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I'm late writing this morning. I slept until nine and would still be in bed if it wasn't for my cat pawing at the bathroom door. She got louder and louder, and my yelling at her to stop didn't help. Anyway I tossed and turned all through the night. I slept on my stomach which made my back hurt, so I balled up in a fetal position to relieve the back pain. I heard the fierce winds blowing throughout the night. The garbage cans were being thrown about. I guess I didn't get any sleep. And then when I thought I was sleeping I went into dream mode. What did I dream about? I really can't remember. I know I'm just randomly writing but that's what the morning pages are for. It helps you to get out whatever thoughts or feelings you are harboring. I'm trying not to hold on to the email that struck me cold. I'm trying to forgive and ask God to forgive me for whatever thoughts, words, or deeds that I have committed towards the sender. Yes, I am still a little angry. I wanted to give that person a piece of my mind but that wouldn't fix the problem. I need to speak with them and find out what I did that made them send this email to me. I have to confront the situation head on, and that's something I rarely do unless I'm boiling over with anger. I keep telling my self it's okay to be angry but sin not. I'm going to stop here and hopefully today will be a better day for me. I know one thing it is a very very cold and windy day!

Morning Pages 1614

Wow! I'm up early but still not early enough. I'm taking my grandson to school this morning. I'm really worried about the streets, praying I don't take the wrong route. I'm always trying to avoid the icy streets. The weather is suppose to be a little warmer, but who knows what the streets look like. I don't know what to write about. I have so many negative thoughts or things that I'm feeling and don't think I should write down. I had to vent last night about my email, but who do I talk to. I called one of my sister's and she listened to me and then we discussed the situation. I felt a little better after getting my feelings off my chest.

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You can't run and hide but that's what I feel like doing. Just leaving everything and going away from it all. I received a disturbing but true message from my son and how he felt about me and how I was making him feel. I thought in my mind that I had gotten better but I guess I hadn't. Leave it up to me to always mess up. I don't believe this crap for a minute. I didn't mess up. I didn't do anything to him, however he feels that I did. So it's time for me to step back and play my position as mom, mother-in-law, grandma what ever the title. I will know my place. It's time for me to get a life and not try to live through their life. I've know this for a long time but didn't want to face it. I can't hold on to my children. They are adults and have flown the nest. I'm the one who keeps trying to keep them in it. I must examine me I was annoyed when I got the email and I wanted to lash out but I keep telling myself "sin not and don't provoke to anger." It all goes back to being in control. I may not come right out and do it but the subtle things that I do are controlling. Even when my grandson was writing last night. I was trying to assist him but as I think about it I was trying to control what he wrote and how he did it. I frustrated him. I have to give up the ghost.

Morning Pages 1414

So many thoughts going through my head and none of them making any sense. I worry about my adult children all the time especially my youngest. I pray that things will change for him. I look at my son and wonder what is going on with him. How does he feel about his life at this moment. I want so much to make things better for him and I can't or he really won't let me. Once again I'm trying to control the situation. Maybe it's suppose to be like this. Maybe it's time for me to step back and let the events and moments take place. Who am I? I'm not God! I can't control anything and make things happen. I'm just his worrying mom! I know that all through the night while I slept I was thinking about this. I was thinking about how I could make it better. I realize now that it's not going to get better until he wants it to. I can't kiss it and put a bandaid on it and say "it's okay now. " Did I get any sleep? I'm not sure because once I stopped thinking about him. I started thinking about my sister trying to remember if she took her last pill before bed. I have to do better by her. I have to take full charge and not rely on her to remember because for some reason now she's forgetting. I have a phobia about black ice and I know the weather tomorrow was going to be cold and the streets were going to be icy. I want to take my grandson out and I don't want to be afraid to drive. So much to do for others and not enough time to do for myself. My biggest problem is trying to control everything in my life, and knowing that I can't, even if I tried. I remember when I was a little girl growing up in a dysfunctional household. I had a lot of responsibilities because I was the oldest of ten children. All I ever wanted was peace between my parents but it was never like that. So you learn to lie about things. Mom tells you to call dad and tell him to come home because one of the children got hurt. You pretend to make that call and tell her that you weren't able to reach him. I don't know now if doing that made the situation better or worse, but I did it anyway. Why? because I knew that she would want to cause conflict when he did come home. Seeing this all my life or at least until I was sixteen was not a good thing to embed in your memories. So did I change my life or did I follow in those same foot steps. . . Looking back on my journey; the "apple don't fall to far from the tree."

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Thinking too much about what to write. Just write! Woke up wondering how the weather is outside. I'm thankful that I don't have to go out in this white mess. But if I had to I would. I took a picture of the snow from my window. I always loved the way snow looks when no one has walked in it. Waiting for my grandson to come. We have a good time when he visits. I'm all over the place with my thoughts. Yesterday I went out to buy some yarn that I needed to complete a hat that I was crocheting. I have to learn to calculate the exact amount so this doesn't happen each time I'm crocheting something. I completed another scarf and began two new hats. I'm on a roll. Busting it out. Here I go again I guess I'll crochet until I burn out. Always substituting something else for what's missing in my life. I have to learn to sit still sometimes. Took down the tree and putting away the decorations. I loved this Christmas. Decorating the house and buying little things to give to my family was a joy. Oh boy, how many times am I going to say I . . .

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Sometime ago, I read the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and in her book she had an exercise that was nonnegotiable. You had to do it every morning. You had to write three pages of what ever crossed your mind, and it had to be done when you first woke up; before you did anything else. So I decided that I would begin writing in my blog; first thing in the morning before I did anything else. My thoughts may not make sense, but it will be my release of whatever I'm thinking or feeling at that time. No it won't be three pages, but who knows . . . what will become of it.
So hear goes . . . stayed up late crocheting another infinity scarf. I'm really proud of the number of completed scarves I've made so far. I wish I could complete that many quilts. I'm always completing the quilt tops but never sandwiching them so I can do the final step. I've decide to try to complete one thing a week. What ever I'm working on. My goal is to complete before I begin something new. Penn use to tell me that when I started something I would become obsessed with it. I remembered when he taught me how to macrame. He had a gig and I was at home. That night I think I make three or four plant holders. I get like that. I rush through things. Then I move on to something else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ADD. I will have several projects going and not really completing one. That's why I'm going to try to finish before I begin a new one. There are so many changes happening with me and I feel overwhelmed and sometimes I can't cope. I am happy, sad, angry, needy, wanting, and dying for a simple touch. I thank God for the people in my life and I am thanking Him for new people He will send to me. This is my year! 2014!!!  My first morning page.

Day by Day

New year, new day, making resolutions about the changes that you will make for this year; stop fronting and wasting time. Yesterday I cooked for the first time in a long time. I mean I cooked fresh foods, not processed ones. I sautéed baby kale, fried cod, boiled and mashed butternut squash, and last but not least some baked macaroni and cheese. This was the beginning of my new year. I also completed the beanie hat I was crocheting and started crocheting another infinity scarf. I turned the television off for a couple of hours and listened to some music.