Morning Pages 33114

Wow! this is the last day of March. I have gone through another month. I feel as though nothing was changed. I took two steps forward only to go back three. I have not put my trust in God. I'm still trying to work it out all by myself, and that's why it's not working. I've approached this life of my thinking that I could do it all by myself and I can't. God has to come first and I have to surrender. I have to let go and let God run my ship. I haven't done this. That's why sometimes things get all screwed up because I jump instead of waiting. I am always afraid of the bad I don't give it time for the good. I must step out on faith. I've seen God's miracles and works, so it's past time for me. I have to release my hold on myself and watch the changes that God will bring. I want to be better not bigger. Thank you God for each gift you have given me even when I didn't deserve it. Until tomorrow . . . Another day to get it right!

Morning Pages 33014

I wake up to see the ceiling fan going in the bedroom where my sister sleeps. I asked her why the fan was on, and why did she turn the light off that way. She told me she always turn it off like that. I just don't understand what happens to her because she doesn't turn it off by pulling he string she has always turned it off from the wall switch. Then when I asked her why she's staring at me with this perplexing look. I just don't get it! The I have to stop myself and let it go. It's not important enough to get upset. She's a case that will never been understood. I had several weird dreams none that I can really remember, but the were sexual. Something that I desire from time to time. I have a nasty blister on my lip. I really don't want to be seen out in public with it but I have to go and do what I have to do. Off to church today; Missionary Sunday. I volunteered to read scripture. I also usher today. We have a guest preacher so I better get ready and be on time. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 32914

I have to stop eating. I mean binge eating. I'm a mad woman! Why am I doing this to myself? I am financially strapped. I have no way out, but to stop spending. I'm going on a trip that I really can't afford to go on. Was I being reasonable when I said yes. Did I really pray about it ? What was I thinking or maybe that's the problem I wasn't thinking. I'm such a oomph. What ever that is. I have bills up the kazoo; my choice. I made them and now I'm slowly sinking in the quicksand of paying them. I have to stop! How do you do it? I know you can't cry over spelt milk; what's done is done. Am I being redundant. This year I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted to send several family members some money. I am determined to make it happen. I started this month and next month I have two more people to send money to; my mom being one of them.

Morning Pages 32814

Wow, this month is moving right on out. I have to figure out how I'm going to swing this. I have to have a certain amount of money for my trip. Maybe I jumped too quickly by saying yes, and should have waited until June. Who Knows? Only the good Lord does and I feel that it's okay and everything will be alright. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I really want to enjoy myself so I am trying to make sure that I have everything prepared and done. Especially the church bulletins, and the anniversary banner. So next week I have to print out and make two banners. I also have to prepared for a lesson in continuous binding for the seniors on the tenth of April. I have to remember to send Linda a birthday card. And while I'm doing all of that I have to pack and be ready for my trip. I have to get my sister ready and take her to my other sister in Elizabeth. So much to o and yet it's not a lot to do. I bought a couple of things yesterday and I have to take them back and up the sizes. As I'm blogging I notice that I left crumbs on the counter last night. I had a nerve to make a sandwich before I went to bed. I ate it while I was talking to Aunt Tunie about registering online for the trip. She's excited and I'm glad to be taking this trip with her. I know she and Uncle Jerry go all the time so I hope this will be a very rewarding time for her. I have to make sure I tell the doctor about my trip so she can give me or tell me what to get just in case I get motion sickness. I'm praying that that will not happen. I have to remember not to put it out into the atmosphere. As I get closer to the trip I'm going to color my hair. I want to take my sister to get her hair done before I leave. I think I will wash it tonight and fix it back into the style that I did for Sunday. We are going to celebrate my daughter-in-law's birthday. She's some kind of woman. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 32714

We are off to see the dentist. Another day another dollar. I spent money again yesterday. I don't have it. I'm getting ready for my trip and what am I doing? Spending! Day four of my countdown. So far the only thing that I have done was take mommy to the doctor. Oh, I forgot we didn't even do that. The elevator wasn't working, and she can't walk down the stairs. Tomorrow I prepare for Saturday's marathon. Rose is going to have Fee with her. I didn't want to bombard Debbie. I have to send the state money for taxes. i have to do better. I have to put money aside so I can be assured that I will have it when next tax time comes. Something has to give. It's me that has to give . . . I've decided to work on my quilts and try to sell them. I have made some beautiful tops; at least I think they are beautiful. I'm going to tie them, envelope them, and bind them. I need to get all twenty finished. I'm still making tops, so I have to get ride of some of them. Besides I have several children I want to give them to.

Afternoon Pages 32614

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to keep Sapphire. When she gets upset she urinates on the bathroom floor. It's been awhile since she's done it, but today I wasn't in the mood for it. I got up early because it was doctor day for mommy. There's always something crazy thrown in the wheel. The elevator wasn't working, so I had to cancel her appointments. Now it's time to reschedule. Again, another month of doctor visits. I guess we will always have to go. At least every three months for her and hopefully every six months for Fajer.

Morning Pages 32514

I can be so fickle at time, especially when I start second guessing myself. I know the answer, so why do I feel unsure about it. I've read the information, so why can't I follow it the first time? Why do I think I'm going to make a mistake, and then I do? I know why because I lack confidence in myself, no matter how old I get I still think I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but that's how I feel. I get scared. I  have always thought I needed a boost to get me started but I know and I've know for quite sometime that that was my insecurities about me. My low-self-esteem. I know I am capable of many things. I intelligent, bright, witty, and beautiful inside and out, but I have allowed my thoughts to tell me other wise. I have felt this way all my life. I spoke to two people concerning my taxes; whether I have to mail in the hard copies after I e-filed my taxes. That word in itself tells you how fickle I am. E-File! Which means electronic filing; it's going through the computer. Why did I think I didn't know the answer to my question? I worked myself into not knowing and the answer was right in front of me. This is the kind of craziness that I do. Unsure of me! I've decided to go on a trip (cruise) with my Aunt Tunie. I'm glad I said yes, and then comes in the doubt. I conjure up all kinds of thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't do this because I have to do that. I think I've done this to myself all my life; not being sure, not stepping out on FAITH. I am still trying to control my situation and others until I can't see the forest for the trees. How do I begin to change something that I have done for fifty plus years. How to rewire your brain to do something else. How do you build confidence and trust within yourself at this late stage of life? How? I also find myself procrastinating because I'm unsure of things or not knowing where to begin. So what do I do. I avoid doing that thing until I feel confident in doing it. Sounds a little far fetch but that's me! I was asked out to dinner yesterday and I felt good about going and then all of a sudden I had a reason for not going; besides the time, I was going to wash my clothes. Now, here's the clincher. I didn't wash my clothes. I stalled, I don't really remember what I did, but I know the clothes didn't get washed. But, on the other hand or flip side, I did clean the kitchen LOL. I'm up blogging and feeling good. I have to move forward today. I have to prepare for my trip. I have to make sure my sister is set. I want to work on the two lap quilts so I can make a little money. I'm not going to charge her a lot. That's another thing I'm always underselling myself. I'm never charging what I'm worth or what it's worth. I put a lot into what I do and sometimes I do rush it, but I feel my skills are up to par. I have to get started with my day. Thank God for this new gift, so I better open it and use it to the fullest. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .