Morning Pages 31914

I cancelled my doctor's appointment so I could keep my youngest grandson. At first, I was going to take him with me, and then I realized it wouldn't work. I could vision him not cooperating with me, so I cancelled it. I've even given up my Avon Ave School session today. I haven't been in two weeks. I have to get back on track and do what I do for me or what I enjoy being a part of. I can't give up everything I do. This week is not my week. That's what happens. You may have things planned or at least you have your daily routine and something else comes along and changes it. I have to take my recycle things to the recycle place. I should have done it last week, but I put it off. Now I have to wait until Friday.

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Up early, waiting for William to come; Will's dropping him off this morning. I'm so thankful to my God for making me available to help my children with their children. I'm thankful that I am healthy enough to take care of them. I'm thankful that God opens doors and makes a way out of no way. At least we don't see it until He makes it happen. I'm just so thankful for Him. I went to the doctor because my cough was getting worse. I'm thankful that it's not that bad. I am still coughing but I have some medicine to help calm it. Yesterday, by default I started looking at some old pictures of my children. I got a little nostalgic and began pulling out old family pictures. I started texting pictures to my sons and their dad. Just looking at them brought back so many memories, memories I had forgotten about. I smiled, laughed, and even felt like crying; but I didn't. Looking at the pictures brought me so much pleasure. It's always nice to look back at the past as long as you don't stay there. I am going to view the pictures again and I will keep some and give some to my children and grandchildren.

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I'm up! Happy St. Patrick's Day. I had such a crazy dream. Most of the adults on the bus were my former colleagues. I don't know where we were going or why, but it was a crazy dream. Then we were off the bus and just waiting in this room. There was a piano there and music began to play. No one was playing the piano, but it seemed to be playing gospel music. Someone in the crowd asked if the music could be turned off. I was enjoying it. So I pulled the MP3 player out of the electrical socket. It was such a weird dream. Then Mr. D. ; one of my colleagues started talking about the job. I asked Mrs. M. to tell him to stop talking and be quiet. He said he didn't care if anyone heard him. So I didn't say anything else to him. After that it became silent in the room. I looked over to my right and Mr. D. was sitting next to me apologizing about his comments.  I didn't really respond to him because he knew he was wrong. Such a weird dream. Several hours went by and then some people came in and began setting up the room for dinner. Why were we here I don't know? Crazy Dream! I have to get ready. I really need to go to the doctor. This cough of mine is taking me through the wringer. Need it to stop! My morning pages are very short today. Maybe I'll write some more later.

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Wow! I'm up earlier than ever on a Sunday.  My phone rang, it was Linda. We are still trying to decide on a restaurant to take Rev. Jeanette to. For the life of me I can't think of one. I don't want to go all over the place but  would like for it to be nice and have good food. Anyway, I'm up and getting ready for service, but first I write. I'm sitting here thinking about what to write. As they say thinking about thinking. I still have a bad cough. I did take some OTC medicine to help. I think it helped! Anyway, I'm still coughing; not as much. I watched 'Til Debt Do Us Part. It's interesting how this financial planner comes in and assist people with their finances to get them out of debt. I really have to take heed and come to grips with my own debt. I am almost back up to forty thousand dollars in debt; not including two of Charles' school loans. I have to take the bull by the horns and correct this as soon as possible. I keep saying to myself "this month I'll make changes," but I find another excuse not to start. As my one of my sons told me, "I can't help you." He's right, I have to help myself. I have to get my cash only system back and breakdown exactly what I have to spend for the month. When I retired I started out doing this and then I got the BIG credit card and all HELL broke loose. I took care of everything and everyone; twenty thousand dollars later, I am paying for it now. Okay, that's just one of life's problems. I felt some sort of way when I text Bill for his sister's phone no. and he said he couldn't send it to me because he was driving. All of a sudden I started wondering where he was driving too. None of my business I know, but I felt some sort of way because I wanted to know. Shame, shame on me. Let it go! I'm still the same nothing has changed. Everyone and everything as moved on but I haven't; although I say I have. It's time to wake up my sister and let her take her shower so we can get ready. I'm not sure what she's wearing to church I'll look for something while she's showering. We go through so many changes in our life and yet we go through none. Everything must change nothing stays the same. That song goes through my head. Change is scary, and depending on the change it can be detrimental to your health. I didn't like it when I got stuck with my sister, and at times I still don't like it. That was one of my changes. My friend is getting ready to make a big change in her life. She's moving away and leaving her youngest adult child here in Jersey. It's hard for her and I may not have all of her feelings about it, but I can imagine how she feels. I thought I my change as a season. God takes us through seasons. He determines how long your season is; that change that comes into your life.. When I retired and my mom got sick and I had my sister it was and is my season. Even the people He brings into your life come and go because it was a season that they were suppose to be their. They can be good or bad it doesn't matter. What matters is that they were their for a reason. What ever the lesson He sent and hopefully you received was your season with them. Only He knows how long this season will run. This change that Rev. Jeanette is about to embark on is her new season. Only God knows how long this season will be for her. He is the author and finisher of our lives. I do thank God each and everyday for all that he does for me and my family and friends.  Enough said . . . as per Mr. Tobe, Until Tomorrow . . . Thank God for another beautiful day!

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This post is beyond morning. This is what happens when I don't stick to my some what plan. I lose track of time and forget to write my pages.  

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Up very early! I have to get ready for my grandson. I had a weird and unrestful sleep last night. I was up most of the night going to the bathroom. The more it seems like the cough goes away the more it comes back with a vengeance. Then I have a dream about Penn. Of course I wanted him, but that's not even what the dream was about. He was trying to catch this young man. He was trying to restrain him. The young man kept running. Finally, Penn came to my house and just walked in. I asked him what was going on and he told me he had to catch this young man. I asked him why and then the truth came out. This was his son, and the worse part was that it was by his dead brother's wife. Mind you it was while his brother was alive. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset and I was trying to figure out when this happened. I tell you this is what I spent my time worrying about instead of sleeping. I don't have the foggiest idea why this was in my head or my dream. Once again, I'm thinking about Penn. He doesn't want me yet I keep thinking about him. I hope he's okay. I'm still spending money or I should say I'm still using someone else's money that I have to pay back sooner or later. That's how this country makes money;interest! That's the name of the game in our capitalistic nation. I was asked to help with ordering the food for the food pantry. I never gave an answer. I don't want to do it. I realize it only requires you to go online and place the order, but I know that's not all I would have to do. I've been avoiding this issue. Then because of who I am I will feel guilty if I don't do it. I really want to go and visit my sister in Omaha, and I will. I'm determined to do two things this year. Go back to Virginia and then to Omaha. I have to get my car in tip top shape and then I'll be able to do this. I guess I'll have to take my sister with me. I've been eating like I'm crazy. Every time I get annoyed with something or someone I find comfort in eating. It's getting bad. I've put on so much weight. I have a doctor's appointment and I'm really afraid of what the scale will say. I am ashamed of myself yet I don't stop. What's that all about? I find myself still going in circles. I want to make changes in my lie and I do but I'm still not consistent. A change is going to come! I have no choice. sometimes I think I'm ADD. I can't seem to stay focused on one thing. I have to be all over the place. Almost like I have to be in everything or doing something at all times. This is not true. I need to stay back and let others do. I always seem to cripple people. I want to teach them how to fish, but at times I wind up fishing for them. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .  Thank God for this day!

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Off to the doctors, mom has to have blood work and dental today. I got up late as usual, but I'm on my way to pick her up and start a day of mom.