Morning Pages 123114

Thank you God for this day. I am so thankful for a clean, clear, and cold day.

Morning Pages 123014

God's Love conquers all. I'm thanking Him for all He has given me.

Morning Pages 122914

Take time to give God the glory. Thank Him for all things good or bad in your life.

Morning Pages 122814

God's grace is sufficient.

Morning Pages 122414 - 122714

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I'm going to stop blogging 12-31-14. God has been so good to me but  I haven't Let Go to see what else He has in store for me. I'm still trying to control my life.

Morning Pages 122314

This was a good day because God is in control of it!

Morning Pages 122214

Thank God for another day!

Morning Pages 122114

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Morning Pages 122014

Thank you God!

Morning Pages 121914

I'm tired but God's strength keeps me going.

Morning Pages 121814

Gods grace and mercy brought me through.

Morning Pages 121714

Beauty for Ashes . . . Thank you God!

Morning Pages 121615

God give me strength to go through each day.

Morning Pages 121514

Thankful for this day!

Morning Pages 121414

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it.

Morning Pages 121314

God's blessings are awesome.

Morning Pages 121214

It's been three days since I've blogged. I am so thankful for God's grace.

Morning Pages 12814

Lord I am thankful for all you do. My heart is heavy, but I knew the outcome before I asked or sent the message. I'm still trying to make things happen because I think they should be that way. Please forgive me fo I have sinned by thought, word and deed. I ask that you show me the way. I know you must be tired of me because I'm sure you have directed my path and I've taken the other path. Controlling and jealousy are two demons that I haven't let go of yet. Please, Lord don't give up on me yet.

Morning Pages 12714

I thank you for protecting me from harm.

Morning Pages 12614

God's glory in the rain is sufficient.

Morning Pages 12514

Thank you God for a wonderful day!

Morning Pages 12414

Thank you God for directing my day.

Morning Pages 12314

Although there is strife and turmoil all around me I thank God for his protection!

Morning Pages 12214

Another day to be thankful for!

Morning Pages 12114

God bless this day!

Morning Pages 113014

Up and feeling good! I'm home today decided not to go to church. I thank God for another beautiful day considering the sad news that I received last night. I pray God's love and mercy on our family. I pray that God touch my cousins in any and all situations that they are going through and heal their hearts and bodies.

Morning Pages 112914

To God be the glory for the things He has done! I am so thankful for all that has been given to me. I thank God for my walk with Him. I thank God for the Love that He has for all of us. Praise God for His mercy is everlasting.

Morning Pages 112814

I am so ashamed of myself. I'm still holding onto something that will never be. Only God knows what my life will be. I know that I'm a co-creator but I have no control over anyone else but myself. Thank you God for my journey.

Morning Pages 112714

Thank God for this day!

Morning Pages 112614

God's grace and mercy is everlasting. Thank you God for this day, no matter how the weather is. Thank you for traveling mercy for my family that arrived safely from Virginia.

Morning Pages 112514

Thank you God for another beautiful day. Thank you for all you have given me.

Morning Pages 112414

Thank you God for this day!

Morning Pages 112314

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it. Thank You God!

Morning Pages 112214

Thank you God for another beautiful day! I am so thankful for my life. I'm so thankful that I can move my arms, legs, and body. I'm so thankful for my sound mind. I thank God for all my blessings; big and small.

Morning Pages 112114

God morning as Michelle always says. It is God's morning and I'm so thankful to be in it. I thank God for the many blessings seen and unseen. I thank Him for loving me when I didn't love myself. I thank Him for the courage to do what I do. I thank Him for being my God!

Morning Pages 112014

God's grace is sufficient. I thank God for waking me up and starting me on my way this day. I did what I said I was going to do; I did my Thanksgiving shopping and a few extra items. The store was fairly empty; that was great. I was able to peruse the isles and take my time. I did have a list; although I swayed slightly away from it when I remembered things I needed. Thank You God!

Morning Pages 111914

Thank you God for this day. Thank you for touching my mother today and giving her the right mind to go to the doctor. Thank you for giving me the strength to take my grandson to his Taekwondo class.

Morning Pages 111814

God's wonders never cease to amaze me. I thank God for His healing power.

Morning Pages 111614 & 111714

God's blessings for my family are awesome.

Morning Pages 111514

God's been so good to me, and I have to take care of what He's given me.

Morning Pages 111114 - 111414

May God continue to give me strength to go forward and give all I can to those in need along the way.

Morning Pages 111014

A new beginning . . . Thank you God!

Morning Pages 11614 - 11914

God's Love is sufficient.

Morning Pages 11514

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a place of no return. I am so thankful for all hat  have and all that I don't have, but lately I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

Morning Pages 11414

Thanking my God for another day of love, laughter and life!

Morning Pages 11314

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. I started my 21 day meditation today with Deepak Chopra. I will do it everyday; even if I have to do it in the evening.

Morning Pages 11214

The weather is changing and there's a coolness in the air. I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy. I am tankful for what He has given me. I pray that He keeps his arms wrapped around all of my family. Those near and far.

Morning Pages 11114

Thank you God!

Morning Pages 103114

God's grace and mercy will see me through. Thank you God for this day.

Morning Pages 103014

God's grace is sufficient. Sometimes you have to take your time. I didn't rush this morning because I got caught up working on my blog.

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Thank you God for this day. It's a wonderful gift to me.

Morning Pages 102814

Thank you God for your love and mercy. I thank you for the results that I received today after my mammogram.

Morning Pages 102714

Feeling good and loving this day. God's wonderful creations are beautiful.

Morning Pages 102614

Thank God for this day!

Morning Pages 102514

I'm so thankful for this day. I was glad that I did what I had to do Friday night instead of waiting for Saturday morning. Thank you God for another day.

Morning Pages 102414

Beautiful day! May God continue to shine on me!

Morning Pages 102314

God's blessings seen all around me!

Morning Pages 102214

Thank God for this day.

Morning Pages 102114

I have to stop trying to be in charge. I get too wound up about simple things; things that I have no control over. I know that's why I frustrate myself. I need to stop sweating the small stuff and most of the things I get upset about is small stuff. I'm thanking God for His many blessings.

Morning Pages 102014

Another gift from God; thank you for the beautiful day. My prayers are going out to my nephew Keyon. He's going through some serious changes that are not like him at all. I can't believe it. Only God knows what's happen to him. I pray that God will touch Keyon's mind and let him see what can happen to him if he doesn't make a change in his life right now.

Morning Pages 101914

Thank you God for this beautiful cold day. The Breast Cancer walk was so refreshing.

Morning Pages 101814

Thank you God for getting me up and out of the house today.

Morning Pages 101714

Thank you God for this busy day.

Morning Pages 101614

Another day that God has given; rain for the trees, animals and us.

Morning Pages 101514

Thank you God for another day.

Morning Pages 101414

Thank you God for another wonderful day. I am so grateful for everything I am able to do.

Morning Pages 101314

Thanking my God for another day. I'm feeling good about me today. I should have this feeling everyday. I'm a precious gem and should always treat myself that way. I should never settle for less. My Father is rich in heaven and He supplies all my needs and even the desires of my heart. He knows what I need and provides it when I need it. I'm so grateful for my God and through His son I am saved.

Morning Pages 101214

Thankful for this beautiful cool day.

Morning Pages 101114

I'm so thankful for the messenger God sent me this morning. I'm thankful for his order in my life. I'm thankful for all He gives me.

Morning Pages 101014

 I'm so thankful for the friends that God has placed in my life. I am so thankful for being here to help with my grandchildren. I'm so thankful for all that I have. I'm so so thankful that I can share it with others.

Morning Pages 10914

I'm so grateful for this beautiful brisk day. I'm so grateful for my strength that God has given me, and that I'm able to help my family and friends. I'm so grateful for the new apartment God gave my mom. Wait, wait on the Lord. I pray that God will touch my Keyon's heart and mind and change his direction that he thinks he wants to take. I'm so, so grateful for God's protection and healing.

Morning Pages 10814

Thank you God for the day. I'm so thankful for the strength I need each day from God to help me move pain free. I'm so thankful for the sunshine and rain. I'm so thankful for all that God has given me.

Morning Pages 10714

Thanks be to God for is mercy and love. I'm so grateful for His healing power. I'm so grateful for His hedge of protection that surrounds my family and friends.

Morning Pages 10614

I'm so thankful for my God who never leaves you even when you leave yourself. I'm so thankful for my family and friends. I'm so thankful for the strength He gives me each day.

Morning Pages 10514

God blessed this day! He made each moment memorable.

Morning Pages 10414

Thank you God for all you do!

Morning Pages 10314

I feel like I'm following the calendar. I do have a few mishaps, but I am going to give it a try. I can't give up. I have to start moving more. I'm going to make a 32 ounce jar of lime water each day. I'm so grateful for God's love. I have to work on the church program, so I can take it on Saturday.

Morning Pages 10214

Write it out! Today is my day to write out my feelings. I started out this morning thinking about how controlling I still am. I have to stop and step back. I do things for my mom and other s and then I get annoyed when it seems to be overwhelming. I have to step back and take a look at myself. I have to stop interfering with everyone else's situation. I have to realize that I can't save or protect them from the world or problems.  I did start out on a better foot today, but as the day went on I boxed myself into doing things that I should have waited to do later. .

Morning Pages 10114

Thank you God for this day!

Morning Pages 93014

Morning Pages 92914

I'm still not doing these morning pages right, so I decided to change and start writing about "what I'm grateful for?" I grateful for the movement of my hands. I grateful for how God continues to keep me even when I mess up. I'm grateful for my life and the lives of others that God has placed around me.

Morning Pages 92814

Thankful for a great day!

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I am so thankful.

Morning Pages 92614

This is the day that the Lord has made and I will be glad and rejoice in it. Thank You God for another opportunity to get it right. I love for companionship. I know that you are here and with me, but I do long for a touch, a hug, a kiss, a laugh with the opposite sex. I yearn for a slow hand and an easy touch. I am so grateful to have lived to see some of my grandchildren. I pray that I see many more. I'm grateful for my friends that God has placed in my life. I'm so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ.

Morning Pages 92514

I'm so crazy. I'm thinking more and more about Penn. Lord help me to make the changes I have to make to move on. I want Penn in my life and I want it to be more than just a parent. Please forgive me for my transgressions, anger, reactions, and not having faith in what You can do. I'm so thankful for all that You do for me. I'm so thankful for how you keep me from day to day. God please forgive my trespasses. Why can't Penn want me back? That's what I think about all the time. I can't move on until I completely let GO and Let God do it all!

Morning Pages 92414

I've been dreaming about Penn or I should say he's been showing up in my dreams. I am angry that he doesn't want me back, but I am glad that he's talking to me. I am thankful for the little steps that Penn and I are making. I am thankful that my flame is sparking again. I got stuck and I can't let that happen. I've been caught up with gossiping too much between my siblings and I have to stop that. I have to listen more and not jump into situations too fast. Thank You God for this day!

Morning Pages 92314

Angry with myself. I'm thinking about what my life would have been like with Penn. I'm beating myself up. Thanking God for his grace. I have to let go and let God guide me. I didn't pick up the layaway, so tomorrow I will go and pay on it. I haven't lost any weight. I keep telling myself "I'm going to start tomorrow, and tomorrow continues to be tomorrows." I keep fooling myself. I saw a quilt buddy of mine and she looks great. She's been on a lifestyle change, and she's really sticking to it. All I could think about was when I did that. I felt great! I know I can do this again. It's for my health and no one else. I have to want better for me! I have to let go of old thoughts, and I have to move forward. I have to treat myself like the precious GEM that I am.

Morning Pages 92214

This is a crazy time for me. I don't know what I should be doing. Maybe I shouldn't do anything, just continue to pray and let God do the rest. I feel as though I'm taking myself in circles and I guess that's because I'm still trying to control the situation. Thank you God for the day.

Morning Pages 92114

Never a dull though in my head. I am always thinking about Penn. I haven't stopped thinking about what I can't have. I hate the fact that I can't let go of wanting him. I know he doesn't want me so why am I determined to have him. Is it because I don't want anyone else to have him? Only God knows!

Morning Pages 92014

Forgot to blog today.

Morning Pages 91914

Woke up at 6:00 this morning. So many thoughts going through my head. I keep thinking about Penn; only because the closer I think he's trying to get back to me. The farther he's moving away from me. I have to stop reading more into our conversations. I get angry with myself for not letting go. Although I tell myself that I have. I do love and care about Penn. I pray constantly about God putting us back together; that's if it's suppose to be. Only God knows what our future is as a couple. I was thinking about my adult children and how I'm always holding on to them and trying at times to control their lives. I get angry with helping my mom and even having my sister, and then I look at myself and how God has kept me. I am so compulsive and I have to be still and not try to fix everything. I am always trying to keep things in my control. If I let Go and Let God be in charge of my life I know all things are possible. I haven't quilted in weeks. I haven't completed projects that I have in my head or started. I know this isn't going to happen unless I let go and start. Don't make excuses! Don't blame anyone but myself! I thank God for the joy that He's given me with my Penn, my children, my friends, my family, my crafts, and now my grandchildren. I am so thankful for all these things. I am happy with the baby steps that I've made, and now I know I have to drop off all the layers and start new. I have to release these thoughts and I have to let God slowly put on new layers. I have to leave the old at the alter. I was angry with Penn but it wasn't all his fault. I have made many mistakes but I can't continue to look at the past or hold on to the past. I have to move forward. I want LOVE, compassion, companionship, happiness. But first I have to LOVE myself.

Morning Pages 91814

Missed writing today. God's grace is sufficient.

Morning Pages 91714

I have to be as straight forward with Penn as I can. He's come a long way. He's talking to me now and I'm so glad of that, but I have to communicate with him. I am still angry with myself for not letting go of Penn. Not because I want  someone else but because I need to free myself from this hold that I have. I have to be honest with myself. I feel bad that Penn's mom was very angry with him after Will's wedding. I pray that he let's go and get back with her. He was so close to his mom and now he hardly speaks to her. I think he should reconsider. I have to let go my underlying anger that I have for my mom. I have to see her for who she is and not be angry when she doesn't do what she should for herself. I am only responsible for me and I have to start now. I see myself going forward and then I fall back into that same old bag. I have to decide what I'm going to do; not so much as to how I'm going to do it. I know that God is moving in my life and He's going to bring me through. I pray for His direction. I've let myself get into a slump. I haven't be productive. I start out in my head saying what I'm going to do and then I don't do it. I want to work on the second quilt so I can give then to Janet. She's going to give them to her seniors that she takes care of. I have been so laid back. I have so much to do and I haven't done it yet! I am happy that I went to the jazz festival and I am happy that I ran into Penn. Thank you God; although I was scared when I saw him. I thought he would be angry with me, because I was in his area. I watched him throughout the show. He didn't see me but I did see him. I am going to work on a few changes today. I am going to treat myself like the precious object I am.

Morning Pages 91614

I have to stop holding on. I have to let go and let God bring me through. I'm scared. I've been in control so long that I have a hard time taking off the gloves. I have a hard time showing who I really am. I I I that's all I'm thinking about now. Is it so wrong to think about me now and not about what others need. Maybe I'm a phony. Maybe I do things to make people like me and maybe I'm not sincere at all. I have to stop and do nothing. I have to take care of who I am. I have to change me.

Morning Pages 91514

I have to LOVE myself first, before I love someone else. God's grace and mercy will bring me through. Thank You God for this day.

Morning Pages 91414

This is the day that the Lord has made and know matter how it ends God is in control.

Morning Pages 91314

A great day!

Morning Pages 91214

Good Morning God, I want to thank You for my life. I want to thank You for my growth in You. I want to thank You for all You do for my family. I want to thank You for Penn and how You keep him here with us. How You have his health in Your hands. Thank You God for this day!

Morning Pages 91114

God's grace is sufficient. I thank God for how he's working in my life. I thank Him for all he's done for me and my family.

Morning Pages 91014

Good morning God! Thank you for directing my path. You are an awesome God!

Morning Pages 9914

Praise God from Whom all Blessings flow. Thank You God for everything.

Morning Pages 9814

So much going on today, but I thank God for his mercy. I pray much strength for my family.

Morning Pages 9714

God's grace is sufficient. I pray for peace and comfort.Thank you God for how you work in our lives.

Morning Pages 9614

Thank you God for another day of HOPE! I'm thankful for Your love and mercy. I'm so thankful for how you keep us safe as we slumber. I'm so thankful for who You are. I pray that the people who live around my mother will be peaceful. I thank you for her new apartment. THANK YOU GOD!

Morning Pages 9514

Thank you God for this day. Today we celebrated or acknowledge the birthdays for Carmella "Pudney" Wortman; my aunt, Yvette Muhammad; my cousin, and Rose Leona Giles; my sister. I thank God for his mercy and grace for all of us to see another year.

Morning Pages 9414

God is good and I thank him for each and everyday.

Morning Pages 9214

I'm grateful for my time that I spend with my grandsons. I'm thankful for the little blessings that You give me. I'm grateful for my life and the ability to move around and take care of others.

Morning Pages 9114

Thank you God for this day. A day that I can rest and not feel pressured.

Morning Pages 83114

Good Morning God,
I thank you for each and every gift you've given me. I thank you for your love. I thank you for blessing me and my family. I thank you for keeping Penn's health steady. I thank you for all the family everywhere they are. Those that I love and care for. I thank you for my good days and my bad days. God's Love!

Morning Pages 83014

God's grace is sufficient. Thank you for another day of blessings. I am so thankful for my mom's move. She's happier now although she still has her crazy outburst.

Morning Pages 82914

Thanking God for this day. Today would have been my grandma Grace's birthday. If she was living she would be over a hundred years old. I'm thanking God for my Life!

Morning Pages 82814

When the prayers go up the BLESSINGS do come down. I know it's all in God's time but it happens. My mom finally moved our of the old building and into a two bedroom townhouse. Our prayers have been answered.

Morning Pages 82714

God's grace is sufficient. Thank you God for blessing me to see another birthday. Today is my fifty-eighth year, and I am grateful for all that I have. I am grateful for His love. I'm grateful for all of my family; immediate and extended family. I'm grateful for my blended family. God's been so good to me. I am grateful for the friends He has sent to me, and I'm grateful for the ones He's kept from me. Thank you for this Gift of Life!

Morning Pages 82614

Happy Days are here, today and everyday! I'm thankful everyday just to wake up and start off without pain. I know that God is moving me forward and He knows how long I will have to go through this season. Thank You God!

Morning Pages 82514

Thank you God for this day. I am so thankful for your grace and mercy. You continue to keep me in your loving arms. I am still becoming reactive instead of being proactive, but I know you are working on me and I am letting go of this control habit that I have. Thank You God!

Morning Pages 82414

God will make a way out of no way. Trust and believe. He's all you need. Read His word and you shall see.

Morning Pages 82314

His goodness and mercy is everlasting. Thank you good for this day. I am so grateful for how you worked everything out.

Morning Pages 82214

God's blessings are sufficient!

Morning Pages 82114

God's plans not mine. He makes away and His design is not my design. I thank God for this day and everyday He wakes me up.

Morning Pages 82014

I am grateful for God's grace and mercy. I am grateful for a loving family. I am grateful for forgiveness and healing souls and hearts.

Morning Pages 81914

I started out this day with a pancake breakfast, thank God for this wonderful day.

Morning Pages 81814

Thank you God for being in charge of my life. You continue to show me how wonderful you are; when I wait on You!  This is the day that You have made and I will be glad and rejoice in it.

Morning Pages 81714

God's creations are wonderful! Being here this weekend was great for me. Communing with nature; at least communing while you walk to the dining hall is wonderful.

Morning Pages 81614

God's grace is sufficient!

Morning Pages 81514

Thank you God for this day. I pray that you guide me on my way. I am always so fearful to drive; especial when I have no idea where I'm going. I have to remember that I am not alone; you are always with me. You are my navigator and guide. Let Go and Let God!

Morning Pages 81414

I got so caught up with things yesterday that I forgot to blog. I had a crazy dream. It's always about children. I'm teacher or working with children in some capacity. There was a trip; two bus loads, and my sister Bernice and I were chaperoning. There were so many children that we were left off the bus. I tried to call the driver to come back for us, but my cell phone wasn't sending out calls, and it was also low on battery. Anyway, that's some of what I could remember about my dream. Thank you God for another day!

Morning Pages 81314

Body is a little stiffer this morning , but God is good and I am thankful!

Morning Pages 81214

Thank God for the movement of my arms. I am so thankful that I can move them over my head.

Morning Pages 81114

Sleep! I need to get some sleep. I can't stay up too late anymore. My body can't take it, and it can't take getting too much sleep either.

Morning Pages 81014

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Thank you God for all you do! Time waits for no one!

Morning Pages 8914

The goodness of God shines through!

Morning Pages 8814

Thank You God!

Morning Pages 8714

Up earlier than usual. Thanking God for another nights sleep and another beginning. I had a few aches when I laid down, but I'm thankful that I can move when I get up.

Morning Pages 8614

Good morning God! Thank You for all You have given me. I am learning to Let Go and Let God into my life. I thank Him for my love ones, my neighbors, my friends, and even those He has not sent to me yet.

Morning Pages 8514

Reluctant, but being obedient to God. So, thankful for another day. I have to get my eating in check. Let Go and Let God.

Morning Pages 8414

Good Morning God! Another day to be thankful for all You have given me; health, strength and a sound mind. Let Go and Let God!

Morning Pages 8314

Good Morning God! Thank You for another beautiful day. I pray that all of my family and friends are well protected in Your loving arms. I pray a special prayer for Penn. Thank You for how you have kept him. Let Go and Let God!

Morning Pages 8214

Thinking so many wrong things. I don't even want to blog about it. I just thank God for how He's working in my life. I'm letting go and letting God.

Morning Pages 8114

Hello God! Thank you for this day!

Morning Pages 73114

Wow! Today is the last day in July. Why do I always feel or make myself feel guilty when I decide not to do something. I did tell Josephine that I might come out to VBS on Wednesday and Thursday, but I decided not to go. I received a call from her and she was very very upset. She wanted to know if I would be there on Thursday to help with the crafts. I don't know if I'll make it because I'm helping my son with WP1. I assisted with gathering materials for the crafts, but I did not commit to being there to do the crafts. I know she was trying to get me to be in charge but that's not what I wanted to do. Now, I'm feeling guilty. I should have gone last night. Why do I do this to myself? I have to let go and let God. I can't do everything. I know I use to try to please everyone but I can't. It didn't make me happy. Instead I would complain about having to do it.

Morning Pages 73014

I'm so thankful that Penn and I are talking now. I'm thankful that he shared what's happening with his health. I prayer that God will be with his doctors, so they will always prescribe the correct medicine for him. I have to stay in touch with him. I don't want to be a PITA. I just want to be there for him.

Morning Pages 72914

I pray that God will keep my nephew safe while he goes through this season of his. I am so thankful that my youngest son is going to finally marry his girl friend. They have been together for such a long time. I pray their union be blessed and strengthened.

Morning Pages 72814

Thank you God for all of the people you send my way (family, friends, acquaintances). This is the day that the Lord has made, I will be glad and rejoice in it.

Morning Pages 72716

Thank you God for another day of movement, sound mind, and hope. I felt very sad today. Maybe I'm contradicting myself because I felt lonely; yet I had my sister with me. I felt lonely because I was in need of a hug, kiss, a touch. I called my sons and they were all with their families. I had no one to talk to. I shouldn't say that because I did have my sister, but it's hard to talk to her because she doesn't give me the feedback that I need. Let Go and Let God. In his time I won't feel this way.

Morning Pages 72614

Thank God for another day. I'm up and moving forward. He continues to direct my path. Letting go; slowly but surely.

Morning Pages 72514

Up earlier than I've been in a long time. I had to put out the donation pick up for LFA (Lupus Foundation of America). I cleaned out my closet and bookshelf; packed up everything yesterday and set it out in the driveway this morning. I'm working on de-cluttering my life, and I have to start with my house first. My dreams are still strange and at times I can't remember them, but I feel good. Praying everyday for God's guidance. Trusting Him to take care of what I need; at least I'm trying very hard to do that. I thank God for how he is moving in my life. I have to continue to pray for myself and my family (this includes all of my friends too).  

Morning Pages 72414

I found out that today is my aunt Tunie and uncle Jerry's wedding anniversary, and they have been married for 53 years. I was five years old when they got married. May God continue to bless their union! I love them dearly!

Morning Pages 72314

Thank You God!

Morning Pages 72214

Trust God!

Afternoon Pages 72114

. . . ?

Morning Pages 72014

Missed blogging again!

Morning Pages 71914

No thoughts to blog today.

Morning Pages 71814

I slept in today. I did absolutely nothing. Late morning I had an unexpected call from Charles E. Penn. I was glad to hear from him. I think I talked his ear off. I think adult conversation is good. I talk with my sister but our talks are very limited; unless we are talking about her favorite show Castle. Then she will talk your ear off.

Morning Pages 71714

Stayed up too late and got up early, but for once I wasn't trying to control the situation. God planned and moved me through my day. we were finished by noon. Let Go and Let God!

Morning Pages 71614

My spirit is in turmoil. I am very anxious because I was not truthful and I know I should have been. God please let everything be alright.

Morning Pages 71514

Be still! Sometimes you have to be still and do nothing extra. Don't add anything else to what you are already doing. Letting go is hard but necessary.

Morning Pages 71414

God grant me the guidance I need. I'm thinking about past events that I have gone through. Please help me stay in prayer for all things that I am going through or that will come.

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Crazy things in my head. How do I make them go away? I know they are not my battles to fight, so why do I keep them? I'm still trying to hold on to that control. It's not mine to have. I have to let go! Thank you God for this day!

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Up and getting ready for the day. I'm dreaming crazy things and can't remember what I dreamt about. I felt a little out of place when I went to pick up Lil' Will. Penn was there and it seemed as though he was hiding from me. I'm not really sure if he did this but that's how I felt.

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Didn't blog! Forgot!

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I'm blogging a lot later than I usually do. I had so much to blog about and now I have nothing.

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I'm just a train wreck waiting to happen. I need to be touched and loved. I'm so scared of stepping out I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself to Let Go and Let God! My daily mantra "don't sweat the small stuff."

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Crazy dreams! Thinking about my mom's new apartment. Aunt Tunie was one of the inspectors. It was in a horrific area.

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One more day and it's my Charles' birthday. He will be twenty-nine. I was twenty-nine years old when I had him. His father's birthday was the first of July. I feel like I'm going backward again. I take one  step forward and then two steps back. I'm dreaming crazy dreams about Bill. Things that will never happen. I have to Let Go and Let God. I'm really trying not to sweat the small stuff. Oh God please HELP me! I know I have to TRUST YOU!!

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I'm not blogging anymore and I have to get back on track. It helps when I'm able to blog about my concerns or feelings.

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I just thankful for my life that God has given me. I am reading the Daniel Plan and I pray that I'm open to and TRUSt God to bring me through.

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Forgot to blog!

Afternoon Pages 7314

Don't sweat the small stuff. I have to keep telling myself this. I have to not let little things bother me. My arm is getting better and I'm glad of that. I talked to my aunt today and I was so glad to here from her. We talked for hours. I was venting more than she was.

Morning Pages 7214

Not that I don't have anything to blog about. I just don't have time. I'm giving it up again to take care of someone else's needs and wants.

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Today is Penn's birthday. I texted him at 12:07 am to say Happy Birthday. He did text me back. I feel good when Penn answers me. I know he doesn't care about me the way I care about him, but I'll take any and every little response I can get. There was a time that he didn't even want to be in the same room with me. That really hurt!

Morning Pages 63014

I was so absorbed in what I had to do that I forgot to blog. Love is an important thing in one's life. If you do not love or aren't love it makes you not care about others.

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A new day!

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I didn't talk to Kcyiqa or Jasmine first, but I wanted to take them to the food pantry to sign up for food. I would be their  proxy and bring it to them on the third of the month. As I sit here blogging do I want to add this task onto everything else that I do. I need to pray about things before I take them on. I know God will send me the answer.

Afternoon Pages 62714

I'm still cleaning the kitchen counters off. I want the least amount of items left on it. I have to put the microwave back but in a different spot. I am going to put the liquor on the shelf.

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I'm still in my pj's. Just not feeling it today. I actually started cleaning off the counter tops in the kitchen.

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I was up very early today. Fee had an eight o'clock appointment at Rutgers' Dental School formerly (UMDNJ).

Morning Pages 62414

I have so much to be thankful for. After I got upset about a situation that occurred. I didn't care when I saw my son. It was lifted from me. I know I anger or annoy my son when I say things or comment about things, but I don't care. I need to let him know how I feel. I know we all want the best for our children, but sometimes we need to step back and let go of them. Yesterday was a good day.  

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Days are going by so fast. This month will be out before you know it. I'm trying to get things done. I am trying to let go of things that are not in my control. I have much to do and I just need to stop saying it and do it. I am a procrastinator when I don't know how to approach a situation or thing. I have to brainstorm before I come up with a solution. I been eating too much and drinking too much at night before I go to bed. Last night wasn't too bad. I only got up once. I'm still working on checking myself when I'm sweating the small stuff. I'm moving towards letting go and letting God take charge of my life. I have to TRUST Him.

Morning Pages 62214

I didn't have time to blog. I've been having weird dreams and I'm getting up every hour and a half to use the bathroom. I have to stop drinking so much water.  Got up feeling exhausted and wanted to stay home from church, but I pulled myself together and went. We were a little late.

Morning Pages 62114

The first day of summer. I had to take a moment and blog a few lines. I forgot to blog yesterday. Don't know why that happened. I had all day to do it. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Then before I went to bed I printed the church programs. I should have done that earlier.

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I was still thinking about a situation that happened two years ago.

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Going to bed thinking about a situation occurred two years ago isn't good because you wake up thinking about the same thing. I'm sweating the small stuff. I have to let it go now! If I don't I'll be wasting my gift.

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I have to TRUST God. He works it all out in the long run.

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Today is Bernice's birthday. I forget her order of birth, but she's fifty-two today. I'm so behind on things that I should have done, but I don't care. It's not that I don't care it's that I'm trying not to rush al the time. I always try to cram so much in one day. I want to try to take my time and go with the flow. If it happens or if I get it all done then great and if not I will try to complete it the next day. I pray daily and I am Letting Go and Letting God direct my path. I have to Trust in Him. I know he will always make a way. I know that no matter what happens or how it may look. God is in control of my life.

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I'm so thankful!

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Today's a beautiful day!

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A New Day!

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Missed blogging on Friday.

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Another day that God has made. It's raining again but without the rain things won't grow. I ate very late last night had a problem and I had a drink of rum last night. In fact I had two drinks. What was on my mind? I can't even say. What was bothering me? I don't know! Oh well, I'm up and getting ready to start my day. Laundry is on my agenda, and going to my grandson's concert is the next thing.

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Crazy thoughts and dreams flowing through my mind. I have to stop eating late. Time to change my lifestyle. I've been hanging onto this one too long. I need to renew and revitalize me.

Morning Pages 61014

Crazy dreams are happening again. I'm not sure why, but I'm dreaming about my colleagues and a party, and then about old friends that I haven't seen in a long time. I feel good about me today. I am working on positive affirmations. Speaking good things into existence. I've dwelt on the negative for so long. I'm bringing negative things back to me. I know what good will come when you give it to God and He will order your time and blessings. I went to my rheumatologist yesterday and for the first time since I've been see this kind of doctor. My new rheumatologist gave me exercises to do to help strengthen my knees and help my hands. I know now I have to ask more questions when I visit my doctors.

Morning Pages 6914

I have thoughts of thankfulness. I'm so thankful for all that I am and all that I have. I don't know why I feel guilty when I say no to my mother. She wanted me to buy her some sheets after my doctor's appointment. I told her I wasn't going to do that. It's never enough for her. She always needs me to do something for her. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. You would think she could wait until then. She's waited this long. I know this is small stuff but she annoys the hell out of me. It's never enough.

Morning Pages 6814

Speak good things into existence. What comes out of our mouth should be positive things.

Morning Pages 6714

I've been having lustful dreams. I'm angry with myself for doing for others and going out of my way and not being appreciated for what I've done. I'm sweating the small stuff. I have to know when to say no and not feel bad about saying it. I'm not trying to be malicious or revengeful. I just have to stop trying to do everything for everyone.

Morning Pages 6614

I haven't watched the news and I feel a little left out, but so much violence. It's such a wicked world. These are the times of the beast, but our Lord is coming soon. I find myself thinking about people and then they call or show up. I have to continue on this path that God has for me. I have to Let Go! I continue to pray for my family.

Morning Pages 6514

I should start blogging as soon as I get up but I don't and then what I wanted to get rid of may not be there.

Morning Pages 6414

I had a dream about my sister Rose or I should say she was in my dream. She got her hair done and it was full of curls. She stopped using panthenol an ingredient found in shampoos and her hair was growing. I not sure what's going on with me. I missed placed the remote to the television in the living room. Where could it be? Did I throw it away? I put my deposit down for my quilt retreat trip; can't wait to get away. I don't know what I'm feeling. I see the mercies of God each and every day. I see His mercies through nature, through my grandson WP2. God has been so good to my family; all of my family. Thank you Lord for this day and everyday. I have to remember that each day is a gift, so I have to open it and use it to its fullest. To God be the Glory for the things He has done!

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I went to bed early last night. Woke up a couple of times going to the bathroom. When I drink too much before bedtime I go several times throughout the night. I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop at a certain time but I don't. I don't know why I continue to sweat the small stuff. I continue to let little things bother me because I want to be in control and when things don't go the way I think they should I get out of control. I'm not trying hard enough to let go of things.

Morning Pages 6214

I find myself in a state of nothing. I'm not moving forward. I feel like I'm going backwards. I'm not sure why, but I know I have to TRUST that God will show me my purpose. What am I suppose to be doing? I know I have several things that I do during the week, but is this what I'm to do. I have to stop trying to make things alright and Let Go! Change has to happen that's how we know we are growing.  look at my grandchildren and see how they have grown. It happens so fast although it's not. Time waits for no one, so lets not close our eyes because you will miss it.  Thank you God for this day!

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Wow a new month begins!

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I'm doing something wrong. I need to stop and check out my daily routine. What's going on with me. Of course I'm eating too much. I'm dreaming more and up off and on during the night. I'm trying to control my life and I need to stop. I have to give up the ghost. I try to keep my mantra; Let Go and Let God, and don't sweat the small stuff.

Morning Pages 53014

No time to write!

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I didn't sleep at all last night. I was up every thirty minutes to an hour dumping the water that dripped from the water knob on the toilet. Back and forth trying to find a different towel to mop up the water or just to keep it from flooding. This was a nightmare because my hands were killing me last night. They were both inflamed. I took something for it and used a cold compress to relieve the pain. It subsided for a while but no sleep didn't help it either. I thank God for His mercies. I have to Let Go and Let God direct my path.

Morning Pages 52814

I forgot to blog on Wednesday.

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My dreams are weird and I'm not moving forward. I get angry or eat more because I think I should be controlling my situation and other situations that happen. I know this is crazy and I know that I must be crazy if I think I can do this. I can't make people do what I want them to do. I can't make them behave the way I think they should. I have to concentrate on me. I have to change the things that I'm doing wrong and then maybe I can be an example for others. I have to change my behavior. I'm sweating the small stuff. I'm out of control. I haven't Let Go and Let God. I am making a mess out of everything. I have to step back and Let Go! I don't have to be the fixer of anything. I don't have to try to solve the problem. Sometimes the problem or problems will solve themselves.

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I found myself going back into my old bag. I got annoyed yesterday because no one else took time out to visit mommy or I should say while we were there and we left close to four o'clock. I felt they should have at least stopped by before they ventured out, but who am I to try to control what others do. I have to worry about what I do, and leave it to that. I know I'm going to have to go see her sometime today because she may need money for her television. Anyway the crazy dreams are back so I know I'm not Letting Go and Letting God take hold of my life. I' sweating the small stuff and shouldn't be. Father God help me to see what it is that You have for me to do and where You want me to be. Help me to meditate and calm my spirit. Thank you Lord for this day.

Morning Pages 52514

I'm not blogging today.

Morning Pages 52414

Thinking about being intimate with Penn has been on my mind. I know that's not going to happen and I don't know why I'm dreaming about this.

Morning Pages 52314

I need to be touched and loved. I'm dreaming weird dreams again. I have to stop eating so late. It's not good for me.

Morning Pages 52214

It's so easy to fall back into your old habits. I was going to pick up something quick for dinner last night, but instead I came home and fixed something to go with the chicken I had. It wasn't a long drawn out task and I felt better about doing that. I find myself at a stand still. I have so much to do and yet I'm procrastinating again. It's not getting done. Okay let me rephrase that. I have so much to do in the apartment. I am still working on cleaning it. I realize and have always known that you can't give your children advise if you are not right. So I really have to get my act in order. My prayers are going up constantly and I have seen blessings coming down. I have a cluttered kitchen, bedrooms, and sewing room. The bathroom is the only room that's not cluttered. I told my son William that he had to de-clutter his house and then his life would get better. He's stressed out to the max, and that bothers me but I can't help him. He really doesn't want my help. So I pray and ask God to make help me change me, so I can show my children and hopefully it will help them change themselves. I had a dream about Penn and there were other people in my dream that I knew. Other family members as well as friends. In my dream I was very intimate with Penn or maybe that wasn't me at all. As I laid in bed this morning I heard myself breathing, but my breathe was like an echo. It startled me a bit. I cleared my throat and then it went away. Another busy day; funeral and then quilting with the seniors. I haven't done any quilting for myself since last Tuesday. I have to straighten the fabrics in my sewing room so I can get back on track. I ask God to help me plan my day. I ask Him to order it the way it should be. I pray that what I'm doing today is pleasing to Him. I have to continue to Let Go and Let God take care of me. I have to Let Go and Let God direct me. I have to TRUST in Him! I've seen his blessings and miracles and I have to Let Go and know that He will never Let me down! This is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Thank you Lord for all that You have done for me!

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I'm doing it again! Not sure what's bothering me because I ordered some things from HSN that I don't really need. I order four tops and an Air Climber. Am I going to use the Air Climber? Who knows? I had a weird dream, and in my dream someone was getting married. They were a family member, but I can't remember who. I'm trying to stop sweating the small stuff. I have to give it all to the Lord.

Morning Pages 52014

Not sure what to blog about.

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Let go and let God is my mantra. I have no control over anything and I have to give it all to you God. I believe and I know what you are capable of. I have to TRUST you! I have to let go. I have to know that you will provide it all for me. I have to BELIEVE it will happen. I know from previous experiences that until I stop trying to control the situation nothing will happen. I will only mess it up! Yes, things get done but they don't flow. I know this because I've seen it happen. When God is in control everything you put your hands on or everything you have to do He will let it flow so easy you get surprised by His powerful works. Let Go and Let God is my mantra. I have to stop trying to fix things that I have no control over!

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I've been so busy trying to control things that I've forgotten what was really important. I have to let go and let God!

Morning Pages 51714

no time to blog

Morning Pages 51614

I have to really learn to keep my thoughts to myself. I have to not comment on conversations that I have  with my sons. I have to learn to be a listener; especially when they are sharing with me. It's not my place to comment; no matter what I think.

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I keep thinking about Joy's post on Facebook. She said her aunt gave her something that her mom didn't; a chance to say good-bye. That's so profound! I often think about Bettie and how she died all alone and no one knew for almost a week. I know if it bothers me how it must make Joy feel. I'm sadden by the loss of Janie although I know if she was in pain and suffering then her passing was relief.  I have so much to do and I feel out of order because my brain is looking at everything and trying to do everything at the same time. I have to learn to start small and work my way up. each room is a disaster. I have so much stuff and the more I get rid of the more I have; go figure! I am so thankful for each and everyday that God has given me. I think that my thoughts and feelings that I've expressed to my son Charles has caused him to distance himself from his father. I pray that he will come around and communicate his feelings to his dad. I never meant to do this and I pray that it will soon pass. There are a lot of scares between all of us and the healing has to take place. We must open up and release the pain. Thank you God for answered prayers.

Night Pages 51414

I haven't anything to blog about. Even though I'm sure I had plenty on my mind when I woke up this morning.

Morning Pages 51314

I went to the bathroom several times through the night. I am very very sad about Joy's aunt Janie. I found out that she is really sick. I thought about how her family may feel if she dies. It's been a year since Joy's mom passed. I am so sad about Janie. Then my mom calls she doesn't want to go to the doctor for blood work. She's going through something again and I can't help her. She has to want to go. She's scared about something. Who am I to get angry with her? I know we all have our demons and vices that keep us from doing things. I eat when I'm depressed or angry, so I can't frown upon what she does; although she's really lessening her quality of life. I am trying to help her with her health issues by making sure she goes to the doctor and get the care she needs, but when she decides she's not going to go I can't do anything about it. This is the day that God has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. What do you do when you've done all you can. You just PRAY! I pray all the time and I thank God for his many blessings and answers. Please God take care of my family and friends.

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I had a good time yesterday. I went to visit Joy and WP1. Then I came home and cook my fish. I got upset because my youngest son hadn't called me to say Happy Mother's day. Everyone else had and he hadn't. I even told Joy that if there were no flowers on my table when I got home he was going to be on my list. Well, when I got home there were no flowers and he still hadn't called me. I was feeling some sort of way. I even thought about how his dad must feel when he doesn't get calls from anyone. So, of course here goes. I have to control everything. I text my son and tell him to make cure he call his grandmas and wish them a Happy Mother's day. He didn't reply. Then I heard the key in the door it was him. He told me he deliberately made me sweat. He said he was leaving the store when he got my text and he decided not to text me back. I was so happy to see him and he bought me some flowers. I'm so crazy, but I would have been really upset if he hadn't called me or come to see me. I didn't need anything. I just needed him to call me. I know that sounds very controlling and crazy.

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THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!

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I think I'm sleeping too much. Since I've been back I feel tired so I sleep longer. I'm not sure if that's good. I don't know what's going on in my head. I had a dream about a wedding. It was a young couple but it was a different ethnicity wedding. Yet, I thought I was really dreaming about my youngest son and his girl friend. My words are not here today. I have to speak up and speak out when I don't want to do something. I have to say no when I don't want to do something. I have to stop worrying about how others will always feel. Stop putting myself out there and then regretting it later. Yes, I don't mind helping but then I feel obligated to always be the one to do it. Again, that's the control freak in me, and then I'm not happy. I don't want to be responsible for others. I just want to help myself right now. I'm not talking about my grandchildren because they have their parents. I'm just there when they need me to step in and watch the kids. I'm there to love them and spoil them. I'm talking about taking care of my sister now. I don't really want that responsibility. I know she's getting what she needs by being here with me but I don't want to do it all the time. Then I think to myself why not be there for her. She needs to have the best quality of life she deserves. We all should have the best quality of life that we can have.   I enjoy volunteering and working with my quilt buddies. This give me something to do, and I'm interacting with some sharp, fun, and friendly women. Thank you God for this season.

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Sometimes we want to try to change the world, but it's really not up to us to make these changes. I truly believe that the more we pray and ask God to show us what we must do. Let go and let God! You can't change people if they don't want to be helped.

Morning Pages 5814

Didn't get to blog today, but I wanted to post the date.

Morning Pages 5714

Feeling a little overwhelmed. I have triple duty today. I have my grandson and I have to take my mom to the doctor. I feel I can do it but I know it will be a tremendous task. I forgot that she had an appointment today. I was trying to see who I could get to take her but there was no one available. My other sisters and brother are working. So right now I'm left with the task. I'm going to leave Fajer at home. I pray this is the right thing to do. I feel tired and I've only been home five days. I'm always trying to please someone or extend my time. I really have to stop doing that. I don't mind but then I'm feeling some sort of way after I say yes. I need a little loving; that's all I need. Someone to rub my back and caress my body, and I'll do the same. Oh well, I haven't too many thoughts flowing in my head. I think I'm going to stop writing my morning pages for awhile. Not sure yet! Until tomorrow. . . Thank God for another beautiful day.

Morning Pages 5614

I went to bed after the channel two news, but I wasn't feeling the same as I did while I was away. I had thoughts of intimacy and needed to be held and loved. I knew this was not going to happen. I wanted it so much but didn't pleasure myself. I went to sleep. I was up several times during the night because I drank too much water.

Morning Pages 5514

I did it! I went on a nine day cruise. At first I didn't want to go because I thought I had so much to take care of; that's the control freak in me, but after planning with my sister Debbie and getting things in order. She took care of everything. I was able to relax and enjoy myself. I am so thankful that I worked smarter and not harder and was able to relax.

Morning Pages 42414

I didn't sleep good. I was up a couple of times using the bathroom. I really haven't had time to blog like I did in the beginning of the year. I will have to decide if I'm going to keep blogging my morning pages.

Morning Pages 42314

Wow! I'm thrilled and yet I feel as though I have so much to do before I sail tomorrow. My sister wasn't too happy with going to her old apartment. I know my mom isn't happy that I'm leaving because her birthday is the 29th of this month. I haven't been writing a lot. I have to get back to my morning pages. Now that I'm going away I may not be blogging for ten days. Wow! maybe there's a computer on board and I can still blog later in the day.

Evening Pages 42214

I started off my day trying to get things set, so when I'm away I know the bills will be taken care of.

Morning Pages 42114

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  Had a good service and got to see my oldest grandson; looking so spiffy in his three piece suit. He's growing up so fast and he has a great mom and dad. My prayer was that his parents would be together, but that was my prayer and not theirs. Here I go trying to control that situation, but it's not ever going to be that way because they have gone their separate ways and have other people in their life now. This is going to be a busy week for me I leave on the 24th on my cruise. I thank God for how he keeps on blessing me. I thank God for my family; immediate and extended. My prayers go out this morning to my family in Virginia, Omaha, East Orange, South Orange, Hillside, Jersey City, Newark, Cherry Hill, Elizabeth, Maplewood, Watchung, Somerville, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Chicago, Bloomfield, Alabama, Florida, Willingboro, South Jersey, and Lord if I've missed anyone please continue to put a hedge of protection around them. I send out a special prayer for Raymond and Cecil please watch over their going out and coming in. I woke up to a beautiful text message. It made my spirit smile. Thank you God for sending your Son to die for my sins and the sins of the world.

Morning Pages 42014

After my walk yesterday I did nothing. I felt as though I didn't need to rush yet I do. I have to make sure I have everything I'm going to need for my trip. I can't believe it's here. The week of the trip. I will be cruising on the 24th. I'm so glad and yet scared at the same time. I've never been on a ship. Oh Boy! My dream last night was about Peen. I can't remember all the details, but I know he was in it. Why am I looking for the impossible to happen. I know God knows what's best for all of us; especially me. I thought I stopped hoping and started letting God take over. I am so thankful for all that I have been given, and I hope I have learned something from all of my seasons. I hope I have really learned something and not just to be bitter because things didn't work out for me. I can't hold on to those negative feelings. Those should've, could've, would've feelings!, and What if? Let Go and Let God!

Evening Pages 41914

Procrastinating! I have to pack and I'm wasting time. Why? What am I afraid of?

Morning Pages 41814

Woke up late, and started off slow. I have to get everything ready for Sunday. I had a strange dream , but I can't remember everything. I do remember seeing Penn in my dream. Not sure why I was thinking about him. I hope he's okay. I have to call Frances and thank her for my card. I love that she remembers me and sends me cards through out the year. I was feeling very anxious last week concerning my trip, but now I'm just waiting patiently for that day. I think I'm starting to let go things and when I don't I've been asking myself what or why am I worried about that. Or that it doesn't really concern me. I have to stop trying to control everything. The one thing I have to do is clean up my apartment. I'm letting it go again. The walls are closing in on me. I have things everywhere again. Thank you God for keeping my family safe and for giving all of us what we need. You keep on blessing me and I thank you!

Morning Pages 41714

I haven't blogged for several days now.

Late Morning Pages 41614

I got up late, but just in time for WP2. I didn't take time to blog.

Afternoon Pages 41514

I'm trying to decide if I need to continue blogging. My mom found out that I was going on vacation. I wasn't trying to keep it from her. I just wanted to wait until it was closer to my time to leave. She found out because one of my sister's told her. It was a big secret but I know she felt hurt that I didn't tell her. Then I got some feeling of guilt. I was wondering why I was feeling this way. Why am I feeling guilty or like I did something to her? Now I wanted to do something for her to make her feel better. I thought about it and I didn't really do anything wrong. I just didn't tell her first or sooner. I have to also be considerate to myself. I'm always thinking about how someone else will feel; not that I don't care but I have to also think about myself.

Morning Pages 41414

Wow! I forgot to blog. Is that good or bad?

Afternoon Pages 41314

My blogging today isn't what it should be. There's only a few things that I want to say. Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I'm learning to 'Trust' in God!

Morning Pages 41214

I wake up with a calm feeling no coughing. Then I lay back down and the coughing begins. What's going on with me. I wish I could just release these symptoms. It's getting on my nerves. Can't take much more of this. Who am I fooling I will do what ever I have to until it's done. I felt good talking to Penn and helping him with his buy, but reality is reality and thats all that was. I can't read more into it. But my crazy never let go self will think more has occurred and it hasn't. Anyway, even when he called me back to tell me about his issue we talked more. I wasn't busy but even if I would I would have said no just to talk with him. I haven't changed Im still reaching for things that will never be mine. So it's time that I move on. Talking with him I do hear a different spirit. I hear someone who's faith and trust in God has changed so much. When he speaks about his abundance it's amazing. That's my God journey. Tp know that God will always take care of me and I need to LET GO AND LET GOD. . . Why is it so hard to release something that you've never had. What is it. Why is it so easy for me to still be angry with the way my children live or how somethings that they have said to me still hurt. Why cant i shake these feelings. WHY?Who am I ? I am a child of the MOST HIGH, the KING of KINGS, I'm one of HIS children and I have to believe with my whole heart that GOD will take care of me. Each step of my existence has been a true steeping stone and I'm still climbing. The past is the past. I have to look at it , learn from it and move on. The present is now and what I do now will effect the future, so tread lightly. I feel my strength coming back in my body. Today I'm up and I'm ready to move on. Whatever I have to do I'm going to try to get it done. I have to remember that Rome was not built in a day, so do what's needed and if it's all not finished it's not the end of the world. Each second is so precious. We have an amazing temple. It can heal itself, it's vibrant, it's in our Father's imagine and yet we abuse our temple. We tear it down by not giving it the right food and the right things that it needs to strive. God has given us so much. He set up our existence He provided us with everything we could ever ask for, and some. Yet as always we want what looks best in the store window next to ours. I guess I've never really fully trusted anyone, and the reason why I say that is because I'm always trying to make sure that I control the situation and that if I'm in control then I no it will be done. That's not trust, so I need to be stripped down and let God into me. I mean truly into me.I have to surrender to HIM! What happened to Penn and I. I do remember how jealous I felt at the funeral, and how I was there amongst his friends and my insecurities and low self-esteem made me feel unwanted. I couldn't stand that feeling of rejection and God knows I didn't want to start that fight with his mom there I do regret that ever happening. I'm sorry she had to see that. Her son his a great guy and I hope she doesn't think any less of him. after that things changed so much that I really can't remember all of the events. Did I suppress everything or was it not important to remember? The older I get the more vocabulary test I take. My Charles always corrects me when I'm mispronouncing a word. I know pronunciation is important. I have to keep my brain alive. So I have to begin feeding it new things and doing new things.  First I have to release myself from the past. Wait, here I go again. First I must pray and asked God to guide me through this journey and what ever He has for me to do I will trust Him and do it. I have to stop and listen to what He is telling me. That's what I have to do first! Thank you God for this time and being with you. Until Tomorrow . . .

Afternoon Pages 41114

It's been awhile, but I finally ventured out this week. First to the Post Office and then I went to Karen's.   I didn't take my tools or equipment because I was strong enough to sew.

Evening Pages 41014

I finally checked my phone messages. The doctor left a message bout my blood work results. My potassium is low.

Late Morning Pages 4914

Today is Jasmine's birthday.

Morning Pages 4814

Why am I feeling this way? I felt great on Sunday and I woke up okay on Monday, but then it happened. I felt hot and then cold.

Evening Pages 4714

Not a good beginning

Morning Pages 4614

Slept late. Now I'm trying to blog and get in the shower. I had to start blogging so I won't miss writing this day. Everything is alright. There's nothing too hard fro my God. He's blessing me and my family. I thank Him for his goodness and mercies.

Morning Pages 4514

I woke up early went to the bathroom and then back to bed. I was only going to sleep for another hour but I slept for two. I got up and decided to try the new four patch technique. It does work. I just have to make sure I have a square to begin with. I've made several blocks with my charm pack; only to realize that the charm pack was not cut evenly. Today is a great day! I'm feeling good. I have several things to do, but I'm not rushing to do it. I will get to it and make sure it's complete by tonight. I have church tomorrow and I want to have the anniversary banner ready, so it can be hung up. My sister got up and did her chores. I even sent her her downstairs to get her clothes out of the dryer. She's capable of doing minimal things, and I have to make sure she does. Listening to her as she watches television; she's seen all of the movies and she comments constantly as she watches them. Thank you Lord for the little things that I take for granted. Thank you for all the blessings that you send my way. The parking space when I need it. The phone call from a love one when I'm thinking about them. Thank you God for all You do for me. My pray today is a thank you for how you watch over all my family and friends. I ask Father that you touch Auntie and give her back her health. Make her stronger each day, so that she doesn't have to take so much medication. I thank you for WP2's growth and I know you will continue to bring him through. I pray that soon he will begin eating solid foods, so he can be taken off the G-tube. You are majestic and merciful and I thank you for that. I pray that you keep a hedge of protection around my nephews while they are away from the family and that their time be shorten so they can come home to their families. Everyday is a gift, so open it up and use it. Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 4414

Today is Charles Edward's birthday. A very hard working and committed man to his children; even though they are adults. I've always seen him as a no nonsense type of person who would help you if he can, but don't try to take advantage of his kindness. This is his sixty-ninth birthday. He's a very simple man so I hope he has a great birthday. I have no list made, but I do have some things that I want to complete today. I asked Good to get me through this day and I'm praying that what ever I do I do it decently and in order. I had all four grandsons over yesterday. I need more room for them to play. The living room area is getting too small because they are getting too big. They are all growing up. WP2 has grown a lot and hangs right in there with the guys. In fact sometimes he's too rough,  LOL. I think about Penn a lot but I know he's not thinking about me. How does that saying go?,  "you don't miss the water till the well runs dry." I can't think of the other one. I have to let go. I know he's moved on so many times. The only reason why he even spoke to me at all was because he was asking me about our son Charles. Otherwise he would not have said a word to me. In fact I was he total shock when he started the conversation. This occurred at KZ2's birthday party. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Thank you Lord for this day! May I open this gift up and use it to the fullest. Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 4314

Up early, this is my busy day. I have back to back things to do. I'm picking up my grandsons from school and the babysitter. I'm praying that God will see me through today. I'm praying that things will go well. This is the first Thursday and I don't have anything scheduled that's why I'm watching the boys. I went on another eating frenzy. I had candy, cookies, and ice cream last night. I stayed up watching movies that I recorded. I didn't go to bed until two o'clock. I haven't the foggiest idea what was wrong with me. I do know I can do better. To know better is to do better. That's what I have to strive for. Doing better! Becoming what God wants me to be. I know that God has a lot of changes to make in me. Am I willing; Yes! Have I let go No! I'm still going forward. I have to see it through. My prayers are for all of my family and friends, but especially my family. We are all getting older and things are changing in our bodies. I pray that God will keep us safe and bring us through any and all hardships that we may endure. He knows each thought and each person that I'm praying for. He knows their individual circumstances. From the youngest to the oldest He knows. I will TRUST HIM! I will let HIM guide me through this journey of life. I THANK GOD for HIS many BLESSINGS! Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 4214

I Can't See Clearly Yet! I know one day all the little things that I sweated will be meaningless. I haven't gotten to that stage yet where I can see that everything that I've experienced was a lesson to be learned. It was suppose to be. I can hear my sister Rose saying "what's going to come up out of this, what lesson is God trying to teach me?" She always looked at each experience in her life as a lesson that she had to learn or was suppose to learn. It's so true! It's how we receive each and every experience. It's how we look at are situations. I'm always complaining about how this one didn't do this or what my mom should be doing? And the truth of the matter is I have to accept her for who she is and what she does. And if she wants to not do anything then that's her choice. I tell myself not to let everything or every little thing bother me but I do, and I know why. I'm always trying to be in control of my situations and my children's situations. Right now I was thinking about my son Will. He said he had choir rehearsal tonight. I am going to step into his business and see if choir rehearsal will be cancelled because of our Lenten services. See, that's should not be any concern of mine but it is. I'm so worried about my family making mistakes of getting in a jam that I think I can control the outcome. Wrong! This is a BIG problem that I have and I have to work on changing it. My journey and experiences are what I have to look back on and see what lesson was I suppose to learn and take with me or leave behind before I moved to the next level in my life. I slept late today but I up now and blogging. I'm going to get ready because I have to complete what i didn't finish yesterday. The pharmacy and bank and then I will be ready for the quilters today.

Evening Pages 4114

Today is April Fool's Day. I didn't have any jokes played on me; Oh, yes I forgot WP1 fooled me twice. This was a busy day so all that I didn't finish today I will do tomorrow. I thank God that I was able to do what I did. It's that time of year and my sister is getting frustrated with herself. I know it's hard to have to do for someone who doesn't want to try and do things for themselves. It's very hard to watch this day in and day out, and how our mom fools herself by saying she's going to do this and that and she never does. I know I should not judge her because I do the same thing. I just pray that my mom makes the necessary changes needed to keep her quality of life good. It's never going to be where it should be but it's not where it was.

Morning Pages 33114

Wow! this is the last day of March. I have gone through another month. I feel as though nothing was changed. I took two steps forward only to go back three. I have not put my trust in God. I'm still trying to work it out all by myself, and that's why it's not working. I've approached this life of my thinking that I could do it all by myself and I can't. God has to come first and I have to surrender. I have to let go and let God run my ship. I haven't done this. That's why sometimes things get all screwed up because I jump instead of waiting. I am always afraid of the bad I don't give it time for the good. I must step out on faith. I've seen God's miracles and works, so it's past time for me. I have to release my hold on myself and watch the changes that God will bring. I want to be better not bigger. Thank you God for each gift you have given me even when I didn't deserve it. Until tomorrow . . . Another day to get it right!

Morning Pages 33014

I wake up to see the ceiling fan going in the bedroom where my sister sleeps. I asked her why the fan was on, and why did she turn the light off that way. She told me she always turn it off like that. I just don't understand what happens to her because she doesn't turn it off by pulling he string she has always turned it off from the wall switch. Then when I asked her why she's staring at me with this perplexing look. I just don't get it! The I have to stop myself and let it go. It's not important enough to get upset. She's a case that will never been understood. I had several weird dreams none that I can really remember, but the were sexual. Something that I desire from time to time. I have a nasty blister on my lip. I really don't want to be seen out in public with it but I have to go and do what I have to do. Off to church today; Missionary Sunday. I volunteered to read scripture. I also usher today. We have a guest preacher so I better get ready and be on time. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 32914

I have to stop eating. I mean binge eating. I'm a mad woman! Why am I doing this to myself? I am financially strapped. I have no way out, but to stop spending. I'm going on a trip that I really can't afford to go on. Was I being reasonable when I said yes. Did I really pray about it ? What was I thinking or maybe that's the problem I wasn't thinking. I'm such a oomph. What ever that is. I have bills up the kazoo; my choice. I made them and now I'm slowly sinking in the quicksand of paying them. I have to stop! How do you do it? I know you can't cry over spelt milk; what's done is done. Am I being redundant. This year I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted to send several family members some money. I am determined to make it happen. I started this month and next month I have two more people to send money to; my mom being one of them.

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Wow, this month is moving right on out. I have to figure out how I'm going to swing this. I have to have a certain amount of money for my trip. Maybe I jumped too quickly by saying yes, and should have waited until June. Who Knows? Only the good Lord does and I feel that it's okay and everything will be alright. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I really want to enjoy myself so I am trying to make sure that I have everything prepared and done. Especially the church bulletins, and the anniversary banner. So next week I have to print out and make two banners. I also have to prepared for a lesson in continuous binding for the seniors on the tenth of April. I have to remember to send Linda a birthday card. And while I'm doing all of that I have to pack and be ready for my trip. I have to get my sister ready and take her to my other sister in Elizabeth. So much to o and yet it's not a lot to do. I bought a couple of things yesterday and I have to take them back and up the sizes. As I'm blogging I notice that I left crumbs on the counter last night. I had a nerve to make a sandwich before I went to bed. I ate it while I was talking to Aunt Tunie about registering online for the trip. She's excited and I'm glad to be taking this trip with her. I know she and Uncle Jerry go all the time so I hope this will be a very rewarding time for her. I have to make sure I tell the doctor about my trip so she can give me or tell me what to get just in case I get motion sickness. I'm praying that that will not happen. I have to remember not to put it out into the atmosphere. As I get closer to the trip I'm going to color my hair. I want to take my sister to get her hair done before I leave. I think I will wash it tonight and fix it back into the style that I did for Sunday. We are going to celebrate my daughter-in-law's birthday. She's some kind of woman. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 32714

We are off to see the dentist. Another day another dollar. I spent money again yesterday. I don't have it. I'm getting ready for my trip and what am I doing? Spending! Day four of my countdown. So far the only thing that I have done was take mommy to the doctor. Oh, I forgot we didn't even do that. The elevator wasn't working, and she can't walk down the stairs. Tomorrow I prepare for Saturday's marathon. Rose is going to have Fee with her. I didn't want to bombard Debbie. I have to send the state money for taxes. i have to do better. I have to put money aside so I can be assured that I will have it when next tax time comes. Something has to give. It's me that has to give . . . I've decided to work on my quilts and try to sell them. I have made some beautiful tops; at least I think they are beautiful. I'm going to tie them, envelope them, and bind them. I need to get all twenty finished. I'm still making tops, so I have to get ride of some of them. Besides I have several children I want to give them to.

Afternoon Pages 32614

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to keep Sapphire. When she gets upset she urinates on the bathroom floor. It's been awhile since she's done it, but today I wasn't in the mood for it. I got up early because it was doctor day for mommy. There's always something crazy thrown in the wheel. The elevator wasn't working, so I had to cancel her appointments. Now it's time to reschedule. Again, another month of doctor visits. I guess we will always have to go. At least every three months for her and hopefully every six months for Fajer.

Morning Pages 32514

I can be so fickle at time, especially when I start second guessing myself. I know the answer, so why do I feel unsure about it. I've read the information, so why can't I follow it the first time? Why do I think I'm going to make a mistake, and then I do? I know why because I lack confidence in myself, no matter how old I get I still think I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but that's how I feel. I get scared. I  have always thought I needed a boost to get me started but I know and I've know for quite sometime that that was my insecurities about me. My low-self-esteem. I know I am capable of many things. I intelligent, bright, witty, and beautiful inside and out, but I have allowed my thoughts to tell me other wise. I have felt this way all my life. I spoke to two people concerning my taxes; whether I have to mail in the hard copies after I e-filed my taxes. That word in itself tells you how fickle I am. E-File! Which means electronic filing; it's going through the computer. Why did I think I didn't know the answer to my question? I worked myself into not knowing and the answer was right in front of me. This is the kind of craziness that I do. Unsure of me! I've decided to go on a trip (cruise) with my Aunt Tunie. I'm glad I said yes, and then comes in the doubt. I conjure up all kinds of thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't do this because I have to do that. I think I've done this to myself all my life; not being sure, not stepping out on FAITH. I am still trying to control my situation and others until I can't see the forest for the trees. How do I begin to change something that I have done for fifty plus years. How to rewire your brain to do something else. How do you build confidence and trust within yourself at this late stage of life? How? I also find myself procrastinating because I'm unsure of things or not knowing where to begin. So what do I do. I avoid doing that thing until I feel confident in doing it. Sounds a little far fetch but that's me! I was asked out to dinner yesterday and I felt good about going and then all of a sudden I had a reason for not going; besides the time, I was going to wash my clothes. Now, here's the clincher. I didn't wash my clothes. I stalled, I don't really remember what I did, but I know the clothes didn't get washed. But, on the other hand or flip side, I did clean the kitchen LOL. I'm up blogging and feeling good. I have to move forward today. I have to prepare for my trip. I have to make sure my sister is set. I want to work on the two lap quilts so I can make a little money. I'm not going to charge her a lot. That's another thing I'm always underselling myself. I'm never charging what I'm worth or what it's worth. I put a lot into what I do and sometimes I do rush it, but I feel my skills are up to par. I have to get started with my day. Thank God for this new gift, so I better open it and use it to the fullest. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Afternoon Pages 32414

I'm so afraid to take a chance. I'm always scared that something isn't going to go right and then I can't fix it. I have a great opportunity to go on a cruise and I was happy but scared and afraid to even say yes. I think that I'm the only one who can do things and get them done correctly but that's not true. So I'm going. Now I have to get things in order and I have twenty-three days to get t done. Last night I was compelled to get my taxes done, so I went to Turbo Tax and did it. I was going to try the free version, but I decided to pay. Of course I owe the state again. I have to have money taken out so I won't have to pay so much at the end. I have to calculate this money. I'm in a very very bad pinch, but I'm going to take this trip and work on getting back on track. Lord I pray that I'm not doing the wrong thing. That's all I keep thinking about. I have to give it to God and forget about it.  

Morning Pages 32314

Good Morning World! I feel better, but now the cough is back. I better do what Penn said and clean everything around me and take a shower before I go to bed. I coughed and coughed and leaked and leaked. It was terrible. I have a great opportunity to go on a cruise and I feel like I can't go like I have to be here to do the bills and take care of my sister. I have to let go and get everything situated so I can go. Yes, I'm scared! Scared of what; I don't know! But I would love to go and I am going to do it. I'm not going to be crazy but I have to take this offer. It may never come again. It's a blessing and I can't let this go. I will get ready for it and DO IT!! Now is the time for me to prepare and plan. To get it all together. I still have to do my taxes and time is winding down or up which ever way it is. I have to do it now! Can't blog much this morning have to get ready for church. THANK YOU GOD FOR THE MANY BLESSINGS YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME AND MY FAMILY!!

Afternoon Pages 32214

Ate some popcorn and it didn't agree with my stomach. I felt like I had to vomit but I couldn't. Out of the blue I got sick. I went to the bathroom several times.

Morning Pages 32114

I ate like a PIG last night and stayed up watching Mildred Pierce until three forty-five. I went to bed and slept until eight forty. Got up and started blogging. I feel like my period is coming. I'm eating and eating and it doesn't feel like comfort food. I'm just on overload. Help! I need to stop. I tell my mom she needs to eat right and exercise. Who am I to tell her what I'm not doing? Now my right arm is aching again. I have to get in touch with Tiff and see what time the boys are coming. I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I have to pick up WP1 from school. Yes, he went back today. I pray he get through the day. He has so much to catch up on but I know he will do it. Lord, I thank you for this day and I pray and ask You to touch WP2's body and heal what ever is causing him to throw up.

Morning Pages 32014

Your plans are not His plans. They are not God's plans. Who knows what he has in store for us this week; I mean for Will, his family and me. It seems as though what I had planned or what Will had planned didn't manifest. The children; my grandchildren got sick. WP1 has some kind of stomach virus, so he's been home since Tuesday. And as of Wednesday WP2 has similar symptoms. So this requires you to change your plans. I helped as much as possible; glad to be of service. But now my plans too have changed. I know it frustrates Will to no end. We have to stay prayed up and let God guide us. It's hard to do but It has to be done. Yesterday I tried to stand an egg up, but it wouldn't stand. Penn and Tiffanie were able to get theirs to stay up. I don't know why mine didn't. It's said that on the Vernal Equinox and egg can stand up. I have to get ready for the doctors. Taking my mom this morning. Thank God we are going to the same place for both the doctor and the dentist. We have a full house. WP1 is with me this morning; again plans change. The best plans can be made but not necessarily carried out. I'm all over the place. Moving about instead of sitting still and writing. I'm constantly thing about what's next so I'm not late for mom.  

Morning Pages 31914

I cancelled my doctor's appointment so I could keep my youngest grandson. At first, I was going to take him with me, and then I realized it wouldn't work. I could vision him not cooperating with me, so I cancelled it. I've even given up my Avon Ave School session today. I haven't been in two weeks. I have to get back on track and do what I do for me or what I enjoy being a part of. I can't give up everything I do. This week is not my week. That's what happens. You may have things planned or at least you have your daily routine and something else comes along and changes it. I have to take my recycle things to the recycle place. I should have done it last week, but I put it off. Now I have to wait until Friday.

Morning Pages 31814

Up early, waiting for William to come; Will's dropping him off this morning. I'm so thankful to my God for making me available to help my children with their children. I'm thankful that I am healthy enough to take care of them. I'm thankful that God opens doors and makes a way out of no way. At least we don't see it until He makes it happen. I'm just so thankful for Him. I went to the doctor because my cough was getting worse. I'm thankful that it's not that bad. I am still coughing but I have some medicine to help calm it. Yesterday, by default I started looking at some old pictures of my children. I got a little nostalgic and began pulling out old family pictures. I started texting pictures to my sons and their dad. Just looking at them brought back so many memories, memories I had forgotten about. I smiled, laughed, and even felt like crying; but I didn't. Looking at the pictures brought me so much pleasure. It's always nice to look back at the past as long as you don't stay there. I am going to view the pictures again and I will keep some and give some to my children and grandchildren.

Morning Pages 31714

I'm up! Happy St. Patrick's Day. I had such a crazy dream. Most of the adults on the bus were my former colleagues. I don't know where we were going or why, but it was a crazy dream. Then we were off the bus and just waiting in this room. There was a piano there and music began to play. No one was playing the piano, but it seemed to be playing gospel music. Someone in the crowd asked if the music could be turned off. I was enjoying it. So I pulled the MP3 player out of the electrical socket. It was such a weird dream. Then Mr. D. ; one of my colleagues started talking about the job. I asked Mrs. M. to tell him to stop talking and be quiet. He said he didn't care if anyone heard him. So I didn't say anything else to him. After that it became silent in the room. I looked over to my right and Mr. D. was sitting next to me apologizing about his comments.  I didn't really respond to him because he knew he was wrong. Such a weird dream. Several hours went by and then some people came in and began setting up the room for dinner. Why were we here I don't know? Crazy Dream! I have to get ready. I really need to go to the doctor. This cough of mine is taking me through the wringer. Need it to stop! My morning pages are very short today. Maybe I'll write some more later.

Morning Pages 31614

Wow! I'm up earlier than ever on a Sunday.  My phone rang, it was Linda. We are still trying to decide on a restaurant to take Rev. Jeanette to. For the life of me I can't think of one. I don't want to go all over the place but  would like for it to be nice and have good food. Anyway, I'm up and getting ready for service, but first I write. I'm sitting here thinking about what to write. As they say thinking about thinking. I still have a bad cough. I did take some OTC medicine to help. I think it helped! Anyway, I'm still coughing; not as much. I watched 'Til Debt Do Us Part. It's interesting how this financial planner comes in and assist people with their finances to get them out of debt. I really have to take heed and come to grips with my own debt. I am almost back up to forty thousand dollars in debt; not including two of Charles' school loans. I have to take the bull by the horns and correct this as soon as possible. I keep saying to myself "this month I'll make changes," but I find another excuse not to start. As my one of my sons told me, "I can't help you." He's right, I have to help myself. I have to get my cash only system back and breakdown exactly what I have to spend for the month. When I retired I started out doing this and then I got the BIG credit card and all HELL broke loose. I took care of everything and everyone; twenty thousand dollars later, I am paying for it now. Okay, that's just one of life's problems. I felt some sort of way when I text Bill for his sister's phone no. and he said he couldn't send it to me because he was driving. All of a sudden I started wondering where he was driving too. None of my business I know, but I felt some sort of way because I wanted to know. Shame, shame on me. Let it go! I'm still the same nothing has changed. Everyone and everything as moved on but I haven't; although I say I have. It's time to wake up my sister and let her take her shower so we can get ready. I'm not sure what she's wearing to church I'll look for something while she's showering. We go through so many changes in our life and yet we go through none. Everything must change nothing stays the same. That song goes through my head. Change is scary, and depending on the change it can be detrimental to your health. I didn't like it when I got stuck with my sister, and at times I still don't like it. That was one of my changes. My friend is getting ready to make a big change in her life. She's moving away and leaving her youngest adult child here in Jersey. It's hard for her and I may not have all of her feelings about it, but I can imagine how she feels. I thought I my change as a season. God takes us through seasons. He determines how long your season is; that change that comes into your life.. When I retired and my mom got sick and I had my sister it was and is my season. Even the people He brings into your life come and go because it was a season that they were suppose to be their. They can be good or bad it doesn't matter. What matters is that they were their for a reason. What ever the lesson He sent and hopefully you received was your season with them. Only He knows how long this season will run. This change that Rev. Jeanette is about to embark on is her new season. Only God knows how long this season will be for her. He is the author and finisher of our lives. I do thank God each and everyday for all that he does for me and my family and friends.  Enough said . . . as per Mr. Tobe, Until Tomorrow . . . Thank God for another beautiful day!

Evening Pages 31514

This post is beyond morning. This is what happens when I don't stick to my some what plan. I lose track of time and forget to write my pages.  

Morning Pages 31414

Up very early! I have to get ready for my grandson. I had a weird and unrestful sleep last night. I was up most of the night going to the bathroom. The more it seems like the cough goes away the more it comes back with a vengeance. Then I have a dream about Penn. Of course I wanted him, but that's not even what the dream was about. He was trying to catch this young man. He was trying to restrain him. The young man kept running. Finally, Penn came to my house and just walked in. I asked him what was going on and he told me he had to catch this young man. I asked him why and then the truth came out. This was his son, and the worse part was that it was by his dead brother's wife. Mind you it was while his brother was alive. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset and I was trying to figure out when this happened. I tell you this is what I spent my time worrying about instead of sleeping. I don't have the foggiest idea why this was in my head or my dream. Once again, I'm thinking about Penn. He doesn't want me yet I keep thinking about him. I hope he's okay. I'm still spending money or I should say I'm still using someone else's money that I have to pay back sooner or later. That's how this country makes money;interest! That's the name of the game in our capitalistic nation. I was asked to help with ordering the food for the food pantry. I never gave an answer. I don't want to do it. I realize it only requires you to go online and place the order, but I know that's not all I would have to do. I've been avoiding this issue. Then because of who I am I will feel guilty if I don't do it. I really want to go and visit my sister in Omaha, and I will. I'm determined to do two things this year. Go back to Virginia and then to Omaha. I have to get my car in tip top shape and then I'll be able to do this. I guess I'll have to take my sister with me. I've been eating like I'm crazy. Every time I get annoyed with something or someone I find comfort in eating. It's getting bad. I've put on so much weight. I have a doctor's appointment and I'm really afraid of what the scale will say. I am ashamed of myself yet I don't stop. What's that all about? I find myself still going in circles. I want to make changes in my lie and I do but I'm still not consistent. A change is going to come! I have no choice. sometimes I think I'm ADD. I can't seem to stay focused on one thing. I have to be all over the place. Almost like I have to be in everything or doing something at all times. This is not true. I need to stay back and let others do. I always seem to cripple people. I want to teach them how to fish, but at times I wind up fishing for them. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .  Thank God for this day!

Morning Pages 31314

Off to the doctors, mom has to have blood work and dental today. I got up late as usual, but I'm on my way to pick her up and start a day of mom.

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Got up late, but made it on time to take mommy to the doctor. Her blood pressure was much better today. She has to go back for a breath test on the 26th. Then we went to pick up her reading glasses. She was very tired but we got through the day. We stopped at KFC for lunch. I'm not going to quilt today. I want to get some rest. I'm a little tired. I have a cold and when I cough I'm leaking.

Morning Pages 31114

I had a dental appointment this morning and I cancelled it, or at least I tried to cancel it. The office was closed at 7:30 am. I called back at 8:00 am and it was still no answer. No live voice at least. I got scared. I'm not feeling well, so I let that be my excuse. I'm just a mess. I cough too hard and leak on myself. I thought by taking a vitamin B complex everyday would supplement what I may be missing, but since I've been taking the pills I feel worse. I've been drinking lemon water, hoping that the extra vitamin c would do me some good. Instead I feel worse. I'm not sure what's going on inside of me. Maybe I need to detox and then introduce new foods and supplements to my body, and do it one thing at a time. Then I would know what's working and what's not. I had a dream about working, Rev. Jeanette, and colleagues and students. I guess this is my withdrawal time of year. I guess I should be working and I'm not. I have no desire to work right now. I could use the additional money but I haven't looked for work. My life is sufficiently obligated. I have spent out! I am depending on other funds to get me through the month. This has to change. I went to a luncheon on Sat. I felt good. Had a good time. I felt excluded when my friends were talking amongst themselves about what they were going to do at the end of the school year. I am so noisy. I think I have to know everything that's going on. I want to be apart of it. This sounds ridiculous. I don't know why I feel this way. That's my biggest problem. I don't have to try to do everything. I don't have to know what's going on. I wasn't even thought of. I saw my friend and asked her about the luncheon. she had forgotten all about me, and that's okay. Out of sight out of mind. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that's how I see it. Communication isn't one of my strong points. This is really pitiful. I've called the dental office to cancel and reschedule and no one is answering the phone. They can't be that crowded that they can't stop and answer. I'll try after 9:00. I'm going to mail Ana's hat and scarf to her. I also want to send her the sewing machine. I think I will purchase another one and send it from there to her. I don't want to disappoint her. She's ready to sew now. It's the ideal age. I just wish she had someone to help her. I guess Mema can do it with her. My sister is awake but instead of getting out of bed she's laying there waiting for me to tell her to get up. I should have man up and went to the dentist. Chicken is my middle name but I know I have to go sooner than later. That's why I'm trying to get another appointment. Enough said . . .  Until tomorrow . . . Thank God for this day!

Morning Pages 31014

Today's is Shooby's birthday. I have to text her and then call her later. I think she's working today. I know she went out to dinner for her birthday last night. I'm up early. WP2 is here with me today. I enjoy watching all of my grandsons. He's really growing up and doing much better God is so good to our family. I know he still has a road to travel and many hills to climb, but we are taking it one step at a time. Two minutes before he I have to give him his medicine. I am still having dry mouth; not as bad but still there. I have a cold or symptoms that have me coughing like I'm crazy, leaky bladder, and blowing my nose. Have I gone to the doctors yet, of course not! I take care of everyone else then myself. I'm going to have to change that order. Me first or else no one else is taken care of. Break! medicine time! Did that finished he's still asleep and I can continue my writing. I tell you! curiosity killed the cat. I have a cat or should I say I inherited a cat from my son. He went through this animal kick and decided he wanted to have pets. His, now wife had a dog and believe it or not he had three cats; maybe not all three at one time but he did have three. When WP2 was born they decided to get rid of the animals; for whatever reason. Any who, they were looking for a good home for their pets. I told him I would take Sapphire. She's only a kitten. I think it's going on three years now. I'm not too sure about the time, but she's a rambunctious kitten growing into a rambunctious cat. She gets into everything. I know why they say curiosity killed the cat because one day she's going to mess with something and die. It's as simple as that. I don't know how she finds things but she does. So I have her and love her to death. The grandsons love her too. They are always trying to catch her and rub her and hug her, but she's not having that so she hinds most of the time when they visit. Yesterday I went with Karen to a Quilt Show. I always enjoy going to the shows. It gives me incentive to try new things. There was even a modern quilt section at the show. Their quilts were interesting. I really likes Jess' quilt. Quilters are so creative. some of the quilts were extraordinary. Just looking at the quilts tells you how much time and work goes into them. The fine stitching and intricate details is tremendous. They are truly works of art. It's time for me to decide on what I want to do and begin doing it. I know that I still have to help with my mom, but I'm ready to explore my horizons. I am going to pray about everything I do. I need God to direct my path and my journey. First, and foremost I thank Him for each and everyday that he gives me. It was so good to see CJ. I forgot she was going to be at the luncheon, so it was a nice surprise. I thank you God for the people you send to me or the people I meet as I travel on this journey. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Afternoon Morning Pages 3914

I didn't forget about daylight savings time. I knew it was springing forward, but I still overslept. I was so worried about not being on time that I didn't get to the seniors. Karen came to pick me up. The seniors were suppose to go with us but they didn't go; only Karen's mom went. I spent some money or I used the charge card again. It's time for me to put the cards away. I have to get things together. I need to   work on my planning again.

Morning Pages 3814

I went to bed earlier than I have in a long time. I even got up at 7:50 to day. I started working on the programs for church. I printed out some envelopes too. I have a luncheon to attend today and I'm going to leave my sister alone for three hours. I really don't like leaving her too often, but I'm going to today. I pray when I leave her alone. I used a trick that I learned from a psychologist. It helps you to fall asleep. I have to try it again to see if it really works. It's a mini-meditation. You focus on five things that you can see, then five things that you can smell, and so on until you have focused on all five senses. You keep cycling through the senses. If you wander off you just come back. Again, I found this on Late Night Quilter's blog.

Late Morning Pages 3714

I chose to sleep late today. Although I had made all these plans. I didn't write them down but I knew what I was going to do today. I have to mail two birthday cards off today, and I have to get money out of the bank. I also have the programs to print for church. I knew this but I didn't care to rush today. For one moment last night I slept like a baby. I tried a technique that I read about on The Late Night Quilters blog. She's a psychologist. Anyway, she said to think about five things that you can see and then move on to the other senses until you finish all of the five senses. I did this, but I kept getting stuck on five things that you can feel. She said if you lose your focus than refocus and keep going. I tell you no lie. I went to sleep and didn't even realize I had dozed off. It was a good sleep. I was dreaming. I was sleeping. I have to try this again tonight. I get so annoyed with my mom. I know I shouldn't because she is so stuck in her ways that she can only change it. I am thankful for this day and I'm going to enjoy it. Enough said . . . Thank God for this day!

Morning Pages 3614

Stayed up late. I watched Alex Cross, and then I went to bed. I couldn't sleep. Got back up and ate two clementines. Then I had to go to the bathroom several times because I drank a lot of water. I finally laid down and went off to la la land. I dreamt about Penn. I dreamt about being with him intimately. I also dreamt about Marie. I haven't seen her in a long time. She stopped coming to church. In my dream she was so resentful and she was trying to hurt me. She was trying to hurt Penn. Penn went fishing but he wasn't prepared for it and got hurt. The waves were too rough. He was properly secured in the boat. Then my dream changed because I managed to escape from Marie and the other men who were trying to hurt me. Now I was being chased by Penn, Will, and Charles or I should say they were trying to find me. I was trying to get to Michelle Alexander. I missed her housewarming party and I had to get a gift to her. I bought a card and I had something else to give her but I don't remember what it was. Any who, as Michelle would say. I didn't like what I was giving her so I went to buy something else, that's when another man came up to me and hugged me. At that same time Penn, Will, and Charles were entering into the store. I don't remember who the other man was. What does it all mean? Who knows? I woke up with a slight headache. I have been having dry mouth every night throughout the morning. I can feel it as I sleep. My tongue is so course; like sandpaper. What's going on inside my body. I have a doctor's appointment on the nineteenth of March. I will definitely be keeping it. Although I'm so ashamed of the weight I've gained, but I have to go. I'm feeling strange. I see intimacy and I want it. i want to be held and caressed and touched all over my body. I want to be whispered to. I I I that's all this is about. It's about what I want and need. My private areas are dying. No life there anymore. It's drying up. Hasn't been used in so long. I'm a ** year old virgin. I NEED INTIMACY! I want to try to open up and be loved. I want to work on communicating with someone other than my sisters and friends. I feel like I'm drowning. My apartment is starting to grow again. I have stuff everywhere. I have to de-clutter my apartment so my life can be de-cluttered and free. Today is a gift so open it up and use it. Until tomorrow . . .