Morning Pages 31414

Up very early! I have to get ready for my grandson. I had a weird and unrestful sleep last night. I was up most of the night going to the bathroom. The more it seems like the cough goes away the more it comes back with a vengeance. Then I have a dream about Penn. Of course I wanted him, but that's not even what the dream was about. He was trying to catch this young man. He was trying to restrain him. The young man kept running. Finally, Penn came to my house and just walked in. I asked him what was going on and he told me he had to catch this young man. I asked him why and then the truth came out. This was his son, and the worse part was that it was by his dead brother's wife. Mind you it was while his brother was alive. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset and I was trying to figure out when this happened. I tell you this is what I spent my time worrying about instead of sleeping. I don't have the foggiest idea why this was in my head or my dream. Once again, I'm thinking about Penn. He doesn't want me yet I keep thinking about him. I hope he's okay. I'm still spending money or I should say I'm still using someone else's money that I have to pay back sooner or later. That's how this country makes money;interest! That's the name of the game in our capitalistic nation. I was asked to help with ordering the food for the food pantry. I never gave an answer. I don't want to do it. I realize it only requires you to go online and place the order, but I know that's not all I would have to do. I've been avoiding this issue. Then because of who I am I will feel guilty if I don't do it. I really want to go and visit my sister in Omaha, and I will. I'm determined to do two things this year. Go back to Virginia and then to Omaha. I have to get my car in tip top shape and then I'll be able to do this. I guess I'll have to take my sister with me. I've been eating like I'm crazy. Every time I get annoyed with something or someone I find comfort in eating. It's getting bad. I've put on so much weight. I have a doctor's appointment and I'm really afraid of what the scale will say. I am ashamed of myself yet I don't stop. What's that all about? I find myself still going in circles. I want to make changes in my lie and I do but I'm still not consistent. A change is going to come! I have no choice. sometimes I think I'm ADD. I can't seem to stay focused on one thing. I have to be all over the place. Almost like I have to be in everything or doing something at all times. This is not true. I need to stay back and let others do. I always seem to cripple people. I want to teach them how to fish, but at times I wind up fishing for them. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .  Thank God for this day!