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Wow! this is the last day of March. I have gone through another month. I feel as though nothing was changed. I took two steps forward only to go back three. I have not put my trust in God. I'm still trying to work it out all by myself, and that's why it's not working. I've approached this life of my thinking that I could do it all by myself and I can't. God has to come first and I have to surrender. I have to let go and let God run my ship. I haven't done this. That's why sometimes things get all screwed up because I jump instead of waiting. I am always afraid of the bad I don't give it time for the good. I must step out on faith. I've seen God's miracles and works, so it's past time for me. I have to release my hold on myself and watch the changes that God will bring. I want to be better not bigger. Thank you God for each gift you have given me even when I didn't deserve it. Until tomorrow . . . Another day to get it right!

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I wake up to see the ceiling fan going in the bedroom where my sister sleeps. I asked her why the fan was on, and why did she turn the light off that way. She told me she always turn it off like that. I just don't understand what happens to her because she doesn't turn it off by pulling he string she has always turned it off from the wall switch. Then when I asked her why she's staring at me with this perplexing look. I just don't get it! The I have to stop myself and let it go. It's not important enough to get upset. She's a case that will never been understood. I had several weird dreams none that I can really remember, but the were sexual. Something that I desire from time to time. I have a nasty blister on my lip. I really don't want to be seen out in public with it but I have to go and do what I have to do. Off to church today; Missionary Sunday. I volunteered to read scripture. I also usher today. We have a guest preacher so I better get ready and be on time. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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I have to stop eating. I mean binge eating. I'm a mad woman! Why am I doing this to myself? I am financially strapped. I have no way out, but to stop spending. I'm going on a trip that I really can't afford to go on. Was I being reasonable when I said yes. Did I really pray about it ? What was I thinking or maybe that's the problem I wasn't thinking. I'm such a oomph. What ever that is. I have bills up the kazoo; my choice. I made them and now I'm slowly sinking in the quicksand of paying them. I have to stop! How do you do it? I know you can't cry over spelt milk; what's done is done. Am I being redundant. This year I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted to send several family members some money. I am determined to make it happen. I started this month and next month I have two more people to send money to; my mom being one of them.

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Wow, this month is moving right on out. I have to figure out how I'm going to swing this. I have to have a certain amount of money for my trip. Maybe I jumped too quickly by saying yes, and should have waited until June. Who Knows? Only the good Lord does and I feel that it's okay and everything will be alright. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I really want to enjoy myself so I am trying to make sure that I have everything prepared and done. Especially the church bulletins, and the anniversary banner. So next week I have to print out and make two banners. I also have to prepared for a lesson in continuous binding for the seniors on the tenth of April. I have to remember to send Linda a birthday card. And while I'm doing all of that I have to pack and be ready for my trip. I have to get my sister ready and take her to my other sister in Elizabeth. So much to o and yet it's not a lot to do. I bought a couple of things yesterday and I have to take them back and up the sizes. As I'm blogging I notice that I left crumbs on the counter last night. I had a nerve to make a sandwich before I went to bed. I ate it while I was talking to Aunt Tunie about registering online for the trip. She's excited and I'm glad to be taking this trip with her. I know she and Uncle Jerry go all the time so I hope this will be a very rewarding time for her. I have to make sure I tell the doctor about my trip so she can give me or tell me what to get just in case I get motion sickness. I'm praying that that will not happen. I have to remember not to put it out into the atmosphere. As I get closer to the trip I'm going to color my hair. I want to take my sister to get her hair done before I leave. I think I will wash it tonight and fix it back into the style that I did for Sunday. We are going to celebrate my daughter-in-law's birthday. She's some kind of woman. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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We are off to see the dentist. Another day another dollar. I spent money again yesterday. I don't have it. I'm getting ready for my trip and what am I doing? Spending! Day four of my countdown. So far the only thing that I have done was take mommy to the doctor. Oh, I forgot we didn't even do that. The elevator wasn't working, and she can't walk down the stairs. Tomorrow I prepare for Saturday's marathon. Rose is going to have Fee with her. I didn't want to bombard Debbie. I have to send the state money for taxes. i have to do better. I have to put money aside so I can be assured that I will have it when next tax time comes. Something has to give. It's me that has to give . . . I've decided to work on my quilts and try to sell them. I have made some beautiful tops; at least I think they are beautiful. I'm going to tie them, envelope them, and bind them. I need to get all twenty finished. I'm still making tops, so I have to get ride of some of them. Besides I have several children I want to give them to.

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I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to keep Sapphire. When she gets upset she urinates on the bathroom floor. It's been awhile since she's done it, but today I wasn't in the mood for it. I got up early because it was doctor day for mommy. There's always something crazy thrown in the wheel. The elevator wasn't working, so I had to cancel her appointments. Now it's time to reschedule. Again, another month of doctor visits. I guess we will always have to go. At least every three months for her and hopefully every six months for Fajer.

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I can be so fickle at time, especially when I start second guessing myself. I know the answer, so why do I feel unsure about it. I've read the information, so why can't I follow it the first time? Why do I think I'm going to make a mistake, and then I do? I know why because I lack confidence in myself, no matter how old I get I still think I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but that's how I feel. I get scared. I  have always thought I needed a boost to get me started but I know and I've know for quite sometime that that was my insecurities about me. My low-self-esteem. I know I am capable of many things. I intelligent, bright, witty, and beautiful inside and out, but I have allowed my thoughts to tell me other wise. I have felt this way all my life. I spoke to two people concerning my taxes; whether I have to mail in the hard copies after I e-filed my taxes. That word in itself tells you how fickle I am. E-File! Which means electronic filing; it's going through the computer. Why did I think I didn't know the answer to my question? I worked myself into not knowing and the answer was right in front of me. This is the kind of craziness that I do. Unsure of me! I've decided to go on a trip (cruise) with my Aunt Tunie. I'm glad I said yes, and then comes in the doubt. I conjure up all kinds of thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't do this because I have to do that. I think I've done this to myself all my life; not being sure, not stepping out on FAITH. I am still trying to control my situation and others until I can't see the forest for the trees. How do I begin to change something that I have done for fifty plus years. How to rewire your brain to do something else. How do you build confidence and trust within yourself at this late stage of life? How? I also find myself procrastinating because I'm unsure of things or not knowing where to begin. So what do I do. I avoid doing that thing until I feel confident in doing it. Sounds a little far fetch but that's me! I was asked out to dinner yesterday and I felt good about going and then all of a sudden I had a reason for not going; besides the time, I was going to wash my clothes. Now, here's the clincher. I didn't wash my clothes. I stalled, I don't really remember what I did, but I know the clothes didn't get washed. But, on the other hand or flip side, I did clean the kitchen LOL. I'm up blogging and feeling good. I have to move forward today. I have to prepare for my trip. I have to make sure my sister is set. I want to work on the two lap quilts so I can make a little money. I'm not going to charge her a lot. That's another thing I'm always underselling myself. I'm never charging what I'm worth or what it's worth. I put a lot into what I do and sometimes I do rush it, but I feel my skills are up to par. I have to get started with my day. Thank God for this new gift, so I better open it and use it to the fullest. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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I'm so afraid to take a chance. I'm always scared that something isn't going to go right and then I can't fix it. I have a great opportunity to go on a cruise and I was happy but scared and afraid to even say yes. I think that I'm the only one who can do things and get them done correctly but that's not true. So I'm going. Now I have to get things in order and I have twenty-three days to get t done. Last night I was compelled to get my taxes done, so I went to Turbo Tax and did it. I was going to try the free version, but I decided to pay. Of course I owe the state again. I have to have money taken out so I won't have to pay so much at the end. I have to calculate this money. I'm in a very very bad pinch, but I'm going to take this trip and work on getting back on track. Lord I pray that I'm not doing the wrong thing. That's all I keep thinking about. I have to give it to God and forget about it.  

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Good Morning World! I feel better, but now the cough is back. I better do what Penn said and clean everything around me and take a shower before I go to bed. I coughed and coughed and leaked and leaked. It was terrible. I have a great opportunity to go on a cruise and I feel like I can't go like I have to be here to do the bills and take care of my sister. I have to let go and get everything situated so I can go. Yes, I'm scared! Scared of what; I don't know! But I would love to go and I am going to do it. I'm not going to be crazy but I have to take this offer. It may never come again. It's a blessing and I can't let this go. I will get ready for it and DO IT!! Now is the time for me to prepare and plan. To get it all together. I still have to do my taxes and time is winding down or up which ever way it is. I have to do it now! Can't blog much this morning have to get ready for church. THANK YOU GOD FOR THE MANY BLESSINGS YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME AND MY FAMILY!!

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Ate some popcorn and it didn't agree with my stomach. I felt like I had to vomit but I couldn't. Out of the blue I got sick. I went to the bathroom several times.

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I ate like a PIG last night and stayed up watching Mildred Pierce until three forty-five. I went to bed and slept until eight forty. Got up and started blogging. I feel like my period is coming. I'm eating and eating and it doesn't feel like comfort food. I'm just on overload. Help! I need to stop. I tell my mom she needs to eat right and exercise. Who am I to tell her what I'm not doing? Now my right arm is aching again. I have to get in touch with Tiff and see what time the boys are coming. I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I have to pick up WP1 from school. Yes, he went back today. I pray he get through the day. He has so much to catch up on but I know he will do it. Lord, I thank you for this day and I pray and ask You to touch WP2's body and heal what ever is causing him to throw up.

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Your plans are not His plans. They are not God's plans. Who knows what he has in store for us this week; I mean for Will, his family and me. It seems as though what I had planned or what Will had planned didn't manifest. The children; my grandchildren got sick. WP1 has some kind of stomach virus, so he's been home since Tuesday. And as of Wednesday WP2 has similar symptoms. So this requires you to change your plans. I helped as much as possible; glad to be of service. But now my plans too have changed. I know it frustrates Will to no end. We have to stay prayed up and let God guide us. It's hard to do but It has to be done. Yesterday I tried to stand an egg up, but it wouldn't stand. Penn and Tiffanie were able to get theirs to stay up. I don't know why mine didn't. It's said that on the Vernal Equinox and egg can stand up. I have to get ready for the doctors. Taking my mom this morning. Thank God we are going to the same place for both the doctor and the dentist. We have a full house. WP1 is with me this morning; again plans change. The best plans can be made but not necessarily carried out. I'm all over the place. Moving about instead of sitting still and writing. I'm constantly thing about what's next so I'm not late for mom.  

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I cancelled my doctor's appointment so I could keep my youngest grandson. At first, I was going to take him with me, and then I realized it wouldn't work. I could vision him not cooperating with me, so I cancelled it. I've even given up my Avon Ave School session today. I haven't been in two weeks. I have to get back on track and do what I do for me or what I enjoy being a part of. I can't give up everything I do. This week is not my week. That's what happens. You may have things planned or at least you have your daily routine and something else comes along and changes it. I have to take my recycle things to the recycle place. I should have done it last week, but I put it off. Now I have to wait until Friday.

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Up early, waiting for William to come; Will's dropping him off this morning. I'm so thankful to my God for making me available to help my children with their children. I'm thankful that I am healthy enough to take care of them. I'm thankful that God opens doors and makes a way out of no way. At least we don't see it until He makes it happen. I'm just so thankful for Him. I went to the doctor because my cough was getting worse. I'm thankful that it's not that bad. I am still coughing but I have some medicine to help calm it. Yesterday, by default I started looking at some old pictures of my children. I got a little nostalgic and began pulling out old family pictures. I started texting pictures to my sons and their dad. Just looking at them brought back so many memories, memories I had forgotten about. I smiled, laughed, and even felt like crying; but I didn't. Looking at the pictures brought me so much pleasure. It's always nice to look back at the past as long as you don't stay there. I am going to view the pictures again and I will keep some and give some to my children and grandchildren.

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I'm up! Happy St. Patrick's Day. I had such a crazy dream. Most of the adults on the bus were my former colleagues. I don't know where we were going or why, but it was a crazy dream. Then we were off the bus and just waiting in this room. There was a piano there and music began to play. No one was playing the piano, but it seemed to be playing gospel music. Someone in the crowd asked if the music could be turned off. I was enjoying it. So I pulled the MP3 player out of the electrical socket. It was such a weird dream. Then Mr. D. ; one of my colleagues started talking about the job. I asked Mrs. M. to tell him to stop talking and be quiet. He said he didn't care if anyone heard him. So I didn't say anything else to him. After that it became silent in the room. I looked over to my right and Mr. D. was sitting next to me apologizing about his comments.  I didn't really respond to him because he knew he was wrong. Such a weird dream. Several hours went by and then some people came in and began setting up the room for dinner. Why were we here I don't know? Crazy Dream! I have to get ready. I really need to go to the doctor. This cough of mine is taking me through the wringer. Need it to stop! My morning pages are very short today. Maybe I'll write some more later.

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Wow! I'm up earlier than ever on a Sunday.  My phone rang, it was Linda. We are still trying to decide on a restaurant to take Rev. Jeanette to. For the life of me I can't think of one. I don't want to go all over the place but  would like for it to be nice and have good food. Anyway, I'm up and getting ready for service, but first I write. I'm sitting here thinking about what to write. As they say thinking about thinking. I still have a bad cough. I did take some OTC medicine to help. I think it helped! Anyway, I'm still coughing; not as much. I watched 'Til Debt Do Us Part. It's interesting how this financial planner comes in and assist people with their finances to get them out of debt. I really have to take heed and come to grips with my own debt. I am almost back up to forty thousand dollars in debt; not including two of Charles' school loans. I have to take the bull by the horns and correct this as soon as possible. I keep saying to myself "this month I'll make changes," but I find another excuse not to start. As my one of my sons told me, "I can't help you." He's right, I have to help myself. I have to get my cash only system back and breakdown exactly what I have to spend for the month. When I retired I started out doing this and then I got the BIG credit card and all HELL broke loose. I took care of everything and everyone; twenty thousand dollars later, I am paying for it now. Okay, that's just one of life's problems. I felt some sort of way when I text Bill for his sister's phone no. and he said he couldn't send it to me because he was driving. All of a sudden I started wondering where he was driving too. None of my business I know, but I felt some sort of way because I wanted to know. Shame, shame on me. Let it go! I'm still the same nothing has changed. Everyone and everything as moved on but I haven't; although I say I have. It's time to wake up my sister and let her take her shower so we can get ready. I'm not sure what she's wearing to church I'll look for something while she's showering. We go through so many changes in our life and yet we go through none. Everything must change nothing stays the same. That song goes through my head. Change is scary, and depending on the change it can be detrimental to your health. I didn't like it when I got stuck with my sister, and at times I still don't like it. That was one of my changes. My friend is getting ready to make a big change in her life. She's moving away and leaving her youngest adult child here in Jersey. It's hard for her and I may not have all of her feelings about it, but I can imagine how she feels. I thought I my change as a season. God takes us through seasons. He determines how long your season is; that change that comes into your life.. When I retired and my mom got sick and I had my sister it was and is my season. Even the people He brings into your life come and go because it was a season that they were suppose to be their. They can be good or bad it doesn't matter. What matters is that they were their for a reason. What ever the lesson He sent and hopefully you received was your season with them. Only He knows how long this season will run. This change that Rev. Jeanette is about to embark on is her new season. Only God knows how long this season will be for her. He is the author and finisher of our lives. I do thank God each and everyday for all that he does for me and my family and friends.  Enough said . . . as per Mr. Tobe, Until Tomorrow . . . Thank God for another beautiful day!

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This post is beyond morning. This is what happens when I don't stick to my some what plan. I lose track of time and forget to write my pages.  

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Up very early! I have to get ready for my grandson. I had a weird and unrestful sleep last night. I was up most of the night going to the bathroom. The more it seems like the cough goes away the more it comes back with a vengeance. Then I have a dream about Penn. Of course I wanted him, but that's not even what the dream was about. He was trying to catch this young man. He was trying to restrain him. The young man kept running. Finally, Penn came to my house and just walked in. I asked him what was going on and he told me he had to catch this young man. I asked him why and then the truth came out. This was his son, and the worse part was that it was by his dead brother's wife. Mind you it was while his brother was alive. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset and I was trying to figure out when this happened. I tell you this is what I spent my time worrying about instead of sleeping. I don't have the foggiest idea why this was in my head or my dream. Once again, I'm thinking about Penn. He doesn't want me yet I keep thinking about him. I hope he's okay. I'm still spending money or I should say I'm still using someone else's money that I have to pay back sooner or later. That's how this country makes money;interest! That's the name of the game in our capitalistic nation. I was asked to help with ordering the food for the food pantry. I never gave an answer. I don't want to do it. I realize it only requires you to go online and place the order, but I know that's not all I would have to do. I've been avoiding this issue. Then because of who I am I will feel guilty if I don't do it. I really want to go and visit my sister in Omaha, and I will. I'm determined to do two things this year. Go back to Virginia and then to Omaha. I have to get my car in tip top shape and then I'll be able to do this. I guess I'll have to take my sister with me. I've been eating like I'm crazy. Every time I get annoyed with something or someone I find comfort in eating. It's getting bad. I've put on so much weight. I have a doctor's appointment and I'm really afraid of what the scale will say. I am ashamed of myself yet I don't stop. What's that all about? I find myself still going in circles. I want to make changes in my lie and I do but I'm still not consistent. A change is going to come! I have no choice. sometimes I think I'm ADD. I can't seem to stay focused on one thing. I have to be all over the place. Almost like I have to be in everything or doing something at all times. This is not true. I need to stay back and let others do. I always seem to cripple people. I want to teach them how to fish, but at times I wind up fishing for them. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .  Thank God for this day!

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Off to the doctors, mom has to have blood work and dental today. I got up late as usual, but I'm on my way to pick her up and start a day of mom.

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Got up late, but made it on time to take mommy to the doctor. Her blood pressure was much better today. She has to go back for a breath test on the 26th. Then we went to pick up her reading glasses. She was very tired but we got through the day. We stopped at KFC for lunch. I'm not going to quilt today. I want to get some rest. I'm a little tired. I have a cold and when I cough I'm leaking.

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I had a dental appointment this morning and I cancelled it, or at least I tried to cancel it. The office was closed at 7:30 am. I called back at 8:00 am and it was still no answer. No live voice at least. I got scared. I'm not feeling well, so I let that be my excuse. I'm just a mess. I cough too hard and leak on myself. I thought by taking a vitamin B complex everyday would supplement what I may be missing, but since I've been taking the pills I feel worse. I've been drinking lemon water, hoping that the extra vitamin c would do me some good. Instead I feel worse. I'm not sure what's going on inside of me. Maybe I need to detox and then introduce new foods and supplements to my body, and do it one thing at a time. Then I would know what's working and what's not. I had a dream about working, Rev. Jeanette, and colleagues and students. I guess this is my withdrawal time of year. I guess I should be working and I'm not. I have no desire to work right now. I could use the additional money but I haven't looked for work. My life is sufficiently obligated. I have spent out! I am depending on other funds to get me through the month. This has to change. I went to a luncheon on Sat. I felt good. Had a good time. I felt excluded when my friends were talking amongst themselves about what they were going to do at the end of the school year. I am so noisy. I think I have to know everything that's going on. I want to be apart of it. This sounds ridiculous. I don't know why I feel this way. That's my biggest problem. I don't have to try to do everything. I don't have to know what's going on. I wasn't even thought of. I saw my friend and asked her about the luncheon. she had forgotten all about me, and that's okay. Out of sight out of mind. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that's how I see it. Communication isn't one of my strong points. This is really pitiful. I've called the dental office to cancel and reschedule and no one is answering the phone. They can't be that crowded that they can't stop and answer. I'll try after 9:00. I'm going to mail Ana's hat and scarf to her. I also want to send her the sewing machine. I think I will purchase another one and send it from there to her. I don't want to disappoint her. She's ready to sew now. It's the ideal age. I just wish she had someone to help her. I guess Mema can do it with her. My sister is awake but instead of getting out of bed she's laying there waiting for me to tell her to get up. I should have man up and went to the dentist. Chicken is my middle name but I know I have to go sooner than later. That's why I'm trying to get another appointment. Enough said . . .  Until tomorrow . . . Thank God for this day!

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Today's is Shooby's birthday. I have to text her and then call her later. I think she's working today. I know she went out to dinner for her birthday last night. I'm up early. WP2 is here with me today. I enjoy watching all of my grandsons. He's really growing up and doing much better God is so good to our family. I know he still has a road to travel and many hills to climb, but we are taking it one step at a time. Two minutes before he I have to give him his medicine. I am still having dry mouth; not as bad but still there. I have a cold or symptoms that have me coughing like I'm crazy, leaky bladder, and blowing my nose. Have I gone to the doctors yet, of course not! I take care of everyone else then myself. I'm going to have to change that order. Me first or else no one else is taken care of. Break! medicine time! Did that finished he's still asleep and I can continue my writing. I tell you! curiosity killed the cat. I have a cat or should I say I inherited a cat from my son. He went through this animal kick and decided he wanted to have pets. His, now wife had a dog and believe it or not he had three cats; maybe not all three at one time but he did have three. When WP2 was born they decided to get rid of the animals; for whatever reason. Any who, they were looking for a good home for their pets. I told him I would take Sapphire. She's only a kitten. I think it's going on three years now. I'm not too sure about the time, but she's a rambunctious kitten growing into a rambunctious cat. She gets into everything. I know why they say curiosity killed the cat because one day she's going to mess with something and die. It's as simple as that. I don't know how she finds things but she does. So I have her and love her to death. The grandsons love her too. They are always trying to catch her and rub her and hug her, but she's not having that so she hinds most of the time when they visit. Yesterday I went with Karen to a Quilt Show. I always enjoy going to the shows. It gives me incentive to try new things. There was even a modern quilt section at the show. Their quilts were interesting. I really likes Jess' quilt. Quilters are so creative. some of the quilts were extraordinary. Just looking at the quilts tells you how much time and work goes into them. The fine stitching and intricate details is tremendous. They are truly works of art. It's time for me to decide on what I want to do and begin doing it. I know that I still have to help with my mom, but I'm ready to explore my horizons. I am going to pray about everything I do. I need God to direct my path and my journey. First, and foremost I thank Him for each and everyday that he gives me. It was so good to see CJ. I forgot she was going to be at the luncheon, so it was a nice surprise. I thank you God for the people you send to me or the people I meet as I travel on this journey. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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I didn't forget about daylight savings time. I knew it was springing forward, but I still overslept. I was so worried about not being on time that I didn't get to the seniors. Karen came to pick me up. The seniors were suppose to go with us but they didn't go; only Karen's mom went. I spent some money or I used the charge card again. It's time for me to put the cards away. I have to get things together. I need to   work on my planning again.

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I went to bed earlier than I have in a long time. I even got up at 7:50 to day. I started working on the programs for church. I printed out some envelopes too. I have a luncheon to attend today and I'm going to leave my sister alone for three hours. I really don't like leaving her too often, but I'm going to today. I pray when I leave her alone. I used a trick that I learned from a psychologist. It helps you to fall asleep. I have to try it again to see if it really works. It's a mini-meditation. You focus on five things that you can see, then five things that you can smell, and so on until you have focused on all five senses. You keep cycling through the senses. If you wander off you just come back. Again, I found this on Late Night Quilter's blog.

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I chose to sleep late today. Although I had made all these plans. I didn't write them down but I knew what I was going to do today. I have to mail two birthday cards off today, and I have to get money out of the bank. I also have the programs to print for church. I knew this but I didn't care to rush today. For one moment last night I slept like a baby. I tried a technique that I read about on The Late Night Quilters blog. She's a psychologist. Anyway, she said to think about five things that you can see and then move on to the other senses until you finish all of the five senses. I did this, but I kept getting stuck on five things that you can feel. She said if you lose your focus than refocus and keep going. I tell you no lie. I went to sleep and didn't even realize I had dozed off. It was a good sleep. I was dreaming. I was sleeping. I have to try this again tonight. I get so annoyed with my mom. I know I shouldn't because she is so stuck in her ways that she can only change it. I am thankful for this day and I'm going to enjoy it. Enough said . . . Thank God for this day!

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Stayed up late. I watched Alex Cross, and then I went to bed. I couldn't sleep. Got back up and ate two clementines. Then I had to go to the bathroom several times because I drank a lot of water. I finally laid down and went off to la la land. I dreamt about Penn. I dreamt about being with him intimately. I also dreamt about Marie. I haven't seen her in a long time. She stopped coming to church. In my dream she was so resentful and she was trying to hurt me. She was trying to hurt Penn. Penn went fishing but he wasn't prepared for it and got hurt. The waves were too rough. He was properly secured in the boat. Then my dream changed because I managed to escape from Marie and the other men who were trying to hurt me. Now I was being chased by Penn, Will, and Charles or I should say they were trying to find me. I was trying to get to Michelle Alexander. I missed her housewarming party and I had to get a gift to her. I bought a card and I had something else to give her but I don't remember what it was. Any who, as Michelle would say. I didn't like what I was giving her so I went to buy something else, that's when another man came up to me and hugged me. At that same time Penn, Will, and Charles were entering into the store. I don't remember who the other man was. What does it all mean? Who knows? I woke up with a slight headache. I have been having dry mouth every night throughout the morning. I can feel it as I sleep. My tongue is so course; like sandpaper. What's going on inside my body. I have a doctor's appointment on the nineteenth of March. I will definitely be keeping it. Although I'm so ashamed of the weight I've gained, but I have to go. I'm feeling strange. I see intimacy and I want it. i want to be held and caressed and touched all over my body. I want to be whispered to. I I I that's all this is about. It's about what I want and need. My private areas are dying. No life there anymore. It's drying up. Hasn't been used in so long. I'm a ** year old virgin. I NEED INTIMACY! I want to try to open up and be loved. I want to work on communicating with someone other than my sisters and friends. I feel like I'm drowning. My apartment is starting to grow again. I have stuff everywhere. I have to de-clutter my apartment so my life can be de-cluttered and free. Today is a gift so open it up and use it. Until tomorrow . . .

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Time is going by so fast we are in our Lenten season. Today is Ash Wednesday. I haven't gone to an Ash Wednesday service in a long time. I was thinking about attending today after I finish with the students at Avon Ave. School. I finally cleaned off my calendars and started adding my to do list for March. I'm not sure what I have to do this Saturday, but my thoughts keep saying that I have forgotten something. I got up a little earlier today and I'm determined to get started on some of the things that have to be done; especially the laundry. It's piling up again. I constantly have dreams about school and teaching. Did I prematurely retire. I haven't gotten the classroom out of my system. I started taking vitamin B complex tablets as a supplement for what ever I think I might be missing in the B area, but now I've gotten a cold or symptoms of a cold. I also used some old essence of oils that I had and now I've broken out with small rashes on my body. What's going on!? I haven't the foggiest. I paid the rent yesterday. It's not late but I really try to pay it by the first of the month. I didn't turn on the television. It's best to keep it off while I'm writing. I've been drinking lemon water. It's suppose to be warm, but I always drink it cold. I did start WP2's pillow. I'm going to work on it today. I have to go to Avon Ave. School today. I'm starting again with the quilters. You think your life is so full of woos, but you never know what someone else is going through. I enjoy watching television but it stops you from doing so many other things. I watch my grandsons, at least the older two; it mesmerizes them. The don't move. You have to literally shut it off in order for them to respond. It's not good and that's what we do to our children. We put them in front of the box and they are drawn in. They probably wouldn't eat or drink anything; let alone go to the bathroom. This is a great invention but now it's time to limit our watching intake. I have a cat and I love it to death, but I'm really not an animal person. I know she needs a bath and I have to try to give her on, but I don't want her to scratch or bite me. This is another task that is needed. I'm always all over the place with my thoughts, but then that's what free writing is all about. There are several things that I want to learn, one is playing the and the second one is learning to speak spanish. I'm up to my ears in debt. yes, I pay my bills every month, but then I turn around and use my credit cards and spend what I paid. Go figure! This is not good at all. I have to start a budget and stick to it. I have to be consistent and get going so that i can do other things; like travel and not have to use my cards to do it. I want to go see my sister in Omaha. I want to go to Staunton and visit Frances, and then I just want to go anywhere I can go.  I know I will have to take my sister with me, but there will be times that I go by myself. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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I slept late and was happy to be able to do it. I got up and decided to check my bank account. I turned on the television and listened to one of the tv evangelist speaking about sowing. And how he sowed and God multiplied his seeds. After that I called Rev. Anderson to ask her when she's available for Linda and me to take her out before she relocates to N. C. We talked for awhile about the move, Ashley's wedding, and then we hung up. My thoughts have vanished. I had so much to write about but after I began doing other things I lost them. I rescheduled my mom's doctor appointments. Everyday I have my sister sweep and vacuum the apartment. This gives her a chance to move around and at least the floors get cleaned.

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Everything must change. My mom cancelled her doctor appointments today. She could have gone because we were blessed to be spared by the snow storm.  They predicted six to twelve inches. There was barely a dusting on the ground. It was just very, very cold. My sister called me and asked if I would take her to the Wal Mart. We went and spent several hours in the store. After that we went to lunch. There was a  pizza shop in the same strip mall, so pizza it was. I waited too late to write my morning pages so I don't have a lot to write about.

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I can't read much into it. But while I was a KZ2's birthday party. His grandpa asked me to come sit by him so he we could talk about our youngest son. I couldn't talk I was so mesmerized at the fact that he asked me to sit next to him that I was scared to say much. I have to forgive myself and then maybe I can move on. I'm take things to heart and I shouldn't. I'm trying to stop this but I haven't let go. How do I let go? I looked in the sink and the three day old dishes are still there. I keep telling myself to go wash them but I didn't. This past week I was aggravated and angry. i ate things that I shouldn't have and I snapped more at my sister. It was post menopausal sydrome. That's what I call it. I don't have a menstrual anymore, but I still get the PMS symptoms. There's always one day before my cycle would come that I did absolutely nothing. I didn't even bath! I'm not saying this in a proud way but I'm saying this because this is what happens to me or how I feel at east once every month. I know its happening because my sister's cycle always begins after this occurs. She is actually going though the same PMS but she just doesn't act on it as I do. I had a good time at Ashley and Handel's engagement party. I know they can't wait to be married and begin as one family. I didn't take my sister with me. I left her with our mom. I just needed to be with myself. I didn't even take her to the birthday party. That would have require me to do too much driving back and forth. I need to rest too. I find myself getting angry because I have my sister and then there are times when I know it's okay and I know that God doesn' make any mistakes. This is my new journey and I have to accept it. I don't know how long this season will run but I do know I have to change my attitude about it. I know not what's in store for me but I thank God for his mercy and grace. I sat next to a ninety something year old (Rev. Bryant)last night and he is still as sharp as a tack. He's changing his religion to Catholicism. I found that to be interesting. He's been a methodist minister for as long as I can remember and now he's converting to catholicism.

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Wow!