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I'm still not doing these morning pages right, so I decided to change and start writing about "what I'm grateful for?" I grateful for the movement of my hands. I grateful for how God continues to keep me even when I mess up. I'm grateful for my life and the lives of others that God has placed around me.

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Thankful for a great day!

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I am so thankful.

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This is the day that the Lord has made and I will be glad and rejoice in it. Thank You God for another opportunity to get it right. I love for companionship. I know that you are here and with me, but I do long for a touch, a hug, a kiss, a laugh with the opposite sex. I yearn for a slow hand and an easy touch. I am so grateful to have lived to see some of my grandchildren. I pray that I see many more. I'm grateful for my friends that God has placed in my life. I'm so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ.

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I'm so crazy. I'm thinking more and more about Penn. Lord help me to make the changes I have to make to move on. I want Penn in my life and I want it to be more than just a parent. Please forgive me for my transgressions, anger, reactions, and not having faith in what You can do. I'm so thankful for all that You do for me. I'm so thankful for how you keep me from day to day. God please forgive my trespasses. Why can't Penn want me back? That's what I think about all the time. I can't move on until I completely let GO and Let God do it all!

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I've been dreaming about Penn or I should say he's been showing up in my dreams. I am angry that he doesn't want me back, but I am glad that he's talking to me. I am thankful for the little steps that Penn and I are making. I am thankful that my flame is sparking again. I got stuck and I can't let that happen. I've been caught up with gossiping too much between my siblings and I have to stop that. I have to listen more and not jump into situations too fast. Thank You God for this day!

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Angry with myself. I'm thinking about what my life would have been like with Penn. I'm beating myself up. Thanking God for his grace. I have to let go and let God guide me. I didn't pick up the layaway, so tomorrow I will go and pay on it. I haven't lost any weight. I keep telling myself "I'm going to start tomorrow, and tomorrow continues to be tomorrows." I keep fooling myself. I saw a quilt buddy of mine and she looks great. She's been on a lifestyle change, and she's really sticking to it. All I could think about was when I did that. I felt great! I know I can do this again. It's for my health and no one else. I have to want better for me! I have to let go of old thoughts, and I have to move forward. I have to treat myself like the precious GEM that I am.

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This is a crazy time for me. I don't know what I should be doing. Maybe I shouldn't do anything, just continue to pray and let God do the rest. I feel as though I'm taking myself in circles and I guess that's because I'm still trying to control the situation. Thank you God for the day.

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Never a dull though in my head. I am always thinking about Penn. I haven't stopped thinking about what I can't have. I hate the fact that I can't let go of wanting him. I know he doesn't want me so why am I determined to have him. Is it because I don't want anyone else to have him? Only God knows!

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Forgot to blog today.

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Woke up at 6:00 this morning. So many thoughts going through my head. I keep thinking about Penn; only because the closer I think he's trying to get back to me. The farther he's moving away from me. I have to stop reading more into our conversations. I get angry with myself for not letting go. Although I tell myself that I have. I do love and care about Penn. I pray constantly about God putting us back together; that's if it's suppose to be. Only God knows what our future is as a couple. I was thinking about my adult children and how I'm always holding on to them and trying at times to control their lives. I get angry with helping my mom and even having my sister, and then I look at myself and how God has kept me. I am so compulsive and I have to be still and not try to fix everything. I am always trying to keep things in my control. If I let Go and Let God be in charge of my life I know all things are possible. I haven't quilted in weeks. I haven't completed projects that I have in my head or started. I know this isn't going to happen unless I let go and start. Don't make excuses! Don't blame anyone but myself! I thank God for the joy that He's given me with my Penn, my children, my friends, my family, my crafts, and now my grandchildren. I am so thankful for all these things. I am happy with the baby steps that I've made, and now I know I have to drop off all the layers and start new. I have to release these thoughts and I have to let God slowly put on new layers. I have to leave the old at the alter. I was angry with Penn but it wasn't all his fault. I have made many mistakes but I can't continue to look at the past or hold on to the past. I have to move forward. I want LOVE, compassion, companionship, happiness. But first I have to LOVE myself.

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Missed writing today. God's grace is sufficient.

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I have to be as straight forward with Penn as I can. He's come a long way. He's talking to me now and I'm so glad of that, but I have to communicate with him. I am still angry with myself for not letting go of Penn. Not because I want  someone else but because I need to free myself from this hold that I have. I have to be honest with myself. I feel bad that Penn's mom was very angry with him after Will's wedding. I pray that he let's go and get back with her. He was so close to his mom and now he hardly speaks to her. I think he should reconsider. I have to let go my underlying anger that I have for my mom. I have to see her for who she is and not be angry when she doesn't do what she should for herself. I am only responsible for me and I have to start now. I see myself going forward and then I fall back into that same old bag. I have to decide what I'm going to do; not so much as to how I'm going to do it. I know that God is moving in my life and He's going to bring me through. I pray for His direction. I've let myself get into a slump. I haven't be productive. I start out in my head saying what I'm going to do and then I don't do it. I want to work on the second quilt so I can give then to Janet. She's going to give them to her seniors that she takes care of. I have been so laid back. I have so much to do and I haven't done it yet! I am happy that I went to the jazz festival and I am happy that I ran into Penn. Thank you God; although I was scared when I saw him. I thought he would be angry with me, because I was in his area. I watched him throughout the show. He didn't see me but I did see him. I am going to work on a few changes today. I am going to treat myself like the precious object I am.

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I have to stop holding on. I have to let go and let God bring me through. I'm scared. I've been in control so long that I have a hard time taking off the gloves. I have a hard time showing who I really am. I I I that's all I'm thinking about now. Is it so wrong to think about me now and not about what others need. Maybe I'm a phony. Maybe I do things to make people like me and maybe I'm not sincere at all. I have to stop and do nothing. I have to take care of who I am. I have to change me.

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I have to LOVE myself first, before I love someone else. God's grace and mercy will bring me through. Thank You God for this day.

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This is the day that the Lord has made and know matter how it ends God is in control.

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A great day!

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Good Morning God, I want to thank You for my life. I want to thank You for my growth in You. I want to thank You for all You do for my family. I want to thank You for Penn and how You keep him here with us. How You have his health in Your hands. Thank You God for this day!

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God's grace is sufficient. I thank God for how he's working in my life. I thank Him for all he's done for me and my family.

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Good morning God! Thank you for directing my path. You are an awesome God!

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Praise God from Whom all Blessings flow. Thank You God for everything.

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So much going on today, but I thank God for his mercy. I pray much strength for my family.

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God's grace is sufficient. I pray for peace and comfort.Thank you God for how you work in our lives.

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Thank you God for another day of HOPE! I'm thankful for Your love and mercy. I'm so thankful for how you keep us safe as we slumber. I'm so thankful for who You are. I pray that the people who live around my mother will be peaceful. I thank you for her new apartment. THANK YOU GOD!

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Thank you God for this day. Today we celebrated or acknowledge the birthdays for Carmella "Pudney" Wortman; my aunt, Yvette Muhammad; my cousin, and Rose Leona Giles; my sister. I thank God for his mercy and grace for all of us to see another year.

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God is good and I thank him for each and everyday.

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I'm grateful for my time that I spend with my grandsons. I'm thankful for the little blessings that You give me. I'm grateful for my life and the ability to move around and take care of others.

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Thank you God for this day. A day that I can rest and not feel pressured.