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I let little things frustrate the hell out of me. I listen to my mother and other crap that comes my way. I have to block out this negative information or spirits that come my way. I get annoyed with myself because I have the urge to be in charge and I know I'm not. I got so annoyed with my sister last night while I was talking to her. I wanted her to agree with me and she didn't but I also got angry because she has such a laissez-faire attitude. I guess I should be that way.  Once again I got up late; nine o'clock to be exact. All my thoughts and feelings that I wanted to write have been interrupted, so I can't complete this assignment today. I

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Stayed in bed late, nine o'clock to be exact. I have to finish my throw. I'm weaving it together and I have two more panels to knit. I have to complete this by tomorrow. That's my deadline. I was watching a commercial and the words collapsed ceiling popped up on the screen. I immediately thought about the time the hallway ceiling fell in the apartment we lived in on Jelliff Ave. We lived on the fourth floor of the apartment building. The crawl space and then the roof was above us. I remembered how scared we were to walk under that area because stray cats from the street would make there way to into this crawl space. And one night it happened a cat fell through the hole. All I can remember is the sounds it made. I don't remember who opened the door so it could get out of the apartment. Weird but that's what those word triggered this morning. I tried to have a conversation with my sister but I get a little frustrated, But I have a solution for this. I started making her sweep the bathroom and kitchen floors, and also vacuuming the rugs throughout the house. She's tired after that and sits quietly until the next round. Today I'll introduce her to vacuuming the bedroom that she sleeps in. I watch the end of Being Mary Jane, and she was going through situations that she allowed to happen in her life. She was speaking to a Rabbi and they were discussing his book. To make a long story short. He told her that she had to forgive herself before she could move on. This definitely hit a nerve with me. I have to forgive myself, and I have to stop beating myself up for what I did or didn't do with my life. I have to LOVE ME! Sometimes I find it hard to forgive myself for how I raised my sons, and how I let myself go. I don't feel attractive or loved. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . . Thank God!  

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I stayed up late watching Tyler Perry's Soap. I did it again. Off task! instead of working on my throw I started another project. I wanted to make Hope a hat and scarf, so for two days I worked on this instead of the throw. This is what happens to me. I change in mud stream. No consistency! I should have kept on track and not changed up in mid stride. My mom called me yesterday. She wanted to borrow twenty dollars from me. I told her that I didn't have it. I told her that she has fifty dollars in her account and I would get it and bring it to her. She said no, I don't want that. Then she calls me this morning and says that because of the snow I don't have to bring it. She would do with what she had. She doesn't realize that I wasn't going to come out there just to bring her some money. All she wants to do and I know it's not my place to say but she wants to buy scratch offs. She's addicted to the game. Then she says never mine. She can get the money when we go to the doctors on Monday. I have to stop answering the phone when she calls, but I'm a little hesitant because I don't want to ignore an emergency.

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Up early, getting ready for the dentist. I dread going but I know I have to take care of my teeth. I don't have a mouth full anymore so the few I have I need to keep them. I was compelled to make Hope a scarf and hat. I bought some yarn on Saturday and decided I would use that, so last night as my sister and I watched television I began to make a hat and then I started on a scarf. Of course I stayed up until midnight trying to finish the scarf. The pattern I chose to make for the scarf was very time consuming and it used a lot of yarn, but I wanted to use that particular pattern. Oh well, it will take all day today to finish. I've been thinking about my son's parenting skills and I realize that he learned what he lived. Although he is doing a great deal better he's still leaving out the most important part. The love and time you put into it. The quality not the quantity is so important. I put my phone on vibrate when I was in the library yesterday and forgot to turn it back on. I had missed ten calls; eight of them from my mother. I tell you if she really wanted to get in touch with me she should have called the house phone; Charles did. I sit here watching my sister go through her daily routine. The same old thing day in and day out, and then there are times when she flips the script and she hasn't a clue as to what to do first. It's very interesting how the mind works. I weighed myself this morning without clothes on. The numbers on the scale were scary. I weigh two hundred twelve pounds. That's terrible! I've gained twenty-five pounds in a year. I allowed my frustrations and angry to cause me to eat like a banshee. It's getting closer to eight o'clock, time to put on my shoes and get out of here. I have to be a doer of the word and not just a hearer. I have to want to take care of me! and not let my circumstances or environment dictate how or what I do for my existence. I keep telling myself that everyday is a gift, so open it up and use it, but sometimes I don't think I truly believe it myself. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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I laid in bed, later than usual and was thinking about the last two pictures I watched on television. I had to laugh because I caught myself sounding like my sister. She gets up in the morning talking about the television show that she watched the previous night. I had to shake my head and say to myself are you crazy that's just a movie. It's not reality. I had two calls from my mom this morning. She's home alone and of course that's a problem for her. She complains when she's there with someone and then she's upset when she's by herself. I waited too late and didn't get my refills done, but I know I asked Dr. Kowalec to send in a new script before she left. I know I didn't get a new one from Dr. Jongco. Anyway, I have to get some new scripts. I have several things on my to do list today. I really want to go and check on WP1. I told him I was coming to see him and I have to keep my word. I know that I have nothing to do with how his parents are raising him, but I was just thinking about his whole situation. When his father has him, does his mother call him, and when his mother has him does his father call him? It was just a thought. Out of sight out of mind! It's almost as though he doesn't exist until he's with the other person. Maybe I'm wrong, but that has a lot to do with what WP1 is going through too. Mind your business is what they would probably say, but he is my business. Then it's me I realize that I am a hearer and not a doer of the Word of God. I listened to the sermon yesterday and I haven't been a doer, but a hearer. I don't act on what God has for me to do. I start out that way but never get to the finish line. I have to call and make a dental appointment for my mom and then I'm going to go to my doctor's office about my script. I worked on my knitting project still have two panels to complete. I have to get busy this is the last week in March. I want to give it to Hope soon. I am going to call Janie to find out what time WP1 gets to her house. I have to see him. I'm also going to ask my son a question about the role he plays in his son's life. I know I have some nerve to be asking but I feel that it has a lot to do with how WP1 feel about himself. No, I'm not a doctor but I am observant, and I know what not having a full time father can do to a child. Enough said . . . Mr. Tobe I miss you! Until tomorrow. . . Thank you God for this day!!!!

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Great Day!

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Up and out of bed by nine o'clock. I am going to pick up WP1 before noon. I printed out the programs last night before I went to bed. I have a slight headache so I ate and took my meds. The apartment is a little chilly. I have to turn up the heat. I took a warm bath last night and that was very refreshing. I am taking my time but I have to go out and I hate that the streets are icy. My sister showed me a bump under her left arm. It looks a little irritated. I am going to apply a warm compress later and hope that it comes to a head. I washed clothes, swept the floors; even had Fee to sweep the kitchen floor. e both vacuumed the rugs. I did almost everything that I had to complete yesterday.

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I woke up early enough to take my car for its oil change, but I didn't. I stayed up late, very late, and I didn't want to get up at 6:00 to take it. I called and cancelled my appointment. I slept until 9:30. It felt good not to get up, but I had to . I am going to, hopefully work on everything that I didn't work on this week. so I'm going to print out on program for church, put another load of clothes in the washer, and continue knitting my throw. I also have to vacuum the rooms with carpet  and sweep the bathroom and kitchen. I need to change the sheets on my sister's bed. I have several things to complete today and I will work towards completing them. Sometimes I think I'm pressuring my oldest grandson too much. I want him to be successful with his school work. I know he has to come into his own, but I want to help him find strategies that will make him feel good about himself and successful while doing it. I have to work on my taxes.I pray that I don't have to pay back too much or anything at all. I went to my NJMQG meeting last night. I really enjoy going and seeing what all the talented quilters make. Sometimes I feel so inadequate. I think I'm not as talented as others. The ideas they come up with are awesome. Oh well, I turned in my challenge blocks. I am going to replicate what I made into a quilt for myself. I'm sitting here writing late and listening to the television that my sister is watching. She has a comment about everything she watches. I try to tune her out but sometimes it gets to be too much. I know television is much of her life. i try to get her to do other things but some of the tasks are too hard for her. I leave it alone for awhile so I don't get frustrated with her. I can snap sometimes and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be mean or angry with her. I now know how she got on my mother's nerves but that was because they stayed in the house all the time. At least if she gets on my nerves I can leave her at home or we can go out. Cabin fever is not a good thing!  Enough said . . .  Until tomorrow . . .

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I'm up early again, but not as early as I was yesterday. I have to get in the shower and be ready for my grandson. I have to get the garbage out too before the garbage men come. I have to finalize the program and call Rev. to make sure I have everything in its proper place. I picked up my grandson from school yesterday and then my niece needed me to pick her up. My grandson is always overloaded with homework, so I had him start one of his assignment while I drove him home. He has to read for twenty minutes, so I told him to do that. I had him read to me. Then he had to tell me something about it. I wrote down what he said because he had to email that to his teacher. I'm not sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing but he did get one of his assignments completed. I'm watching my youngest grandson this morning so I have to get ready for him. I enjoy watching him, but he's a little sick today. I hope he will be okay. My room are growing again. I have to get rid of this paper, old clothes and other things that are just here. If I haven't used it I have to get rid of it. I'm going to give it to someone else. I had a conversation with one of my sisters last night concerning our mom. She told me that my mom thought that I told another sister not to lend her any money. I just can't believe my mom sometimes. She must have cabin fever all the time because she does nothing with herself except stay in the house. I know she may not be able to get up and just go, but she can get up and walk outside and to the mailbox and then back in the house. But once again who am I to tell her how she should live or what she should be doing!? For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whom shall believe in Him shall have everlasting life. Each day is a gift. I have to remember to open mine everyday. Until tomorrow . . .

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God is so good, and I thank Him for his Love and Mercy. My son fell down the stairs last night. He didn't see the layer of ice that was on the steps. He hit his arm and hip area. He's sore and in a little pain. I suggested that he go to the emergency room, but he wants to try to rest and see if the pain will ease up. I was scheduled to take my car for an oil change, but I cancelled the appointment because Will text me this morning because he needed me to take WP1 to school. God is so good because He had already put it in my mind last night that I was going to take WP1 to school. I have to stop and think about God's goodness. I know things could have been worse for my son, but it wasn't. After this occurred I went to my quilt session; late but I needed to be there I had to vent. It seemed as though everything or I should say little obstacles were getting in my way. I knew what I had to do, but other things were rearing their ugly heads. I'm just so thankful that I can help my children when they need my services. I am so thankful that I am retired from one occupation and moved into another. I never know what God has in store for me, but I try to be available when He calls. I haven't said anything to my sister but I'm going to take her to get her hair done today. I don't mean to be rude or nasty to my mom but she just annoys me to no end. I realize that she's in the house all day; her choice. When and if she wanted to go out all she has to do is ask, but I want her to tell me where she would like to go. I also want her to realize that I don't have money to give her or spend on her. She has to stop looking for me to always provide her with things. I know I started out giving her while she was with my brother and still recuperating. But I had to stop that. I have no money and my credit cards are maxed out. I know I did this and she's not the blame but now she has to know that I can't do it anymore. I know we are to honor our parents and I do try to live by this but sometimes my mom doesn't honor her children. I got up early and got dressed so I could get WP1 to school. I stopped at BK and got him his favorite fast food breakfast. Chicken and biscuit with an orange juice. I do feel bad that I'm filling him up with processed foods, but it is so convenient. WP1 didn't complete all of his homework so he had to do it during morning care. I told him to focus and get it done. I hope he does. I try not to be so hard on WP1 but he's just so unfocused. I don't know if it's because he's with his dad one week and then his mom the next. This goes on throughout the month. Then holidays and summer is something different. I really think he should be in one place now, so he can focus on school and growing up. I know I'm only grandma, but sometimes I wish I could keep him so he's stable and not all over the place. A set of rules here and a set there; so confusing for a young child. Well that's another situation that's not mine but I think about it all the time. He's struggling in school, he wants to be a family, but he feels detached. He wants his parents to be together but that's never going to happen. As he gets older his feelings come out more and more. He wanted to know why his parents weren't together. He wanted to know if they were happy when they were together. So much going through his little head. So much going through my head too. Once again that's where that control comes in. I want to be able to control this situation and I can't. I'm not suppose to. all I can do is support my grandson and his parents when I can. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . . God's grace is sufficient.

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The earth is our mother. We must take care of her. That song went through my head while I laid in my bed this morning. I also had a dream about Penn and being in Va. We were trying to get intimate but there were people there and we couldn't get too involved without them seeing us. I also dreamt about a class of about eight students. They were great kids. We were preparing for an assembly program. They were reciting and dramatizing several readings. One of them would be reciting a poem about math. Charles E. asked me if I incorporated math in my program because math and science is important. I watched a nature documentary about ducks. The wood duck was mentioned throughout the film. The should them copulating. It was really interesting how the female selected her mate although the male thought he was choosing her.  I really need to have someone in my life that I can talk to and touch. I dreamt that I was touching Penn's body. It was so real. I felt the smoothness of his . . . the stiffness of his . . . I know I shouldn't be writing this but I have too. It was so real. These things are missing in my life so that's why I dream like this, at least twice a week. I didn't complete my last two tasks that I had to do yesterday. Enough said . . . I really have to write as soon as I get out of bed. Until tomorrow . . .

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Slept late this morning. Got up and began making appoints and calling about my car insurance. I thought about this as I slept and knew I had to jump on it right away. I made breakfast and ate a lot of turkey bacon. I had my sister help me vacuum the living room and hall. I made sure all of the dishes were washed; pots included. I think about Penn all the time. Hoping that he and I get back together. I love him and would like to be with him, but I would not like it to be the way it was. I would really like to communicate more with him. Tell him how I feel and what I want as well as him telling me what he wants and how he feels. I would also express how I feel when he says or does something foul. This is all a dream. I know we will never be again. Wishful thinking or should I say dreaming! LOL  

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As I lay in bed I'm thinking about so many things to write about. Then I get up and I'm a blank. So much runs through my head. I have so much to express and then nothing. Yesterday we celebrated WP2's birthday. It was a nice gathering. I enjoyed watching the kids have fun. I met with one of my son's and his girlfriend after the party. We went out for a late dinner. I needed that. I got a chance to talk  to him. He's still not letting me completely in. I know he's feeling some sort of way, but I know this too will pass. I am praying that my entire family will release the scars that we have and move on. We have to let go, especial me and move on. It's interesting how we carry so much hurt and never let it go. How do we get rid of it. I have to approach my outlook differently when it comes to dealing with my mother and my sister. I allow my self to become reactive instead of proactive. This is going to take a lot of prayer and meditation. I'm so nosey and I have to stop worrying about my family and take care of me. My arm was aching me yesterday. I think it was from the shoveling the day before. I have to try to get on top of things when the snow is falling. I have to change my physical, mental, and spiritual being. I do thank God each and everyday for the gift of life but now I have to show God that I do thank Him. Until tomorrow . . .

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I was pressed for time this morning. There were several events that were on my plate that I had to get through today. My day started with my grandson WP2. He stayed over and of course as usual he woke up during the wee hours of the morning. I really think he had a bad case of gas. He was so uncomfortable. He moaned and whimpered off and on for a good hour and a half. Finally he went back to sleep. so I was exhausted but I persevered. I had to get my grandson ready to be picked up and then I was off to church. While at church my right upper arm began to ache. It was hard for me to move my arm. I continued doing what I was doing until 2:30 when the pantry closed. I took Evang. Brazier home and she gave me some Aleve to take. It made a big difference in how I felt. Still my day wasn't over. I got my times mixed up with the housewarming that I was suppose to attend. So I decided not to go. I went to WP2's second birthday party. Oh I forgot to mention that I picked up my niece and nephews and took them to the party. On top of that it began to snow. Yes, snow again! I was in need of sleep, but I kept going anyway. My mind has been cluttered. I'm not getting things right. I need to stop being the third party and tell others to do it themselves.

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As I lay in bed contemplating on when I should get up. I received a text from Penn. It said, "Happy VD d enjoy your day!" This text made my day. I was glad he sent it. I got up took my shower and got dressed. I had to go brave the elements and shovel myself out. I had to go to church to meet Pastor. He's going to show me how to input the information for the food pantry. I received a text from him and then a call because the church wasn't shoveled out and he would let me know when he was going to be at the church. So I continued cleaning myself out. One of my neighbors; a lad of twelve helped me shovel. In fact he helped all of us, so Theresa gave him twenty dollars and I gave him nine. He was such a BIG help. I went to Shop Rite and picked up a few groceries. I'm waiting on Rev.'s call. Tomorrow we our celebrating Wynton's birthday. He's having a party at Pump It Up. We are suppose to get more snow tonight into tomorrow. I have a real busy day tomorrow. The food pantry, the party, and then a house warming. Oh Boy! so much to do. I had a dream about Penn and my old childhood neighborhood. When I first got up I could remember what it was about , but as time went on and I started doing things it slowly left my mind. But I do remember Penn being there with me. He was helping me with Fee. Thank you Lord for this day.  Until tomorrow . . .

 

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Wow! The storm came and BOY we are snowed in. This is a snowy winter for us. I laid in my bed until nine o'clock. I completed everything I had planned to do yesterday. I think I pushed myself too hard because I felt a little dizzy when I went to bed last night. I thought about my aunt and friends in this weather. I woke up feeling a little dizzy. I got up ate an apple and watched the news. Channel 2 had storm reports. I really need to have the computer in the bedroom so I can write when I first get up. The schools in my area were closed yesterday, so no children or teachers had to be on the road in this weather. I heard the siren go off at six o'clock. I watched the snowplow come down the street. It plowed away a lot of snow, but you wouldn't know it was here because the street is covered again. New York is crazy some of their schools are open and they have a full day. Hopefully all of my family is snuggled in their beds. My neighbor across the street is out shoveling her stairs and walkway. I'm not sure how many inches are out there but it looks like a foot of snow. I had to turn the news off. It was looping and repeating itself. I'm not writing how I should be. It should be free writing and I'm writing about what I am seeing or hearing. I'm going to stop now. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Outside at 10:00 am

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My phone alarm went off again at 7 am. I rolled over and pressed snooze. A few more minutes to lay here. In the meantime I could hear the cat pawing at the bathroom door. She wanted out. I lay here trying to decide if I should get up. The deciding factor was when the phone rang, so 8:30 it was. I got up checked my voice messages, drank some water, turned on the television; for caller id, and began writing. I was glad that I went to my quilting group last night. It was very cold out but it was good to be with friends. I laughed, sewed, had crazy discussions and completed my straps for my Big Bag. This bag should've taken no more than several hours or a day or two to complete. I've taken several weeks. Why? because I only work on it when I go quilting on Tuesday. I am getting lazier by the day. I don't want to do anything, and yet I know this is not me. I have to go out and pick up my mom's sisters medicines from Stop and Shop. Of course I mentioned this to my mom and now she wants me to buy her something and bring it to her. She said I would have to bring it upstairs because my other sister who lives with her wouldn't come downstairs to get it. Here we go again. I can't get caught up in the constant mess. So I'm going to get dressed and go do what I have to do. Then when I get back I'm going to prepare dinner, work on the bulletins and flier for church, and last but not least work on my projects. I get so angry with myself for letting my mom in my head and making me feel like I have to help her. She's always done this to me or I should say I've always let her do this to me. I pray that she would take charge of herself and try to help herself a little more. She needs to be independent and do what she can for herself. Her basic needs can be done for her by her. I've decided to try to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I won't vent so much to my sisters because they really don't want to hear it. They have their own baggage and anyway sometimes I think some of them aren't listening anyway. I dream of my class, my students, or I dream of teaching again. i know I'm still going through withdrawal. I also think about and dream about being loved in such a way that is both physical as well as spiritual. A love that touches my mind, body, and soul. A love that allows me to be me. A love that I ask what's my pleasure? A love that needs no words just thoughts, just a look, just a smile. A love that is unconditional. Thank God for this day. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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Before I went to bed last night I turned the heat down to 65 degrees so I wouldn't sweat so much while I slept. I also read an article about the benefits of lemon water. Why drinking warm lemon water was beneficial for your body. I decided that I would try to drink a cup a day. I know I have to be careful for the acidity on the teeth. My mind was on getting up early so I could get to WP's school. I felt better than yesterday. I wasn't feeling so overwhelming. I don't know why I let things concerning ,y mom bother me. I called my youngest sister and talked to her. She is my sounding board. I love talking to her. She brings me back to earth. I know there is only a few things that I can do; once again I have to let go of the control. So I Woke up early! went to WP2's school program. I was so glad that I could be there for him. God is so good to me. I left my pocketbook home with all my ids and everything money included. Anyway I made it home with no problem. Today is WP2's birthday. He's two years old! Thank God for continuing to heal his little body. I love that little rascal. He's such a tough, strong willed kid. Until tomorrow . . .

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I feel sad today and lonely today. I want to scream and yell. Things are still the same. I don't know if I'm growing or changing. I feel as though I'm nowhere. I sleep late. I eat late. I don't complete things. I try to be consistent but I'm not. This is one of my downfalls; consistency. If I had done this with my children and my life maybe things would've been different. I know I have no control over how things will trun out but I try all the time. This is not what I'm suppose to be doing. Until tomorrow . . .

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My bank issued me a new bankcard. They said my old one was compromised when the Target situation occurred. I had know idea that it was. anyway I'm glad that they are on top of things, but now I have to make sure I change my number with EZ Pass and Banfield. I hope I don't forget. Must do it ASAP. I am still in a funk. The more I think I'm out of it the more I see that I'm not. On my way home from my son's house I stopped and bought a frozen soda and two buffalo chicken rolls. Did I need this junk? No way! I think I was still brewing over the email I received several months ago. I thought I let it go but I hadn't. Negativity can eat you up if you let it, and I can't let it. I'm also all wound up about situations that have occurred with my mom. These things I have no control over but I'm letting them dictate me. What's that all about? Is it because I try so hard to control things, and when there is a change I can't really handle it? Yes, that's what it is! I always want to stay on top of things. This is not a need. It's a want! Crazy! Yes, crazy! Now what? I have stopped planning and preparing. I have not worked on my quilt challenges. I have done absolutely nothing! As usual I writing my morning pages late, and now I have to stop and get in the shower. I don't want to be late for church. Until tomorrow . . .

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Can't figure out why I can't locate one of my mom's rent receipts. I have papers everywhere. I thought I was keeping everything in her bill paying notebook, but they all weren't there. There's always a wrench thrown in the wheel when it seems like everything is going smoothly. I know I will find it because I don't throw anything away. I stayed up late and because of this I slept late. I'm up and moving around now. I had fish with hot sauce for breakfast. I vacuumed the rugs and now I'm writing in my blog. I have to make sure that I shower and work on the bulletins and flier for church. I had a dream about school children. I wasn't teaching them but I was around them with another teacher. I miss teaching, but on the other hand I'm glad I'm not still teaching in a classroom. I do enjoy volunteering and working with the seniors. My thoughts are all over the place because I didn't start writing first so other factors are  invading my thoughts. I have to stop writing now. Thank you God for the little things. Until tomorrow . . .

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Crazy dreams, filled with violence, sex, and anger. I went in and out of the same dream. Really strange, I can't remember it, yet I see people; men especially. I remember a fight happening in a public bathroom. I kept trying to get someone to help the person being beaten. I stayed up late and had to get up early to be ready for my grandson. I get angry with myself because I don't go to bed on time, and then I get annoyed because my sister sleeps until eleven.  At times I don't care if she sleeps late and then other times I get angry because she can. I'm not sure if I've created a monster because she does nothing, so why should she be tired. Then I realize that even when she does things I have to go behind her and straighten them out. I just woke her up and because of her response to me I got a little angry and told her that she will be going to be early because she doesn't like to get up early. I know this was really foolish of me. Then she just sits on the bed after I started the shower for her. I told her she had to come and get her new bar of soap. I think all of this anger I have is really about how I'm feeling about myself. I am not doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I didn't cook yesterday, but I did complete the wash. Instead of doing what I had on my list. I took my other sister shopping so she and our mom would have food for the next two weeks. I did knit before I went to bed. That's another thing that kept me up late. I was trying to catch up on what I hadn't done. I didn't work on any of my other projects. Yesterday was a good day. I just didn't open up the whole gift. I'm going to try it again today.

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I didn't dance yesterday but I did washed all of my clothes. I have a load left I the dryer. I do have the linen to wash but it's nothing like having clean clothes. They get dirty so fast and then you're back in the basement washing all over again. I haven't seen the bird so it just might be dead. I know it has to be there was no food or water for it. I'm still dealing with these cold symptoms. But they seem to be getting better. I have to continue with the tea and Airborne. Last night my mom called me saying that I had to find her a place to live. She was tired of my brother. He went to the store for her and spent her money. He didn't bring her back anything. This is typical of a drug fiend. You can't give him money or ask him to do anything for you because he will steal from you. I was so annoyed with her because she knows this. I told her to call the police and have him locked up for taking her money. There is know hope for him until he's ready to help himself. It's things like this that make me want to scream and just get away from them all. I watch a taped Dr. Oz show on losing fat. Of course he has so many different people on the show and everyone has their own plan. The one I saw last night reminded me of the Hilton Head Metabolism Diet, so I went to see if I still had it on my bookshelf. I found it and I also found The catcher and the Rye. I've never read that book and I would like to read it now. I know I'm all over the place and I really have to get it together. Planning and preparation is the key. I need to start doing it. I have to buy a toner for my printer and then complete the bulletin and flier for church. I have to keep a list of what I'm spending for the church. I have to make sure I do this for 2014. I'm committing the ultimate technology sin; using my printer as a copier. Bad, bad, bad thing! I would always fuss at my colleagues for doing this and I'm doing it now. Shame on me. Yesterday I text several family and friends; just checking on them, and I realized that once again I was being that motherly figure. I was helping my neighbor and all the time I was telling her what she should have on; like I was her mom. I guess this is why I don't have a ma in my life because I would probably drive him crazy mothering him to death. Why do I do this? I really don't want to be anyone's mom. I just want to LOVE someone! I was happy that my text was answered right back from Penn. Usually it takes a day or two, or three before he thinks about responding. Oh well let me stop fantasizing. Enough said . . . Thank you God for the day and everyday that has preceded this day, and remembering that each day is a gift, so we should open it and enjoy what He has given us. Until tomorrow . . .

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The weather came; icy, snowy, rainy, stay inside if you can. I'm canceling mom's doctor appointment. I still feel lousy. I went out yesterday and bought some Airborn or I should say a generic of that brand. I'm thinking about my family hoping that they are all warm and safe. I pray that Jesus takes the wheel and navigate them through today. My right eye feels sore. I have to make an eye appointment. Can't play around with my eyes. I have so much to do for myself this month. I my thoughts are everywhere and I can't even free write. My sister woke up with cramps and loose bowels. She acts so helpless. Like a baby; I guess she is a baby. She can't really take care of herself. It annoys me. I have to control myself. I know she can't do but so much for herself. Until tomorrow . . .

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Writing the morning pages every morning helps me keep track of the days of the week. It keeps me current. I'm annoyed with myself because I'm not doing anything different. It's so easy to stay the way you were even though you want to make changes in your life. I know they are gradual but beginning seems to be the hardest thing. Yesterday I sat all day doing absolutely nothing again! I haven't been feeling well. I have cold symptoms. It's all in my nose. Dry mouth because I'm breathing through my nose when I sleep. I was going to wash clothes and never made it to the basement. The bird is still down there or is it. It may be dead because it has no food or water. I have to check with Theresa to see if it is still there. Yesterday we watched television all day. It's amazing how you are stuffy when you sleep and then when you're up you nose is running. I don't know what it should be but I would really like to get some sleep. I listened to Deepak Chopra once and he was talking about meditation and other things. One thing he said was that you should not watch television so many minutes before you go to bed because what ever you were watching is imprinted in your head. You should do something calming to clear the mind before you go to bed. He was so right. I dream about things that I have watched just before I laid down. This is something that I really have to do. I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep because I'm always thinking about something. I didn't cook dinner. I didn't wash the dishes, I didn't do any of the things I needed to do. Oh, I did take out the garbage, and then it snowed so much. The garbage men didn't even pick it up. Go figure! This month, one year ago I lost a friend. Yes, I can call her friend. We had a common bond, our grandson.  I do miss her. I wish she was here. I would love to hear what she would say to WP. I would love to hear the advice she would give me. She was ten years my senior. She always seem to call me at the right time. We would talk about children, grandchildren, self, etc. She always gave me something to think about. Sometimes I though she was such a hard person, but then I realize there is nothing wrong with tough love. A little bit never hurt anyone. I do miss her, wish she could have stayed a little longer. I know all things happen for a reason and only God knows the plan. Thank you Lord for your mercy. Thank you Lord for watching over my family. Thank you Lord for keeping them safe in their going out and coming in. Thank you Lord!

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I feel lousy. Where did these cold symptoms come from? I lay down to sleep only to dry my mouth out. I am breathing through my mouth and drying it out. I dreamt about some of my cousins and my nieces. I also dreamt about school. I was subbing at Oakwood Ave. School and I was walking there from my house, but I wasn't in Maplewood I was somewhere in the south. Like North Carolina or someplace else in the south. I woke up at least four times going to the bathroom. I think about the goodness of the Lord. He made Super Bowl Sunday's weather great for those playing the game and those watching it. God held back the snow. I know it was the Lord because I woke up to another snowstorm. Frances has been on my mind and I have to call her today. I pray that Charles speaks too his dad. I wish I knew why he's not calling him back when his dad calls him. I pray it wasn't something that I said to Charles to make him feel this way. My heart aches to see this happening. My thoughts are everywhere. My mom just called me and asked what was I doing? I said nothing because of the snow. Then she says,"I don't know where Debbie is?" She said, "what if the place is closed?" I told her that Debbie knows how to take care of herself. If the place is closed she knows how to come back. These are the things that bother me about my mom. She wants you to cater to her and you can't do anything for yourself. My mom doesn't take care of herself like she should and she doesn't want anyone else to take care of what they have to do. Enough said . . .

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I woke up with dry mouth. It was so dry, my tongue felt rough like sandpaper. What's going on with me. I have to make a dental and doctor's appointment. I keep putting it off because I feel so ashamed of the weight I put on. It's been a full year since I've been to the doctor or it may be longer than that. I was angry this morning. I keep trying to figure out what set me off. I know I got annoyed when my mom called me again about her money. I don't mind helping with her bills but she thinks you are suppose to jump and do it right away. I forgot about the church bulletins. I was in bed and my spirit spoke to me and said you didn't print the programs. I got up and did it right away. While they were printing my toner decided to go out. I took the cartridge out and shook it. It gave me a few more copies. I have to buy toner and paper. I ran out of that too. I ate a banana, egg, and later a clementine. I drank water, but forgot to take my medicine. I finished my infinity scarf for Michelle. But this one came out wrong. It was twisted and too late to take it all out. I gave it to her anyway. God has been so good to us and I thank God for His many Blessings. I had so much to write about this morning but I didn't have time to stop and do it. I do have to find out about my dry mouth issue.

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Wow! We are in a new month, so much going on in my head. This is the time that Bettie died. She wasn't found for several days. I really feel some sort of way. although she and I didn't see each other on a regular basis. We shared one common bond; our grandson, our first grandson. I was so angry at her for leaving me. We were suppose to raise him together. I know his parents are raising him, but Bettie and I were suppose to be the grandparents. I think about what must be going through Joy's mind at this moment. It's been a year. Time goes by but the sadness and feelings of loss don't go away so easily. I had so much going through my head this morning. The few errands that I have to do this morning. Fee waking up with cramps. Me dreaming all through the night. Do I ever sleep? I guess I would have to go to an expert to find our. I sent my oldest grandson an email this morning. I hope he got it. I went out last night to dinner with my friends. I had such a great time. Laughing and talking and sharing what's been going on in my life. I love them all. I was so glad to see all of them. It felt so good to be out with people. Then the reality hit me and I had to get back to the house with my sister. i can lave her for a few hours but I try not to be too long. I've become a little dependent on her income, and I have to stop that. I have to fall back on my monthly fixed income only. I want to go to Las Vegas, but that may not happen. I need someone else to go with me and then my rate will be cheaper. I haven't reached out to anyone. I know my aunt would probably like to go, or Judy may consider. But why am I hesitating to ask them. That's how fickle I am. I sit here and eat my breakfast as I write my morning pages. Today I'm having a banana, a clementine, and a boiled egg. Not bad! I have a good fifty pounds to lose. I know it's one day at a time and no more than two pounds a week. My enemy right now is exercise. I haven't planned and therefore I don't do. But as always I'm working on changing my lifestyle. My clothes are too tight. I don't have anything to wear. I refuse to spend money to buy new ones. I have clothes in my closet and I have to drop the weight so I can wear them. I am taking baby steps and they will grow into adult steps. i have to reach out to My life coach and really get back into a life style change that will benefit my sister and me. I thank God for all that He has given me. I thank Him for His protection. How He has watched over my family and friends. I thank God for healing my youngest grandson. I thank God for bringing my mother through this last stoke that was two years ago. I Thank Him for showing me how Great He Is! I just want to thank Him for His Love and Mercy. This is the day that the Lord has made and I will be glad and rejoice in it. I will trust in Him. Until tomorrow . . .