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I chose to sleep late today. Although I had made all these plans. I didn't write them down but I knew what I was going to do today. I have to mail two birthday cards off today, and I have to get money out of the bank. I also have the programs to print for church. I knew this but I didn't care to rush today. For one moment last night I slept like a baby. I tried a technique that I read about on The Late Night Quilters blog. She's a psychologist. Anyway, she said to think about five things that you can see and then move on to the other senses until you finish all of the five senses. I did this, but I kept getting stuck on five things that you can feel. She said if you lose your focus than refocus and keep going. I tell you no lie. I went to sleep and didn't even realize I had dozed off. It was a good sleep. I was dreaming. I was sleeping. I have to try this again tonight. I get so annoyed with my mom. I know I shouldn't because she is so stuck in her ways that she can only change it. I am thankful for this day and I'm going to enjoy it. Enough said . . . Thank God for this day!

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Stayed up late. I watched Alex Cross, and then I went to bed. I couldn't sleep. Got back up and ate two clementines. Then I had to go to the bathroom several times because I drank a lot of water. I finally laid down and went off to la la land. I dreamt about Penn. I dreamt about being with him intimately. I also dreamt about Marie. I haven't seen her in a long time. She stopped coming to church. In my dream she was so resentful and she was trying to hurt me. She was trying to hurt Penn. Penn went fishing but he wasn't prepared for it and got hurt. The waves were too rough. He was properly secured in the boat. Then my dream changed because I managed to escape from Marie and the other men who were trying to hurt me. Now I was being chased by Penn, Will, and Charles or I should say they were trying to find me. I was trying to get to Michelle Alexander. I missed her housewarming party and I had to get a gift to her. I bought a card and I had something else to give her but I don't remember what it was. Any who, as Michelle would say. I didn't like what I was giving her so I went to buy something else, that's when another man came up to me and hugged me. At that same time Penn, Will, and Charles were entering into the store. I don't remember who the other man was. What does it all mean? Who knows? I woke up with a slight headache. I have been having dry mouth every night throughout the morning. I can feel it as I sleep. My tongue is so course; like sandpaper. What's going on inside my body. I have a doctor's appointment on the nineteenth of March. I will definitely be keeping it. Although I'm so ashamed of the weight I've gained, but I have to go. I'm feeling strange. I see intimacy and I want it. i want to be held and caressed and touched all over my body. I want to be whispered to. I I I that's all this is about. It's about what I want and need. My private areas are dying. No life there anymore. It's drying up. Hasn't been used in so long. I'm a ** year old virgin. I NEED INTIMACY! I want to try to open up and be loved. I want to work on communicating with someone other than my sisters and friends. I feel like I'm drowning. My apartment is starting to grow again. I have stuff everywhere. I have to de-clutter my apartment so my life can be de-cluttered and free. Today is a gift so open it up and use it. Until tomorrow . . .

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Time is going by so fast we are in our Lenten season. Today is Ash Wednesday. I haven't gone to an Ash Wednesday service in a long time. I was thinking about attending today after I finish with the students at Avon Ave. School. I finally cleaned off my calendars and started adding my to do list for March. I'm not sure what I have to do this Saturday, but my thoughts keep saying that I have forgotten something. I got up a little earlier today and I'm determined to get started on some of the things that have to be done; especially the laundry. It's piling up again. I constantly have dreams about school and teaching. Did I prematurely retire. I haven't gotten the classroom out of my system. I started taking vitamin B complex tablets as a supplement for what ever I think I might be missing in the B area, but now I've gotten a cold or symptoms of a cold. I also used some old essence of oils that I had and now I've broken out with small rashes on my body. What's going on!? I haven't the foggiest. I paid the rent yesterday. It's not late but I really try to pay it by the first of the month. I didn't turn on the television. It's best to keep it off while I'm writing. I've been drinking lemon water. It's suppose to be warm, but I always drink it cold. I did start WP2's pillow. I'm going to work on it today. I have to go to Avon Ave. School today. I'm starting again with the quilters. You think your life is so full of woos, but you never know what someone else is going through. I enjoy watching television but it stops you from doing so many other things. I watch my grandsons, at least the older two; it mesmerizes them. The don't move. You have to literally shut it off in order for them to respond. It's not good and that's what we do to our children. We put them in front of the box and they are drawn in. They probably wouldn't eat or drink anything; let alone go to the bathroom. This is a great invention but now it's time to limit our watching intake. I have a cat and I love it to death, but I'm really not an animal person. I know she needs a bath and I have to try to give her on, but I don't want her to scratch or bite me. This is another task that is needed. I'm always all over the place with my thoughts, but then that's what free writing is all about. There are several things that I want to learn, one is playing the and the second one is learning to speak spanish. I'm up to my ears in debt. yes, I pay my bills every month, but then I turn around and use my credit cards and spend what I paid. Go figure! This is not good at all. I have to start a budget and stick to it. I have to be consistent and get going so that i can do other things; like travel and not have to use my cards to do it. I want to go see my sister in Omaha. I want to go to Staunton and visit Frances, and then I just want to go anywhere I can go.  I know I will have to take my sister with me, but there will be times that I go by myself. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

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I slept late and was happy to be able to do it. I got up and decided to check my bank account. I turned on the television and listened to one of the tv evangelist speaking about sowing. And how he sowed and God multiplied his seeds. After that I called Rev. Anderson to ask her when she's available for Linda and me to take her out before she relocates to N. C. We talked for awhile about the move, Ashley's wedding, and then we hung up. My thoughts have vanished. I had so much to write about but after I began doing other things I lost them. I rescheduled my mom's doctor appointments. Everyday I have my sister sweep and vacuum the apartment. This gives her a chance to move around and at least the floors get cleaned.

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Everything must change. My mom cancelled her doctor appointments today. She could have gone because we were blessed to be spared by the snow storm.  They predicted six to twelve inches. There was barely a dusting on the ground. It was just very, very cold. My sister called me and asked if I would take her to the Wal Mart. We went and spent several hours in the store. After that we went to lunch. There was a  pizza shop in the same strip mall, so pizza it was. I waited too late to write my morning pages so I don't have a lot to write about.

Morning Pages 3214

I can't read much into it. But while I was a KZ2's birthday party. His grandpa asked me to come sit by him so he we could talk about our youngest son. I couldn't talk I was so mesmerized at the fact that he asked me to sit next to him that I was scared to say much. I have to forgive myself and then maybe I can move on. I'm take things to heart and I shouldn't. I'm trying to stop this but I haven't let go. How do I let go? I looked in the sink and the three day old dishes are still there. I keep telling myself to go wash them but I didn't. This past week I was aggravated and angry. i ate things that I shouldn't have and I snapped more at my sister. It was post menopausal sydrome. That's what I call it. I don't have a menstrual anymore, but I still get the PMS symptoms. There's always one day before my cycle would come that I did absolutely nothing. I didn't even bath! I'm not saying this in a proud way but I'm saying this because this is what happens to me or how I feel at east once every month. I know its happening because my sister's cycle always begins after this occurs. She is actually going though the same PMS but she just doesn't act on it as I do. I had a good time at Ashley and Handel's engagement party. I know they can't wait to be married and begin as one family. I didn't take my sister with me. I left her with our mom. I just needed to be with myself. I didn't even take her to the birthday party. That would have require me to do too much driving back and forth. I need to rest too. I find myself getting angry because I have my sister and then there are times when I know it's okay and I know that God doesn' make any mistakes. This is my new journey and I have to accept it. I don't know how long this season will run but I do know I have to change my attitude about it. I know not what's in store for me but I thank God for his mercy and grace. I sat next to a ninety something year old (Rev. Bryant)last night and he is still as sharp as a tack. He's changing his religion to Catholicism. I found that to be interesting. He's been a methodist minister for as long as I can remember and now he's converting to catholicism.

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Wow!