Morning Pages 1414

So many thoughts going through my head and none of them making any sense. I worry about my adult children all the time especially my youngest. I pray that things will change for him. I look at my son and wonder what is going on with him. How does he feel about his life at this moment. I want so much to make things better for him and I can't or he really won't let me. Once again I'm trying to control the situation. Maybe it's suppose to be like this. Maybe it's time for me to step back and let the events and moments take place. Who am I? I'm not God! I can't control anything and make things happen. I'm just his worrying mom! I know that all through the night while I slept I was thinking about this. I was thinking about how I could make it better. I realize now that it's not going to get better until he wants it to. I can't kiss it and put a bandaid on it and say "it's okay now. " Did I get any sleep? I'm not sure because once I stopped thinking about him. I started thinking about my sister trying to remember if she took her last pill before bed. I have to do better by her. I have to take full charge and not rely on her to remember because for some reason now she's forgetting. I have a phobia about black ice and I know the weather tomorrow was going to be cold and the streets were going to be icy. I want to take my grandson out and I don't want to be afraid to drive. So much to do for others and not enough time to do for myself. My biggest problem is trying to control everything in my life, and knowing that I can't, even if I tried. I remember when I was a little girl growing up in a dysfunctional household. I had a lot of responsibilities because I was the oldest of ten children. All I ever wanted was peace between my parents but it was never like that. So you learn to lie about things. Mom tells you to call dad and tell him to come home because one of the children got hurt. You pretend to make that call and tell her that you weren't able to reach him. I don't know now if doing that made the situation better or worse, but I did it anyway. Why? because I knew that she would want to cause conflict when he did come home. Seeing this all my life or at least until I was sixteen was not a good thing to embed in your memories. So did I change my life or did I follow in those same foot steps. . . Looking back on my journey; the "apple don't fall to far from the tree."