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I'm doing something wrong. I need to stop and check out my daily routine. What's going on with me. Of course I'm eating too much. I'm dreaming more and up off and on during the night. I'm trying to control my life and I need to stop. I have to give up the ghost. I try to keep my mantra; Let Go and Let God, and don't sweat the small stuff.

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No time to write!

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I didn't sleep at all last night. I was up every thirty minutes to an hour dumping the water that dripped from the water knob on the toilet. Back and forth trying to find a different towel to mop up the water or just to keep it from flooding. This was a nightmare because my hands were killing me last night. They were both inflamed. I took something for it and used a cold compress to relieve the pain. It subsided for a while but no sleep didn't help it either. I thank God for His mercies. I have to Let Go and Let God direct my path.

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I forgot to blog on Wednesday.

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My dreams are weird and I'm not moving forward. I get angry or eat more because I think I should be controlling my situation and other situations that happen. I know this is crazy and I know that I must be crazy if I think I can do this. I can't make people do what I want them to do. I can't make them behave the way I think they should. I have to concentrate on me. I have to change the things that I'm doing wrong and then maybe I can be an example for others. I have to change my behavior. I'm sweating the small stuff. I'm out of control. I haven't Let Go and Let God. I am making a mess out of everything. I have to step back and Let Go! I don't have to be the fixer of anything. I don't have to try to solve the problem. Sometimes the problem or problems will solve themselves.

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I found myself going back into my old bag. I got annoyed yesterday because no one else took time out to visit mommy or I should say while we were there and we left close to four o'clock. I felt they should have at least stopped by before they ventured out, but who am I to try to control what others do. I have to worry about what I do, and leave it to that. I know I'm going to have to go see her sometime today because she may need money for her television. Anyway the crazy dreams are back so I know I'm not Letting Go and Letting God take hold of my life. I' sweating the small stuff and shouldn't be. Father God help me to see what it is that You have for me to do and where You want me to be. Help me to meditate and calm my spirit. Thank you Lord for this day.

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I'm not blogging today.

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Thinking about being intimate with Penn has been on my mind. I know that's not going to happen and I don't know why I'm dreaming about this.

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I need to be touched and loved. I'm dreaming weird dreams again. I have to stop eating so late. It's not good for me.

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It's so easy to fall back into your old habits. I was going to pick up something quick for dinner last night, but instead I came home and fixed something to go with the chicken I had. It wasn't a long drawn out task and I felt better about doing that. I find myself at a stand still. I have so much to do and yet I'm procrastinating again. It's not getting done. Okay let me rephrase that. I have so much to do in the apartment. I am still working on cleaning it. I realize and have always known that you can't give your children advise if you are not right. So I really have to get my act in order. My prayers are going up constantly and I have seen blessings coming down. I have a cluttered kitchen, bedrooms, and sewing room. The bathroom is the only room that's not cluttered. I told my son William that he had to de-clutter his house and then his life would get better. He's stressed out to the max, and that bothers me but I can't help him. He really doesn't want my help. So I pray and ask God to make help me change me, so I can show my children and hopefully it will help them change themselves. I had a dream about Penn and there were other people in my dream that I knew. Other family members as well as friends. In my dream I was very intimate with Penn or maybe that wasn't me at all. As I laid in bed this morning I heard myself breathing, but my breathe was like an echo. It startled me a bit. I cleared my throat and then it went away. Another busy day; funeral and then quilting with the seniors. I haven't done any quilting for myself since last Tuesday. I have to straighten the fabrics in my sewing room so I can get back on track. I ask God to help me plan my day. I ask Him to order it the way it should be. I pray that what I'm doing today is pleasing to Him. I have to continue to Let Go and Let God take care of me. I have to Let Go and Let God direct me. I have to TRUST in Him! I've seen his blessings and miracles and I have to Let Go and know that He will never Let me down! This is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Thank you Lord for all that You have done for me!

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I'm doing it again! Not sure what's bothering me because I ordered some things from HSN that I don't really need. I order four tops and an Air Climber. Am I going to use the Air Climber? Who knows? I had a weird dream, and in my dream someone was getting married. They were a family member, but I can't remember who. I'm trying to stop sweating the small stuff. I have to give it all to the Lord.

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Not sure what to blog about.

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Let go and let God is my mantra. I have no control over anything and I have to give it all to you God. I believe and I know what you are capable of. I have to TRUST you! I have to let go. I have to know that you will provide it all for me. I have to BELIEVE it will happen. I know from previous experiences that until I stop trying to control the situation nothing will happen. I will only mess it up! Yes, things get done but they don't flow. I know this because I've seen it happen. When God is in control everything you put your hands on or everything you have to do He will let it flow so easy you get surprised by His powerful works. Let Go and Let God is my mantra. I have to stop trying to fix things that I have no control over!

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I've been so busy trying to control things that I've forgotten what was really important. I have to let go and let God!

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no time to blog

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I have to really learn to keep my thoughts to myself. I have to not comment on conversations that I have  with my sons. I have to learn to be a listener; especially when they are sharing with me. It's not my place to comment; no matter what I think.

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I keep thinking about Joy's post on Facebook. She said her aunt gave her something that her mom didn't; a chance to say good-bye. That's so profound! I often think about Bettie and how she died all alone and no one knew for almost a week. I know if it bothers me how it must make Joy feel. I'm sadden by the loss of Janie although I know if she was in pain and suffering then her passing was relief.  I have so much to do and I feel out of order because my brain is looking at everything and trying to do everything at the same time. I have to learn to start small and work my way up. each room is a disaster. I have so much stuff and the more I get rid of the more I have; go figure! I am so thankful for each and everyday that God has given me. I think that my thoughts and feelings that I've expressed to my son Charles has caused him to distance himself from his father. I pray that he will come around and communicate his feelings to his dad. I never meant to do this and I pray that it will soon pass. There are a lot of scares between all of us and the healing has to take place. We must open up and release the pain. Thank you God for answered prayers.

Night Pages 51414

I haven't anything to blog about. Even though I'm sure I had plenty on my mind when I woke up this morning.

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I went to the bathroom several times through the night. I am very very sad about Joy's aunt Janie. I found out that she is really sick. I thought about how her family may feel if she dies. It's been a year since Joy's mom passed. I am so sad about Janie. Then my mom calls she doesn't want to go to the doctor for blood work. She's going through something again and I can't help her. She has to want to go. She's scared about something. Who am I to get angry with her? I know we all have our demons and vices that keep us from doing things. I eat when I'm depressed or angry, so I can't frown upon what she does; although she's really lessening her quality of life. I am trying to help her with her health issues by making sure she goes to the doctor and get the care she needs, but when she decides she's not going to go I can't do anything about it. This is the day that God has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. What do you do when you've done all you can. You just PRAY! I pray all the time and I thank God for his many blessings and answers. Please God take care of my family and friends.

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I had a good time yesterday. I went to visit Joy and WP1. Then I came home and cook my fish. I got upset because my youngest son hadn't called me to say Happy Mother's day. Everyone else had and he hadn't. I even told Joy that if there were no flowers on my table when I got home he was going to be on my list. Well, when I got home there were no flowers and he still hadn't called me. I was feeling some sort of way. I even thought about how his dad must feel when he doesn't get calls from anyone. So, of course here goes. I have to control everything. I text my son and tell him to make cure he call his grandmas and wish them a Happy Mother's day. He didn't reply. Then I heard the key in the door it was him. He told me he deliberately made me sweat. He said he was leaving the store when he got my text and he decided not to text me back. I was so happy to see him and he bought me some flowers. I'm so crazy, but I would have been really upset if he hadn't called me or come to see me. I didn't need anything. I just needed him to call me. I know that sounds very controlling and crazy.

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THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!

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I think I'm sleeping too much. Since I've been back I feel tired so I sleep longer. I'm not sure if that's good. I don't know what's going on in my head. I had a dream about a wedding. It was a young couple but it was a different ethnicity wedding. Yet, I thought I was really dreaming about my youngest son and his girl friend. My words are not here today. I have to speak up and speak out when I don't want to do something. I have to say no when I don't want to do something. I have to stop worrying about how others will always feel. Stop putting myself out there and then regretting it later. Yes, I don't mind helping but then I feel obligated to always be the one to do it. Again, that's the control freak in me, and then I'm not happy. I don't want to be responsible for others. I just want to help myself right now. I'm not talking about my grandchildren because they have their parents. I'm just there when they need me to step in and watch the kids. I'm there to love them and spoil them. I'm talking about taking care of my sister now. I don't really want that responsibility. I know she's getting what she needs by being here with me but I don't want to do it all the time. Then I think to myself why not be there for her. She needs to have the best quality of life she deserves. We all should have the best quality of life that we can have.   I enjoy volunteering and working with my quilt buddies. This give me something to do, and I'm interacting with some sharp, fun, and friendly women. Thank you God for this season.

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Sometimes we want to try to change the world, but it's really not up to us to make these changes. I truly believe that the more we pray and ask God to show us what we must do. Let go and let God! You can't change people if they don't want to be helped.

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Didn't get to blog today, but I wanted to post the date.

Morning Pages 5714

Feeling a little overwhelmed. I have triple duty today. I have my grandson and I have to take my mom to the doctor. I feel I can do it but I know it will be a tremendous task. I forgot that she had an appointment today. I was trying to see who I could get to take her but there was no one available. My other sisters and brother are working. So right now I'm left with the task. I'm going to leave Fajer at home. I pray this is the right thing to do. I feel tired and I've only been home five days. I'm always trying to please someone or extend my time. I really have to stop doing that. I don't mind but then I'm feeling some sort of way after I say yes. I need a little loving; that's all I need. Someone to rub my back and caress my body, and I'll do the same. Oh well, I haven't too many thoughts flowing in my head. I think I'm going to stop writing my morning pages for awhile. Not sure yet! Until tomorrow. . . Thank God for another beautiful day.

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I went to bed after the channel two news, but I wasn't feeling the same as I did while I was away. I had thoughts of intimacy and needed to be held and loved. I knew this was not going to happen. I wanted it so much but didn't pleasure myself. I went to sleep. I was up several times during the night because I drank too much water.

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I did it! I went on a nine day cruise. At first I didn't want to go because I thought I had so much to take care of; that's the control freak in me, but after planning with my sister Debbie and getting things in order. She took care of everything. I was able to relax and enjoy myself. I am so thankful that I worked smarter and not harder and was able to relax.