Morning Pages 2114

Wow! We are in a new month, so much going on in my head. This is the time that Bettie died. She wasn't found for several days. I really feel some sort of way. although she and I didn't see each other on a regular basis. We shared one common bond; our grandson, our first grandson. I was so angry at her for leaving me. We were suppose to raise him together. I know his parents are raising him, but Bettie and I were suppose to be the grandparents. I think about what must be going through Joy's mind at this moment. It's been a year. Time goes by but the sadness and feelings of loss don't go away so easily. I had so much going through my head this morning. The few errands that I have to do this morning. Fee waking up with cramps. Me dreaming all through the night. Do I ever sleep? I guess I would have to go to an expert to find our. I sent my oldest grandson an email this morning. I hope he got it. I went out last night to dinner with my friends. I had such a great time. Laughing and talking and sharing what's been going on in my life. I love them all. I was so glad to see all of them. It felt so good to be out with people. Then the reality hit me and I had to get back to the house with my sister. i can lave her for a few hours but I try not to be too long. I've become a little dependent on her income, and I have to stop that. I have to fall back on my monthly fixed income only. I want to go to Las Vegas, but that may not happen. I need someone else to go with me and then my rate will be cheaper. I haven't reached out to anyone. I know my aunt would probably like to go, or Judy may consider. But why am I hesitating to ask them. That's how fickle I am. I sit here and eat my breakfast as I write my morning pages. Today I'm having a banana, a clementine, and a boiled egg. Not bad! I have a good fifty pounds to lose. I know it's one day at a time and no more than two pounds a week. My enemy right now is exercise. I haven't planned and therefore I don't do. But as always I'm working on changing my lifestyle. My clothes are too tight. I don't have anything to wear. I refuse to spend money to buy new ones. I have clothes in my closet and I have to drop the weight so I can wear them. I am taking baby steps and they will grow into adult steps. i have to reach out to My life coach and really get back into a life style change that will benefit my sister and me. I thank God for all that He has given me. I thank Him for His protection. How He has watched over my family and friends. I thank God for healing my youngest grandson. I thank God for bringing my mother through this last stoke that was two years ago. I Thank Him for showing me how Great He Is! I just want to thank Him for His Love and Mercy. This is the day that the Lord has made and I will be glad and rejoice in it. I will trust in Him. Until tomorrow . . .