. I ate a yogurt this morning, and I'm going to have a turkey sausage next. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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Up getting ready for the doctor. Fee has to have   done. She can't eat anything so I have to remind her when she gets out of the shower. Of course my mom called me last night to put in her bid. Oh, if you can would you stop at the store and get me some blah, blah , blah. I just laugh inside because she was suppose to go to the doctor and she bailed on me. Oh, it's too cold! I'm not going out there. Same old song different tune. I know it's cold but she has to realize that she has to do things when I have it scheduled not when she wants too. This annoys the hell out of me. She's such a manipulator. It always has to be her way or she gets angry. She's a control freak;sounds familiar. Is that where I get that from. A need to be in control all the time, Nah! Okay let's see what's in store for me today. Doctor, senior quilters, winter show (William's program) anything else. Can't think right now. Too worried about being late for the doctor. This will have to be short and sweet. Until tomorrow . . .

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I dreamt about Kirstin last night or I should say this morning. There were several people in my dream and it took place in East Orange on Park Ave. Stephanie was also in my dream. She had lost so much weight. She worked out with a group of people to music outside of the house on Park Ave. Kirstin had an accident of some kind and she was carrying around the front bumper. Crazy dream! I went to bed about two o'clock in the morning. I decided to finish the Women's Day flyer, bulletin, and envelopes that are needed for church. I'm going to try to drop them off on Thursday. That's if the roads are clear. It's very cold outside. I have to adhere to my schedule today and get some things completed. Not being able to be in control of the situations or people around me makes me feel a little left out. I know that I'm a part of this family but sometimes I feel like I'm not. I feel like no one wants me anymore. I know this isn't true and it's all in my head but that's what I think about. I left the dishes in the sink for two days now. What's that all about? I haven't the foggiest notion. Each time I put a dish in the sink I told myself to wash it. If you wash it you won't have any to wash later. Do I take my own advice, NO! I'm sitting here thinking about what to type. I have so much inside but afraid to put it on paper. Two nights ago I was feeling some sort of way. I needed to be touched and loved, but there was no one here to give it to me. It's been soooooo long. I can't even remember how many years it's been. A loving touch, a whisper in the ear, a kiss on the lips, behind the ear. A kiss anywhere will do! I wonder how I will react when it does happen? Is giving yourself pleasure a bad thing? Are you suppose to sustain from feeling good? What do you do? Oh well, Enough said  . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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The forecast for today's weather is snow. We are suppose to have a bad storm or blizzard like weather. It's suppose to start later in the day close to rush hour. I got out of bed and the brightness from the window indicated that it was snowing already. Did I misunderstand the forecast. It started snowing already. I got out of bed at 8:20 and went into the living room to get a better view. Yes, it's snowing! I let the cat out of the bathroom and took the quilt that was drying and put it over Fee. My dream had my mom and sister Fee in it. There was some kind of free food event so I stopped to get something for them and I also knew that I would see some of my friends from work there. At first I tried to go in with Fee but it was too crowded. I told Fee to go and get herself something to eat and she brought back the bowl of eggs and pasta. I told her to take it back and I would get what she wanted. I left my car parked in a no parking zone. It had to be moved. I was so surprised to see my mother moving the can. I went over to the car to find out what she wanted to eat. I took Fee back into the place and she got an Italian meatball sandwich. I got something to drink for both of them and took Fee to the car. There was a van next to my car with its side door open. A woman was sitting inside with her baby on her lap. the baby's head was extended out the door.  In order for me to get Fee in the car the door had to be closed, but first the woman had to move the baby. She did and the Fee. got in the car with her food. Now I can go back and find my friends. Valene and Schkira were in the back sitting down. I was so glad to see both of them. Someone else came up to me and hugged me. I hugged them back and told them that I wished they had come with me to the other school. I tried to remember their face and name. I also tried to remember what school I was talking about. I've drawn a blank, but I can't believe that I remembered that much of my dream. I also remember that there were several people who wore the same color blue quilted that I wore; different style but the same color. I have to do better than I did yesterday. I have to get dressed and get out of this house. I stayed in all day yesterday and didn't take care of my personal being. So saying that I know that I will not let that happen again. I just remembered I was up late watching Flowers in the Attic and the cable went out. I turned the tv back on and couldn't get my station back. There was no guide. Finally I found the channel and after about ten minutes it happened again. This time I was able to get the channel back quicker. I kept pressing the guide button but nothing can up. I have to try it this morning and if it's not working call FIOS immediately. I know I shouldn't be watching so much tv but I do get caught up in old movies. Yesterday was a day to honor Dr. King's birthday and I only heard it mentioned twice on the tv. I can't believe that his memory is dwindling away. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow. . .

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As time goes on holidays and observances become less and less important. I say that because today we observe Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, and before you would hear announcements and acknowledgements of him throughout the week. This remembrance would even start in the beginning of the month. Not much has been said! He was a great man who fought for our civil rights. Yes, we were given rights because of the fight but nothing has really changed. People fell asleep once they thought they were equal. There are still subtle discriminations throughout United States. We have segregation within our own race. Oh, if only Dr. King could see us now. What would he say? How would he feel? He fought a good fight and died doing it. Do we remember? Do our children of today know who he was? I watched a documentary about the 1964 and all that was going on in our nation. It still brings tears to my eyes to see all that happened to people of color, and then when the freedom riders went south to protest for civil rights their lives were in danger. It didn't matter if you were black or white. The hatred that some people had they would kill their mama if she didn't agree with them. It is such a hurtful pain to see the hate that people had then and even now. "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aide of their country." I went to bed late last night because I wanted to finish my first scarf and I did. I found a mistake and it's in the second round, but I caught it too late so I couldn't take out the stitches. I guess that's what happens when you rush. So, for the next four I shall take my time. I thought I had so much to do today but I really don't. Little things do amount to big things. I wrote do the chores that had to be done, so I won't over look any thing. Changing the linen on the beds is a BIG must today. If I don't do it now it won't get done. It really interesting taking care of a mentally challenged individual. The things they can and can't do. The things their mind remembers today and it's gone tomorrow. Short term memory is null. They work well with a daily routine, but when something happens in their psyche that's thrown out the door. I've observed my sister for a year and nine months and she is an enigma. The older she gets the less she remembers or at least that's what she displays. Enough said . . . Thank you God for sending your son Jesus.

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Sometimes I feel like I'm PMSing and I know that's not possible. It's been a couple of years since I've gone through the whole cycle thing. I still have a cravings for sweet and salty stuff. I get very irritable and every little insignificant thing annoys me. Wow! What's going on. I snap at Fee more I get annoyed with how she does things. She becomes my target because there's no one else. That's not good! Last night I ate four chocolate donuts. Was that because I was going through or what? I haven't the foggiest idea. I know I'm unstable at times, but why now? What was my trigger? I haven't done a thing to myself or for myself. I look a mess. My hairline is full of gray hair. My body has slowly but surely increased with weight. I am letting my self go, and that's not good. I don't seem to care about my clothes and or my feet. I feel that these are not important anymore. Why am I feeling this way? Haven't got a clue r I do know and just won't say. At times I have no desire to make myself desirable. For what! I want someone to LOVE me foe ME! I don't want to front and then when these things pop up that someone gets scared and runs. I want unconditional LOVE. Not that I'm going to let myself go to any extreme but I want to know that THAt SOMEONE WILL LOVE ME! This Friday I'm going to go to dinner with some of my friends from Dr. MLK. I really miss them. I enjoyed working with them and can't wait to see how everyone is doing. I keep in touch through texting and/calling. January is a very special month because at least four or more of them have birthday's in the month. In fact two of my friend's are born on the same day as the President Obama and his wife, Michelle. I went to bed late again and as I laid there I started thinking about what I could give to the birthday ladies. I thought about making scarves for all of them, so today I will begin another project. I just added five new things to my plate. Here I go again, but this will save me money and it's more personable than anything else. I already have the all my materials. It's just the time. Do I have time to take on another task? Well let me see! This I have five days to complete this mission. My schedule is full starting Tuesday; wash clothes, chores around the house, and then Tea Cups in the evening. I think I can crochet during my down time and an hour or two before bed. I'm looking at the clock as I type my morning pages thinking about the time and that I need to stop typing and go iron Fee's pants so we can get ready for church. Why do I try to make things right for everyone else and not for myself? That's the mystery within me. Well as Mr. Tobe would say, Enough Said . . . Until Tomorrow. . .

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Up, but not early enough. I was looking at he Fios Guide and saw the movie titled Enough Said; Mr. Tobe came to mind. That's how he always ended his email messages. I just smiled and thought it was hilarious. If he was here to see that, What would he say?  Hmm, Enough Said! Yesterday was an interesting day. I completed my dinner. I fried fish and added mixed vegetables to my meal. I was very pleased with myself and wanted to share this meal with others, so when one of my son's called I mentioned that I had cooked and asked him if he would like to eat. He immediately said, "No I have dinner at home." I was taken aback by his comment. I didn't care if he had dinner at home. I was just offering him a meal. So attitude popped in and I quickly ended my call. Yes, I was annoyed. He and I really have to talk. There's been tension between us every since he got married. It's not that I don't care for his spouse, I do but sometimes I don't like what she does, and I know the feeling is mutual. So, when he arrived to pick up the baby. He asked me why did I hang up and also why didn't I answer his email. I told him I wasn't answering his email until I felt ready because I didn't want to say anything that I would regret later. So, I briefly let him know with out offending him how I felt or what I thought. I text him later and told him that we really have to talk. He agreed. I love my son and I don't want to do anything that would cause him unnecessary stress. He has enough with his job and other things. As you can see I've been thinking about this since the email. Trying to let it go, but I know it can't happen until all parties have a sit down to discuss the issues. "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." That quote came to mind. Am I the deceiver weaving the web. Enough Said . . . Until tomorrow if the Lord spares me today.

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Working towards a lifestyle change is not an easy task. I have embedded bad habits for so long. It is hard to change, but little by little making the changes do come about. That's if I really want to change.  Last night before I went to bed I started my dinner for today. This is my first step towards my change. I have to prepare my meals at least for two or more days. Planning and preparation that's my goal. I went to my Modern Quilt Guild meeting last night. It's always an interesting meeting. Seeing all the creative people and their completed projects during show and tell. I haven't brought anything in a while for show and tell because I haven't completed anything. I'm working on this area too. I have to begin completing my projects. My first step is to list what I have and then go from there. When I woke up this morning I tried to remember what I was dreaming about. I know it was an intimate dram but I can't remember all the details. i now it's time for me to be caressed and loved even though it won't happen but I need this so much. I don't have anyone to do this except me. I know that sounds crazy but sometimes you have to caress yourself. I got up early because this is day two with WP2. Have to be prepared for him. I am trying to empty my thoughts but not able to. Oh well, I hope my morning pages grow. I think I'm repeating my writings.  don't care I just need to do this. I didn't knit yesterday. I'm going to try to use the circle knitting needles. More morning pages tomorrow. Thank you God for this day. Until tomorrow . . .

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Today I'm up early because Wynton is coming. I'm going to watch him because his other grandparents are going out of town. I am still not making the morning pages my first order of business when I get out of bed, but I am doing it. It's hard to write and keep an eye on the grandson. I tried to be ready for him. I took out the garbage, vacuumed the rug, and rearranged the pillows. I'm going to be all over the place. My thoughts are random and sporadic so nothing I write is in any order. I went to bed a little earlier. I made sure the dishes were washed and I did spend a little time i bed playing Spider. A game on the iPad. When I could no longer keep my eyes open I knew it was time to cut it off and go to sleep. I'm still knitting my throw almost finished with my third panel. yesterday was my first day with the quilters at Avon Ave. School. It felt really good giving instructions on how to use the sewing machine, and letting the girls practice a little bit before they begin sewing their jelly roll strips. I came home and warmed up dinner for Fee and me. We had left over spaghetti with salad. I'm glad I prepared enough pasta to last for a couple of days. Tonight is my MQG meeting at Rock Paper Scissors in Montclair. Something else I like to do, and it's a group thing so I'm interacting with other women. I enjoy this. So I'm out at least three times a week doing something for me. Charles , Jo, and Lyle came by yesterday to pick up his mail. It was good to see Lyle. Charles told me about his two flat tires. I'm going to try to help him get two new tires. Here I go again trying to fix someone else's problem. I don't want to be in control of every situation but I just want to help him. I have to stop now can't continue because Wynton needs my attention.

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Did a little better with the getting up this morning, 7:40 to be exact. But going to be wasn't good. I stayed up until 12:00 knitting and then i went to bed only to use my ipad to check my Google email. Why is it so hard for me to do the right thing. Sleep is so important now and I'm always trying to avoid it. I remember a little about my dream that I had during the night. There were family members all around. As though we were celebrating something. I kept saying I wish Linda and the rest of the family could be here and when I looked out the window Linda and Carrie pulled up in her car. I was so happy they were so happy to be there. They went around hugging and kissing everyone. My Aunt Tunie was there and I believe I saw Uncle Jerry. Family is important to me. I don't have a clue as to why or what else was happening in my dream all I know is My family and Penn's family were together. The alarm went off and it was time to get up. I pressed snooze several times before I got up. I have to get up today is doctor day for my mom. I want to do so much and I know there's not enough time in the day to get it all done. So I have to start making my Bucket List or all the things that I want to accomplish and do. I weighed myself yesterday and oh boy! I have a lot of shedding to do. It's amazing how it comes on and it's amazing how hard it is to get off. A lifestyle change is needed. I prepared dinner last night, somethings were already cooked and the starch and vegetable had to be cooked. I sauteed kale again. This is the second time and it was even better than the first time. Delicious over penne pasta and turkey breast cutlets on time of it. great dinner. It's time to end my morning pages. Still not writing as much as I need too but I'm getting there. Thank you God for another day! I will be glad and rejoice in it.

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The mind wanders throughout the night. Do I really get any sleep? I think I do but then it seems as though I'm dreaming all the time. Sometime I can remember what I'm dreaming and other times it's a blank. I saw Penn on Sunday. I spoke but I'm not sure if he spoke back. I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do. He looks good. I would love to just spend a little time conversing with him, but I know that may never happen. I think to myself why can't I let go? What am I holding on for? He's let me go so long ago and yet I keep thinking something will change and we will get back together. Only in my dreams do we get together. Only in my dreams does he caress my body and kiss my lips. Only in my dreams does he touch me and love me so passionately. Only in my dreams! I think about how it would have been being grandparents together. I smiled a big smile when the grandchildren saw him on Sunday because they ran up to him and yelled, "Grandpa" It was such a loving sight. Wow! those are precious memories that must go into their memory banks. I really love being a grandma and I pray that I teach my grandchildren that loving someone unconditionally is so important. I want them to be loving human beings; sharing and caring for one another. I know I haven't made my three pages yet but one morning I will. Thank God for memories!

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Oh boy, did I sleep. I didn't wake up until 9:50. I am doing it again. I should've gotten up at 7:00 but I did not. I went back to sleep only to wake up with my back aching, and a slight headache. Now I'm going to start rushing because I want to do a couple of things before I pick up KZ1. Fee woke up with cramps so she needs some hot tea. Now not only am I going to be rushing but I have to take care of her.  She wants to take a hot bath instead of a shower. I am not writing in my morning pages the way I should be. I really want to sit and write before I do anything else but I haven't done that for several writings now. Every time I say I'm going to I don't follow through. I have to try!

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Stayed up until the wee hours of the morning crocheting a slouch hat. Hands ache a little because I was crocheting too long. I had a weird dream about one of my friends. She's a twin. I dreamt that she and her sister were pregnant at the same time, but her sister was due before she was. Her sister's baby was moving very aggressively in its mommies stomach. The sister was in so much pain. She couldn't even be touch. So I held my hands out around her belly and I began to pray. The more I prayed the calmer the baby got. Then the baby calmed down completely. It was time. Time to be born. Weird dream. I'm all over the place. Troubled by something I heard, praying that the person I heard about will release their anger and talk about what's really bothering them. One of my grandsons is having a problem talking to his dad. Instead he finds it easier to lie to him than to tell him the truth. It's getting worse. My grandson cries a lot and I know he thinks that this crying will get him off the hook but it doesn't. What to do, what to do? I have to stop now because once again my morning pages are interrupted by other matters. Until tomorrow.

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Got up late and went out so I didn't write yesterday. Not Good!

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I can't count this entry as morning pages because I didn't write until 11:19 am. I went to bed again late and didn't really prepare myself for the next day. my youngest grandson is coming over. I'm watching him for his parents. I'm the standby grandparent. I knew he was coming but I stayed up knitting. Went to bed at 12:30 am. I tossed and turned all night. During the wee hours of the night. I felt someone in my bed. It felt so real. I wondered what spirit was in my bed with me. I was a little scared but then I realized it had to be a good spirit because it wasn't trying to harm me. I opened my eyes and realized nothing was there. I went back to sleep.  When I woke up my body ached. I really need to exercise. I'm really going to try to do my morning pages when I get up in the morning. Until tomorrow.

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It's so easy to fall back into old habits. I stayed up late knitting and watching the Braxton Family Values. I also snacked while I was up. Crazy! I talked with my Aunt Tunie for quite awhile too. Morning comes and I get up late to get ready to take my mom to the doctors. Now I'm doing what I hate and that is rushing. It's seems like I never get a chance to take my time because once again I'm putting too much on my plate. And I can't even finish my morning pages. Poor planning on my part. So bye for now. . .

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Another day to make things right. I'm not perfect and will never be. Eve changed that for all of us when she ate the forbidden fruit. I realize that  I'm still annoyed about that email I received and I have to confront the sender, but when. I don't want to just jump out there and then my feelings and thoughts come out the wrong way, so I've decided to pray and ask God to give me the words and the time. I know He will open that door for me to speak. I don't want to speak out in anger but in love. And right now I feel it would start out in love and escalate to anger. Anyway I can't dwell on this! I have to move on. I went to my Tea Cup group last night. There were only three of us there but it didn't matter. We had a good time venting, sharing, drinking tea, and working on projects; either beginning a new one or completing an old one. I'm so grateful for my friends that I have made during the years. I really enjoy being apart of the Tea Cups. I know I retired a little early in life but I haven't retired. I'm still working. It may not be in the same capacity but it's still work. Taking care of a sister who's mentally challenged, taking a mother back and forth to the doctors, watching grandchildren or picking up grandchildren when needed, volunteering (quilting with seniors and eighth grade students). I'm not retired nor ever will be, for me one door closed and many others opened. It's good to have something to do, and it may not be something that you have to do everyday. Yes, there are days when I'm exhausted and annoyed because I've put too much on my plate for that day, but it's still rewarding to be able to do it. Thanking God for each and everyday that I'm able to do what I do. Thanking Him for the vehicle I have that allows me to take my mom and sister to the doctors. Thanking Him for the time that I have to spend with my grandchildren and praying that I leave a loving impression on them and memories that they can cherish. I'm grateful for so much, and in time God's going to show me the companion that I will spend the rest of my life with.

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I'm late writing this morning. I slept until nine and would still be in bed if it wasn't for my cat pawing at the bathroom door. She got louder and louder, and my yelling at her to stop didn't help. Anyway I tossed and turned all through the night. I slept on my stomach which made my back hurt, so I balled up in a fetal position to relieve the back pain. I heard the fierce winds blowing throughout the night. The garbage cans were being thrown about. I guess I didn't get any sleep. And then when I thought I was sleeping I went into dream mode. What did I dream about? I really can't remember. I know I'm just randomly writing but that's what the morning pages are for. It helps you to get out whatever thoughts or feelings you are harboring. I'm trying not to hold on to the email that struck me cold. I'm trying to forgive and ask God to forgive me for whatever thoughts, words, or deeds that I have committed towards the sender. Yes, I am still a little angry. I wanted to give that person a piece of my mind but that wouldn't fix the problem. I need to speak with them and find out what I did that made them send this email to me. I have to confront the situation head on, and that's something I rarely do unless I'm boiling over with anger. I keep telling my self it's okay to be angry but sin not. I'm going to stop here and hopefully today will be a better day for me. I know one thing it is a very very cold and windy day!

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Wow! I'm up early but still not early enough. I'm taking my grandson to school this morning. I'm really worried about the streets, praying I don't take the wrong route. I'm always trying to avoid the icy streets. The weather is suppose to be a little warmer, but who knows what the streets look like. I don't know what to write about. I have so many negative thoughts or things that I'm feeling and don't think I should write down. I had to vent last night about my email, but who do I talk to. I called one of my sister's and she listened to me and then we discussed the situation. I felt a little better after getting my feelings off my chest.

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You can't run and hide but that's what I feel like doing. Just leaving everything and going away from it all. I received a disturbing but true message from my son and how he felt about me and how I was making him feel. I thought in my mind that I had gotten better but I guess I hadn't. Leave it up to me to always mess up. I don't believe this crap for a minute. I didn't mess up. I didn't do anything to him, however he feels that I did. So it's time for me to step back and play my position as mom, mother-in-law, grandma what ever the title. I will know my place. It's time for me to get a life and not try to live through their life. I've know this for a long time but didn't want to face it. I can't hold on to my children. They are adults and have flown the nest. I'm the one who keeps trying to keep them in it. I must examine me I was annoyed when I got the email and I wanted to lash out but I keep telling myself "sin not and don't provoke to anger." It all goes back to being in control. I may not come right out and do it but the subtle things that I do are controlling. Even when my grandson was writing last night. I was trying to assist him but as I think about it I was trying to control what he wrote and how he did it. I frustrated him. I have to give up the ghost.

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So many thoughts going through my head and none of them making any sense. I worry about my adult children all the time especially my youngest. I pray that things will change for him. I look at my son and wonder what is going on with him. How does he feel about his life at this moment. I want so much to make things better for him and I can't or he really won't let me. Once again I'm trying to control the situation. Maybe it's suppose to be like this. Maybe it's time for me to step back and let the events and moments take place. Who am I? I'm not God! I can't control anything and make things happen. I'm just his worrying mom! I know that all through the night while I slept I was thinking about this. I was thinking about how I could make it better. I realize now that it's not going to get better until he wants it to. I can't kiss it and put a bandaid on it and say "it's okay now. " Did I get any sleep? I'm not sure because once I stopped thinking about him. I started thinking about my sister trying to remember if she took her last pill before bed. I have to do better by her. I have to take full charge and not rely on her to remember because for some reason now she's forgetting. I have a phobia about black ice and I know the weather tomorrow was going to be cold and the streets were going to be icy. I want to take my grandson out and I don't want to be afraid to drive. So much to do for others and not enough time to do for myself. My biggest problem is trying to control everything in my life, and knowing that I can't, even if I tried. I remember when I was a little girl growing up in a dysfunctional household. I had a lot of responsibilities because I was the oldest of ten children. All I ever wanted was peace between my parents but it was never like that. So you learn to lie about things. Mom tells you to call dad and tell him to come home because one of the children got hurt. You pretend to make that call and tell her that you weren't able to reach him. I don't know now if doing that made the situation better or worse, but I did it anyway. Why? because I knew that she would want to cause conflict when he did come home. Seeing this all my life or at least until I was sixteen was not a good thing to embed in your memories. So did I change my life or did I follow in those same foot steps. . . Looking back on my journey; the "apple don't fall to far from the tree."

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Thinking too much about what to write. Just write! Woke up wondering how the weather is outside. I'm thankful that I don't have to go out in this white mess. But if I had to I would. I took a picture of the snow from my window. I always loved the way snow looks when no one has walked in it. Waiting for my grandson to come. We have a good time when he visits. I'm all over the place with my thoughts. Yesterday I went out to buy some yarn that I needed to complete a hat that I was crocheting. I have to learn to calculate the exact amount so this doesn't happen each time I'm crocheting something. I completed another scarf and began two new hats. I'm on a roll. Busting it out. Here I go again I guess I'll crochet until I burn out. Always substituting something else for what's missing in my life. I have to learn to sit still sometimes. Took down the tree and putting away the decorations. I loved this Christmas. Decorating the house and buying little things to give to my family was a joy. Oh boy, how many times am I going to say I . . .

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Sometime ago, I read the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and in her book she had an exercise that was nonnegotiable. You had to do it every morning. You had to write three pages of what ever crossed your mind, and it had to be done when you first woke up; before you did anything else. So I decided that I would begin writing in my blog; first thing in the morning before I did anything else. My thoughts may not make sense, but it will be my release of whatever I'm thinking or feeling at that time. No it won't be three pages, but who knows . . . what will become of it.
So hear goes . . . stayed up late crocheting another infinity scarf. I'm really proud of the number of completed scarves I've made so far. I wish I could complete that many quilts. I'm always completing the quilt tops but never sandwiching them so I can do the final step. I've decide to try to complete one thing a week. What ever I'm working on. My goal is to complete before I begin something new. Penn use to tell me that when I started something I would become obsessed with it. I remembered when he taught me how to macrame. He had a gig and I was at home. That night I think I make three or four plant holders. I get like that. I rush through things. Then I move on to something else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ADD. I will have several projects going and not really completing one. That's why I'm going to try to finish before I begin a new one. There are so many changes happening with me and I feel overwhelmed and sometimes I can't cope. I am happy, sad, angry, needy, wanting, and dying for a simple touch. I thank God for the people in my life and I am thanking Him for new people He will send to me. This is my year! 2014!!!  My first morning page.

Day by Day

New year, new day, making resolutions about the changes that you will make for this year; stop fronting and wasting time. Yesterday I cooked for the first time in a long time. I mean I cooked fresh foods, not processed ones. I sautéed baby kale, fried cod, boiled and mashed butternut squash, and last but not least some baked macaroni and cheese. This was the beginning of my new year. I also completed the beanie hat I was crocheting and started crocheting another infinity scarf. I turned the television off for a couple of hours and listened to some music.