Morning Pages 91914

Woke up at 6:00 this morning. So many thoughts going through my head. I keep thinking about Penn; only because the closer I think he's trying to get back to me. The farther he's moving away from me. I have to stop reading more into our conversations. I get angry with myself for not letting go. Although I tell myself that I have. I do love and care about Penn. I pray constantly about God putting us back together; that's if it's suppose to be. Only God knows what our future is as a couple. I was thinking about my adult children and how I'm always holding on to them and trying at times to control their lives. I get angry with helping my mom and even having my sister, and then I look at myself and how God has kept me. I am so compulsive and I have to be still and not try to fix everything. I am always trying to keep things in my control. If I let Go and Let God be in charge of my life I know all things are possible. I haven't quilted in weeks. I haven't completed projects that I have in my head or started. I know this isn't going to happen unless I let go and start. Don't make excuses! Don't blame anyone but myself! I thank God for the joy that He's given me with my Penn, my children, my friends, my family, my crafts, and now my grandchildren. I am so thankful for all these things. I am happy with the baby steps that I've made, and now I know I have to drop off all the layers and start new. I have to release these thoughts and I have to let God slowly put on new layers. I have to leave the old at the alter. I was angry with Penn but it wasn't all his fault. I have made many mistakes but I can't continue to look at the past or hold on to the past. I have to move forward. I want LOVE, compassion, companionship, happiness. But first I have to LOVE myself.