Morning Pages 42414

I didn't sleep good. I was up a couple of times using the bathroom. I really haven't had time to blog like I did in the beginning of the year. I will have to decide if I'm going to keep blogging my morning pages.

Morning Pages 42314

Wow! I'm thrilled and yet I feel as though I have so much to do before I sail tomorrow. My sister wasn't too happy with going to her old apartment. I know my mom isn't happy that I'm leaving because her birthday is the 29th of this month. I haven't been writing a lot. I have to get back to my morning pages. Now that I'm going away I may not be blogging for ten days. Wow! maybe there's a computer on board and I can still blog later in the day.

Evening Pages 42214

I started off my day trying to get things set, so when I'm away I know the bills will be taken care of.

Morning Pages 42114

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  Had a good service and got to see my oldest grandson; looking so spiffy in his three piece suit. He's growing up so fast and he has a great mom and dad. My prayer was that his parents would be together, but that was my prayer and not theirs. Here I go trying to control that situation, but it's not ever going to be that way because they have gone their separate ways and have other people in their life now. This is going to be a busy week for me I leave on the 24th on my cruise. I thank God for how he keeps on blessing me. I thank God for my family; immediate and extended. My prayers go out this morning to my family in Virginia, Omaha, East Orange, South Orange, Hillside, Jersey City, Newark, Cherry Hill, Elizabeth, Maplewood, Watchung, Somerville, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Chicago, Bloomfield, Alabama, Florida, Willingboro, South Jersey, and Lord if I've missed anyone please continue to put a hedge of protection around them. I send out a special prayer for Raymond and Cecil please watch over their going out and coming in. I woke up to a beautiful text message. It made my spirit smile. Thank you God for sending your Son to die for my sins and the sins of the world.

Morning Pages 42014

After my walk yesterday I did nothing. I felt as though I didn't need to rush yet I do. I have to make sure I have everything I'm going to need for my trip. I can't believe it's here. The week of the trip. I will be cruising on the 24th. I'm so glad and yet scared at the same time. I've never been on a ship. Oh Boy! My dream last night was about Peen. I can't remember all the details, but I know he was in it. Why am I looking for the impossible to happen. I know God knows what's best for all of us; especially me. I thought I stopped hoping and started letting God take over. I am so thankful for all that I have been given, and I hope I have learned something from all of my seasons. I hope I have really learned something and not just to be bitter because things didn't work out for me. I can't hold on to those negative feelings. Those should've, could've, would've feelings!, and What if? Let Go and Let God!

Evening Pages 41914

Procrastinating! I have to pack and I'm wasting time. Why? What am I afraid of?

Morning Pages 41814

Woke up late, and started off slow. I have to get everything ready for Sunday. I had a strange dream , but I can't remember everything. I do remember seeing Penn in my dream. Not sure why I was thinking about him. I hope he's okay. I have to call Frances and thank her for my card. I love that she remembers me and sends me cards through out the year. I was feeling very anxious last week concerning my trip, but now I'm just waiting patiently for that day. I think I'm starting to let go things and when I don't I've been asking myself what or why am I worried about that. Or that it doesn't really concern me. I have to stop trying to control everything. The one thing I have to do is clean up my apartment. I'm letting it go again. The walls are closing in on me. I have things everywhere again. Thank you God for keeping my family safe and for giving all of us what we need. You keep on blessing me and I thank you!

Morning Pages 41714

I haven't blogged for several days now.

Late Morning Pages 41614

I got up late, but just in time for WP2. I didn't take time to blog.

Afternoon Pages 41514

I'm trying to decide if I need to continue blogging. My mom found out that I was going on vacation. I wasn't trying to keep it from her. I just wanted to wait until it was closer to my time to leave. She found out because one of my sister's told her. It was a big secret but I know she felt hurt that I didn't tell her. Then I got some feeling of guilt. I was wondering why I was feeling this way. Why am I feeling guilty or like I did something to her? Now I wanted to do something for her to make her feel better. I thought about it and I didn't really do anything wrong. I just didn't tell her first or sooner. I have to also be considerate to myself. I'm always thinking about how someone else will feel; not that I don't care but I have to also think about myself.

Morning Pages 41414

Wow! I forgot to blog. Is that good or bad?

Afternoon Pages 41314

My blogging today isn't what it should be. There's only a few things that I want to say. Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I'm learning to 'Trust' in God!

Morning Pages 41214

I wake up with a calm feeling no coughing. Then I lay back down and the coughing begins. What's going on with me. I wish I could just release these symptoms. It's getting on my nerves. Can't take much more of this. Who am I fooling I will do what ever I have to until it's done. I felt good talking to Penn and helping him with his buy, but reality is reality and thats all that was. I can't read more into it. But my crazy never let go self will think more has occurred and it hasn't. Anyway, even when he called me back to tell me about his issue we talked more. I wasn't busy but even if I would I would have said no just to talk with him. I haven't changed Im still reaching for things that will never be mine. So it's time that I move on. Talking with him I do hear a different spirit. I hear someone who's faith and trust in God has changed so much. When he speaks about his abundance it's amazing. That's my God journey. Tp know that God will always take care of me and I need to LET GO AND LET GOD. . . Why is it so hard to release something that you've never had. What is it. Why is it so easy for me to still be angry with the way my children live or how somethings that they have said to me still hurt. Why cant i shake these feelings. WHY?Who am I ? I am a child of the MOST HIGH, the KING of KINGS, I'm one of HIS children and I have to believe with my whole heart that GOD will take care of me. Each step of my existence has been a true steeping stone and I'm still climbing. The past is the past. I have to look at it , learn from it and move on. The present is now and what I do now will effect the future, so tread lightly. I feel my strength coming back in my body. Today I'm up and I'm ready to move on. Whatever I have to do I'm going to try to get it done. I have to remember that Rome was not built in a day, so do what's needed and if it's all not finished it's not the end of the world. Each second is so precious. We have an amazing temple. It can heal itself, it's vibrant, it's in our Father's imagine and yet we abuse our temple. We tear it down by not giving it the right food and the right things that it needs to strive. God has given us so much. He set up our existence He provided us with everything we could ever ask for, and some. Yet as always we want what looks best in the store window next to ours. I guess I've never really fully trusted anyone, and the reason why I say that is because I'm always trying to make sure that I control the situation and that if I'm in control then I no it will be done. That's not trust, so I need to be stripped down and let God into me. I mean truly into me.I have to surrender to HIM! What happened to Penn and I. I do remember how jealous I felt at the funeral, and how I was there amongst his friends and my insecurities and low self-esteem made me feel unwanted. I couldn't stand that feeling of rejection and God knows I didn't want to start that fight with his mom there I do regret that ever happening. I'm sorry she had to see that. Her son his a great guy and I hope she doesn't think any less of him. after that things changed so much that I really can't remember all of the events. Did I suppress everything or was it not important to remember? The older I get the more vocabulary test I take. My Charles always corrects me when I'm mispronouncing a word. I know pronunciation is important. I have to keep my brain alive. So I have to begin feeding it new things and doing new things.  First I have to release myself from the past. Wait, here I go again. First I must pray and asked God to guide me through this journey and what ever He has for me to do I will trust Him and do it. I have to stop and listen to what He is telling me. That's what I have to do first! Thank you God for this time and being with you. Until Tomorrow . . .

Afternoon Pages 41114

It's been awhile, but I finally ventured out this week. First to the Post Office and then I went to Karen's.   I didn't take my tools or equipment because I was strong enough to sew.

Evening Pages 41014

I finally checked my phone messages. The doctor left a message bout my blood work results. My potassium is low.

Late Morning Pages 4914

Today is Jasmine's birthday.

Morning Pages 4814

Why am I feeling this way? I felt great on Sunday and I woke up okay on Monday, but then it happened. I felt hot and then cold.

Evening Pages 4714

Not a good beginning

Morning Pages 4614

Slept late. Now I'm trying to blog and get in the shower. I had to start blogging so I won't miss writing this day. Everything is alright. There's nothing too hard fro my God. He's blessing me and my family. I thank Him for his goodness and mercies.

Morning Pages 4514

I woke up early went to the bathroom and then back to bed. I was only going to sleep for another hour but I slept for two. I got up and decided to try the new four patch technique. It does work. I just have to make sure I have a square to begin with. I've made several blocks with my charm pack; only to realize that the charm pack was not cut evenly. Today is a great day! I'm feeling good. I have several things to do, but I'm not rushing to do it. I will get to it and make sure it's complete by tonight. I have church tomorrow and I want to have the anniversary banner ready, so it can be hung up. My sister got up and did her chores. I even sent her her downstairs to get her clothes out of the dryer. She's capable of doing minimal things, and I have to make sure she does. Listening to her as she watches television; she's seen all of the movies and she comments constantly as she watches them. Thank you Lord for the little things that I take for granted. Thank you for all the blessings that you send my way. The parking space when I need it. The phone call from a love one when I'm thinking about them. Thank you God for all You do for me. My pray today is a thank you for how you watch over all my family and friends. I ask Father that you touch Auntie and give her back her health. Make her stronger each day, so that she doesn't have to take so much medication. I thank you for WP2's growth and I know you will continue to bring him through. I pray that soon he will begin eating solid foods, so he can be taken off the G-tube. You are majestic and merciful and I thank you for that. I pray that you keep a hedge of protection around my nephews while they are away from the family and that their time be shorten so they can come home to their families. Everyday is a gift, so open it up and use it. Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 4414

Today is Charles Edward's birthday. A very hard working and committed man to his children; even though they are adults. I've always seen him as a no nonsense type of person who would help you if he can, but don't try to take advantage of his kindness. This is his sixty-ninth birthday. He's a very simple man so I hope he has a great birthday. I have no list made, but I do have some things that I want to complete today. I asked Good to get me through this day and I'm praying that what ever I do I do it decently and in order. I had all four grandsons over yesterday. I need more room for them to play. The living room area is getting too small because they are getting too big. They are all growing up. WP2 has grown a lot and hangs right in there with the guys. In fact sometimes he's too rough,  LOL. I think about Penn a lot but I know he's not thinking about me. How does that saying go?,  "you don't miss the water till the well runs dry." I can't think of the other one. I have to let go. I know he's moved on so many times. The only reason why he even spoke to me at all was because he was asking me about our son Charles. Otherwise he would not have said a word to me. In fact I was he total shock when he started the conversation. This occurred at KZ2's birthday party. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Thank you Lord for this day! May I open this gift up and use it to the fullest. Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 4314

Up early, this is my busy day. I have back to back things to do. I'm picking up my grandsons from school and the babysitter. I'm praying that God will see me through today. I'm praying that things will go well. This is the first Thursday and I don't have anything scheduled that's why I'm watching the boys. I went on another eating frenzy. I had candy, cookies, and ice cream last night. I stayed up watching movies that I recorded. I didn't go to bed until two o'clock. I haven't the foggiest idea what was wrong with me. I do know I can do better. To know better is to do better. That's what I have to strive for. Doing better! Becoming what God wants me to be. I know that God has a lot of changes to make in me. Am I willing; Yes! Have I let go No! I'm still going forward. I have to see it through. My prayers are for all of my family and friends, but especially my family. We are all getting older and things are changing in our bodies. I pray that God will keep us safe and bring us through any and all hardships that we may endure. He knows each thought and each person that I'm praying for. He knows their individual circumstances. From the youngest to the oldest He knows. I will TRUST HIM! I will let HIM guide me through this journey of life. I THANK GOD for HIS many BLESSINGS! Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 4214

I Can't See Clearly Yet! I know one day all the little things that I sweated will be meaningless. I haven't gotten to that stage yet where I can see that everything that I've experienced was a lesson to be learned. It was suppose to be. I can hear my sister Rose saying "what's going to come up out of this, what lesson is God trying to teach me?" She always looked at each experience in her life as a lesson that she had to learn or was suppose to learn. It's so true! It's how we receive each and every experience. It's how we look at are situations. I'm always complaining about how this one didn't do this or what my mom should be doing? And the truth of the matter is I have to accept her for who she is and what she does. And if she wants to not do anything then that's her choice. I tell myself not to let everything or every little thing bother me but I do, and I know why. I'm always trying to be in control of my situations and my children's situations. Right now I was thinking about my son Will. He said he had choir rehearsal tonight. I am going to step into his business and see if choir rehearsal will be cancelled because of our Lenten services. See, that's should not be any concern of mine but it is. I'm so worried about my family making mistakes of getting in a jam that I think I can control the outcome. Wrong! This is a BIG problem that I have and I have to work on changing it. My journey and experiences are what I have to look back on and see what lesson was I suppose to learn and take with me or leave behind before I moved to the next level in my life. I slept late today but I up now and blogging. I'm going to get ready because I have to complete what i didn't finish yesterday. The pharmacy and bank and then I will be ready for the quilters today.

Evening Pages 4114

Today is April Fool's Day. I didn't have any jokes played on me; Oh, yes I forgot WP1 fooled me twice. This was a busy day so all that I didn't finish today I will do tomorrow. I thank God that I was able to do what I did. It's that time of year and my sister is getting frustrated with herself. I know it's hard to have to do for someone who doesn't want to try and do things for themselves. It's very hard to watch this day in and day out, and how our mom fools herself by saying she's going to do this and that and she never does. I know I should not judge her because I do the same thing. I just pray that my mom makes the necessary changes needed to keep her quality of life good. It's never going to be where it should be but it's not where it was.