Morning Pages 32514

I can be so fickle at time, especially when I start second guessing myself. I know the answer, so why do I feel unsure about it. I've read the information, so why can't I follow it the first time? Why do I think I'm going to make a mistake, and then I do? I know why because I lack confidence in myself, no matter how old I get I still think I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but that's how I feel. I get scared. I  have always thought I needed a boost to get me started but I know and I've know for quite sometime that that was my insecurities about me. My low-self-esteem. I know I am capable of many things. I intelligent, bright, witty, and beautiful inside and out, but I have allowed my thoughts to tell me other wise. I have felt this way all my life. I spoke to two people concerning my taxes; whether I have to mail in the hard copies after I e-filed my taxes. That word in itself tells you how fickle I am. E-File! Which means electronic filing; it's going through the computer. Why did I think I didn't know the answer to my question? I worked myself into not knowing and the answer was right in front of me. This is the kind of craziness that I do. Unsure of me! I've decided to go on a trip (cruise) with my Aunt Tunie. I'm glad I said yes, and then comes in the doubt. I conjure up all kinds of thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't do this because I have to do that. I think I've done this to myself all my life; not being sure, not stepping out on FAITH. I am still trying to control my situation and others until I can't see the forest for the trees. How do I begin to change something that I have done for fifty plus years. How to rewire your brain to do something else. How do you build confidence and trust within yourself at this late stage of life? How? I also find myself procrastinating because I'm unsure of things or not knowing where to begin. So what do I do. I avoid doing that thing until I feel confident in doing it. Sounds a little far fetch but that's me! I was asked out to dinner yesterday and I felt good about going and then all of a sudden I had a reason for not going; besides the time, I was going to wash my clothes. Now, here's the clincher. I didn't wash my clothes. I stalled, I don't really remember what I did, but I know the clothes didn't get washed. But, on the other hand or flip side, I did clean the kitchen LOL. I'm up blogging and feeling good. I have to move forward today. I have to prepare for my trip. I have to make sure my sister is set. I want to work on the two lap quilts so I can make a little money. I'm not going to charge her a lot. That's another thing I'm always underselling myself. I'm never charging what I'm worth or what it's worth. I put a lot into what I do and sometimes I do rush it, but I feel my skills are up to par. I have to get started with my day. Thank God for this new gift, so I better open it and use it to the fullest. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .