Morning Pages 51514

I keep thinking about Joy's post on Facebook. She said her aunt gave her something that her mom didn't; a chance to say good-bye. That's so profound! I often think about Bettie and how she died all alone and no one knew for almost a week. I know if it bothers me how it must make Joy feel. I'm sadden by the loss of Janie although I know if she was in pain and suffering then her passing was relief.  I have so much to do and I feel out of order because my brain is looking at everything and trying to do everything at the same time. I have to learn to start small and work my way up. each room is a disaster. I have so much stuff and the more I get rid of the more I have; go figure! I am so thankful for each and everyday that God has given me. I think that my thoughts and feelings that I've expressed to my son Charles has caused him to distance himself from his father. I pray that he will come around and communicate his feelings to his dad. I never meant to do this and I pray that it will soon pass. There are a lot of scares between all of us and the healing has to take place. We must open up and release the pain. Thank you God for answered prayers.

Night Pages 51414

I haven't anything to blog about. Even though I'm sure I had plenty on my mind when I woke up this morning.

Morning Pages 51314

I went to the bathroom several times through the night. I am very very sad about Joy's aunt Janie. I found out that she is really sick. I thought about how her family may feel if she dies. It's been a year since Joy's mom passed. I am so sad about Janie. Then my mom calls she doesn't want to go to the doctor for blood work. She's going through something again and I can't help her. She has to want to go. She's scared about something. Who am I to get angry with her? I know we all have our demons and vices that keep us from doing things. I eat when I'm depressed or angry, so I can't frown upon what she does; although she's really lessening her quality of life. I am trying to help her with her health issues by making sure she goes to the doctor and get the care she needs, but when she decides she's not going to go I can't do anything about it. This is the day that God has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. What do you do when you've done all you can. You just PRAY! I pray all the time and I thank God for his many blessings and answers. Please God take care of my family and friends.

Morning Pages 51214

I had a good time yesterday. I went to visit Joy and WP1. Then I came home and cook my fish. I got upset because my youngest son hadn't called me to say Happy Mother's day. Everyone else had and he hadn't. I even told Joy that if there were no flowers on my table when I got home he was going to be on my list. Well, when I got home there were no flowers and he still hadn't called me. I was feeling some sort of way. I even thought about how his dad must feel when he doesn't get calls from anyone. So, of course here goes. I have to control everything. I text my son and tell him to make cure he call his grandmas and wish them a Happy Mother's day. He didn't reply. Then I heard the key in the door it was him. He told me he deliberately made me sweat. He said he was leaving the store when he got my text and he decided not to text me back. I was so happy to see him and he bought me some flowers. I'm so crazy, but I would have been really upset if he hadn't called me or come to see me. I didn't need anything. I just needed him to call me. I know that sounds very controlling and crazy.

Morning Pages 51114

THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!

Morning Pages 51014

I think I'm sleeping too much. Since I've been back I feel tired so I sleep longer. I'm not sure if that's good. I don't know what's going on in my head. I had a dream about a wedding. It was a young couple but it was a different ethnicity wedding. Yet, I thought I was really dreaming about my youngest son and his girl friend. My words are not here today. I have to speak up and speak out when I don't want to do something. I have to say no when I don't want to do something. I have to stop worrying about how others will always feel. Stop putting myself out there and then regretting it later. Yes, I don't mind helping but then I feel obligated to always be the one to do it. Again, that's the control freak in me, and then I'm not happy. I don't want to be responsible for others. I just want to help myself right now. I'm not talking about my grandchildren because they have their parents. I'm just there when they need me to step in and watch the kids. I'm there to love them and spoil them. I'm talking about taking care of my sister now. I don't really want that responsibility. I know she's getting what she needs by being here with me but I don't want to do it all the time. Then I think to myself why not be there for her. She needs to have the best quality of life she deserves. We all should have the best quality of life that we can have.   I enjoy volunteering and working with my quilt buddies. This give me something to do, and I'm interacting with some sharp, fun, and friendly women. Thank you God for this season.

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Sometimes we want to try to change the world, but it's really not up to us to make these changes. I truly believe that the more we pray and ask God to show us what we must do. Let go and let God! You can't change people if they don't want to be helped.