Morning Pages 2714

Crazy dreams, filled with violence, sex, and anger. I went in and out of the same dream. Really strange, I can't remember it, yet I see people; men especially. I remember a fight happening in a public bathroom. I kept trying to get someone to help the person being beaten. I stayed up late and had to get up early to be ready for my grandson. I get angry with myself because I don't go to bed on time, and then I get annoyed because my sister sleeps until eleven.  At times I don't care if she sleeps late and then other times I get angry because she can. I'm not sure if I've created a monster because she does nothing, so why should she be tired. Then I realize that even when she does things I have to go behind her and straighten them out. I just woke her up and because of her response to me I got a little angry and told her that she will be going to be early because she doesn't like to get up early. I know this was really foolish of me. Then she just sits on the bed after I started the shower for her. I told her she had to come and get her new bar of soap. I think all of this anger I have is really about how I'm feeling about myself. I am not doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I didn't cook yesterday, but I did complete the wash. Instead of doing what I had on my list. I took my other sister shopping so she and our mom would have food for the next two weeks. I did knit before I went to bed. That's another thing that kept me up late. I was trying to catch up on what I hadn't done. I didn't work on any of my other projects. Yesterday was a good day. I just didn't open up the whole gift. I'm going to try it again today.

Morning Pages 2614

I didn't dance yesterday but I did washed all of my clothes. I have a load left I the dryer. I do have the linen to wash but it's nothing like having clean clothes. They get dirty so fast and then you're back in the basement washing all over again. I haven't seen the bird so it just might be dead. I know it has to be there was no food or water for it. I'm still dealing with these cold symptoms. But they seem to be getting better. I have to continue with the tea and Airborne. Last night my mom called me saying that I had to find her a place to live. She was tired of my brother. He went to the store for her and spent her money. He didn't bring her back anything. This is typical of a drug fiend. You can't give him money or ask him to do anything for you because he will steal from you. I was so annoyed with her because she knows this. I told her to call the police and have him locked up for taking her money. There is know hope for him until he's ready to help himself. It's things like this that make me want to scream and just get away from them all. I watch a taped Dr. Oz show on losing fat. Of course he has so many different people on the show and everyone has their own plan. The one I saw last night reminded me of the Hilton Head Metabolism Diet, so I went to see if I still had it on my bookshelf. I found it and I also found The catcher and the Rye. I've never read that book and I would like to read it now. I know I'm all over the place and I really have to get it together. Planning and preparation is the key. I need to start doing it. I have to buy a toner for my printer and then complete the bulletin and flier for church. I have to keep a list of what I'm spending for the church. I have to make sure I do this for 2014. I'm committing the ultimate technology sin; using my printer as a copier. Bad, bad, bad thing! I would always fuss at my colleagues for doing this and I'm doing it now. Shame on me. Yesterday I text several family and friends; just checking on them, and I realized that once again I was being that motherly figure. I was helping my neighbor and all the time I was telling her what she should have on; like I was her mom. I guess this is why I don't have a ma in my life because I would probably drive him crazy mothering him to death. Why do I do this? I really don't want to be anyone's mom. I just want to LOVE someone! I was happy that my text was answered right back from Penn. Usually it takes a day or two, or three before he thinks about responding. Oh well let me stop fantasizing. Enough said . . . Thank you God for the day and everyday that has preceded this day, and remembering that each day is a gift, so we should open it and enjoy what He has given us. Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 2514

The weather came; icy, snowy, rainy, stay inside if you can. I'm canceling mom's doctor appointment. I still feel lousy. I went out yesterday and bought some Airborn or I should say a generic of that brand. I'm thinking about my family hoping that they are all warm and safe. I pray that Jesus takes the wheel and navigate them through today. My right eye feels sore. I have to make an eye appointment. Can't play around with my eyes. I have so much to do for myself this month. I my thoughts are everywhere and I can't even free write. My sister woke up with cramps and loose bowels. She acts so helpless. Like a baby; I guess she is a baby. She can't really take care of herself. It annoys me. I have to control myself. I know she can't do but so much for herself. Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 2414

Writing the morning pages every morning helps me keep track of the days of the week. It keeps me current. I'm annoyed with myself because I'm not doing anything different. It's so easy to stay the way you were even though you want to make changes in your life. I know they are gradual but beginning seems to be the hardest thing. Yesterday I sat all day doing absolutely nothing again! I haven't been feeling well. I have cold symptoms. It's all in my nose. Dry mouth because I'm breathing through my nose when I sleep. I was going to wash clothes and never made it to the basement. The bird is still down there or is it. It may be dead because it has no food or water. I have to check with Theresa to see if it is still there. Yesterday we watched television all day. It's amazing how you are stuffy when you sleep and then when you're up you nose is running. I don't know what it should be but I would really like to get some sleep. I listened to Deepak Chopra once and he was talking about meditation and other things. One thing he said was that you should not watch television so many minutes before you go to bed because what ever you were watching is imprinted in your head. You should do something calming to clear the mind before you go to bed. He was so right. I dream about things that I have watched just before I laid down. This is something that I really have to do. I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep because I'm always thinking about something. I didn't cook dinner. I didn't wash the dishes, I didn't do any of the things I needed to do. Oh, I did take out the garbage, and then it snowed so much. The garbage men didn't even pick it up. Go figure! This month, one year ago I lost a friend. Yes, I can call her friend. We had a common bond, our grandson.  I do miss her. I wish she was here. I would love to hear what she would say to WP. I would love to hear the advice she would give me. She was ten years my senior. She always seem to call me at the right time. We would talk about children, grandchildren, self, etc. She always gave me something to think about. Sometimes I though she was such a hard person, but then I realize there is nothing wrong with tough love. A little bit never hurt anyone. I do miss her, wish she could have stayed a little longer. I know all things happen for a reason and only God knows the plan. Thank you Lord for your mercy. Thank you Lord for watching over my family. Thank you Lord for keeping them safe in their going out and coming in. Thank you Lord!

Morning Pages 2314

I feel lousy. Where did these cold symptoms come from? I lay down to sleep only to dry my mouth out. I am breathing through my mouth and drying it out. I dreamt about some of my cousins and my nieces. I also dreamt about school. I was subbing at Oakwood Ave. School and I was walking there from my house, but I wasn't in Maplewood I was somewhere in the south. Like North Carolina or someplace else in the south. I woke up at least four times going to the bathroom. I think about the goodness of the Lord. He made Super Bowl Sunday's weather great for those playing the game and those watching it. God held back the snow. I know it was the Lord because I woke up to another snowstorm. Frances has been on my mind and I have to call her today. I pray that Charles speaks too his dad. I wish I knew why he's not calling him back when his dad calls him. I pray it wasn't something that I said to Charles to make him feel this way. My heart aches to see this happening. My thoughts are everywhere. My mom just called me and asked what was I doing? I said nothing because of the snow. Then she says,"I don't know where Debbie is?" She said, "what if the place is closed?" I told her that Debbie knows how to take care of herself. If the place is closed she knows how to come back. These are the things that bother me about my mom. She wants you to cater to her and you can't do anything for yourself. My mom doesn't take care of herself like she should and she doesn't want anyone else to take care of what they have to do. Enough said . . .

Afternoon Pages 2214

I woke up with dry mouth. It was so dry, my tongue felt rough like sandpaper. What's going on with me. I have to make a dental and doctor's appointment. I keep putting it off because I feel so ashamed of the weight I put on. It's been a full year since I've been to the doctor or it may be longer than that. I was angry this morning. I keep trying to figure out what set me off. I know I got annoyed when my mom called me again about her money. I don't mind helping with her bills but she thinks you are suppose to jump and do it right away. I forgot about the church bulletins. I was in bed and my spirit spoke to me and said you didn't print the programs. I got up and did it right away. While they were printing my toner decided to go out. I took the cartridge out and shook it. It gave me a few more copies. I have to buy toner and paper. I ran out of that too. I ate a banana, egg, and later a clementine. I drank water, but forgot to take my medicine. I finished my infinity scarf for Michelle. But this one came out wrong. It was twisted and too late to take it all out. I gave it to her anyway. God has been so good to us and I thank God for His many Blessings. I had so much to write about this morning but I didn't have time to stop and do it. I do have to find out about my dry mouth issue.

Morning Pages 2114

Wow! We are in a new month, so much going on in my head. This is the time that Bettie died. She wasn't found for several days. I really feel some sort of way. although she and I didn't see each other on a regular basis. We shared one common bond; our grandson, our first grandson. I was so angry at her for leaving me. We were suppose to raise him together. I know his parents are raising him, but Bettie and I were suppose to be the grandparents. I think about what must be going through Joy's mind at this moment. It's been a year. Time goes by but the sadness and feelings of loss don't go away so easily. I had so much going through my head this morning. The few errands that I have to do this morning. Fee waking up with cramps. Me dreaming all through the night. Do I ever sleep? I guess I would have to go to an expert to find our. I sent my oldest grandson an email this morning. I hope he got it. I went out last night to dinner with my friends. I had such a great time. Laughing and talking and sharing what's been going on in my life. I love them all. I was so glad to see all of them. It felt so good to be out with people. Then the reality hit me and I had to get back to the house with my sister. i can lave her for a few hours but I try not to be too long. I've become a little dependent on her income, and I have to stop that. I have to fall back on my monthly fixed income only. I want to go to Las Vegas, but that may not happen. I need someone else to go with me and then my rate will be cheaper. I haven't reached out to anyone. I know my aunt would probably like to go, or Judy may consider. But why am I hesitating to ask them. That's how fickle I am. I sit here and eat my breakfast as I write my morning pages. Today I'm having a banana, a clementine, and a boiled egg. Not bad! I have a good fifty pounds to lose. I know it's one day at a time and no more than two pounds a week. My enemy right now is exercise. I haven't planned and therefore I don't do. But as always I'm working on changing my lifestyle. My clothes are too tight. I don't have anything to wear. I refuse to spend money to buy new ones. I have clothes in my closet and I have to drop the weight so I can wear them. I am taking baby steps and they will grow into adult steps. i have to reach out to My life coach and really get back into a life style change that will benefit my sister and me. I thank God for all that He has given me. I thank Him for His protection. How He has watched over my family and friends. I thank God for healing my youngest grandson. I thank God for bringing my mother through this last stoke that was two years ago. I Thank Him for showing me how Great He Is! I just want to thank Him for His Love and Mercy. This is the day that the Lord has made and I will be glad and rejoice in it. I will trust in Him. Until tomorrow . . .