Morning Pages 13114

So much going on in my head. I had such a vivid dream this morning. I could feel the young man touching me. He insisted on being so helpful by lending me his CD player. I was trying to work it, but only me I couldn't get it to play. He walked over to me and touched my hand. It startled me, so I jerked it away. I asked him how old was he. He replied, "twenty-five," I said, "I'm twice your age and some." He didn't seem to care but I did. I'm not a cougar. I'm looking for a more mature man, although I do believe he would have pleased me above and beyond the call of duty. Then the alarm on my phone rang and it was time for me to get up. Time to start my day all over again. I have to print the envelopes for Rev. Roberts and I want to try to get them to her today. I am getting ready for tonight. I am meeting my friends for dinner. We are celebrating some birthdays. I'm going in circles again. Adding things to my plate and not completing the things already on it. I get so annoyed with myself and yet I haven't stopped. Each day is a challenge for me. I have to make changes in my life that will be best for me. My morning pages are helping me but I'm still not doing them when I first get up. I'm doing other things first and then I'm writing about that instead of what's really on my mind. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . . Thank you Lord for this day!

Morning Pages 13014

Wow! I text my son yesterday and he responded. I guess it was time or maybe he got tired of people trying to reach him. Once again that's neither here nor there. You can't take the world and try to carry it on your shoulders. I lay in my bed trying to sleep. I think I get sleep but then it feels as though I'm dreaming or thinking all through the night. Then the darn cat is scratching at the door. then I'm thinking about what I have to do. Today is doctor day. Appointments aren't too early but nevertheless I still have to get up and get ready. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. And I feel annoyed with myself. How am I going to make changes and get things done if I don't follow through. I rolled my sister's hair because I decided not to take her to the hairdresser. Then I wondered to myself how long will this go on. I have to maintain her appearance because she will not do it herself. She ties but doesn't hit the mark. It's cold outside but not like yesterday. It was about nine degrees yesterday. Boy, was that cold! This winter is going to be a doozie. I watched the news and two of the warmer states had bad snow storms that shut down their cities. My day started out good and then I went into the basement to wash clothes and was greeted by a wild bird flying around. Of course I was frightened. I threw my bag in the corner and ran out. I waited for my neighbor to return and I let him know about the bird. This changed my whole day. Why I haven't the foggiest idea, but it did? I didn't wash dishes last night. I watched the boob tube and got nothing done. I didn't sew. I should've finished my Big Bag, but I didn't. Excuses, excuses, excuses! There's no reason for doing nothing. I guess I was in a funk! I could use a little nukie or something to pull me out of this slump but I don't even have that. It's been so long I don't remember how many years it's been. I'm a reborn virgin. I don't even know what it feels like to make love or be loved. That's how long it's been. Oh well! Whose fault is that? Mine of course. I Need It!! Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 12914

The very last days of the month. I have to do better with my budget. I am taking my sister to get her hair washed and set. I have to check my funds to make sure I have enough money. It's not going to cost  a lot but still. I spend sometimes like it's water; overflowing. Yesterday was a good day. Still didn't do what I had to do or what I said I was going to accomplish but I did cook dinner. The faucet is still dripping the air is still coming through the front door; blanket still covering that. Oh boy, sometimes I wonder what my problem is why don't I speak up about the little things. I know Billy will take care of them. I ran out of toilet paper; correction I forgot to bring some up stairs last night. So I have to use napkins; nothing wrong with that. It's still paper and you can wipe yourself with it. I would send my sister downstairs for it but I know that would frustrate the hell out of me because she wouldn't be able to find it. I haven't bothered my son in a couple of days. I hope and pray that he is still in school and that the loan came through for him. It's out of my hands, but then it was never in my hands. I want to go to Las Vegas in the fall. But I don't have the down payment for the trip. I need another person because it's cheaper when it's double occupancy, or what ever you call it. How am I going to do this? I should ask my aunt or another friend but I think it's too late. I've known about this trip since Christmas. That's really not a long time. Anyway I'm going to try to go. I would love to take my sister but I know that would be more frustrating for me. It would be like babysitting the whole time. I shouldn't feel that way but it is. what's the real issue that I have with my sister. I don't know. She's mentally challenged and sometimes she just can't do anything for her self and then other times she' on point. Go figure! I guess it depends on the brain, or maybe it depends on how she feels about doing certain things for herself. Lord help me to not get annoyed with her, especially when she ignores what I'm trying to get her to try to do for herself. It's like she has know thought process at all. I was being proactive and completing a job that I had to do for someone. I gave them the items and they missed place what I had given them. Now I have to go out and buy more envelopes to make more. I was a little annoyed because I'm working on making my life better by not waiting around and letting things pile up on my plate. Oh well, Nothing I can do except make them again. I'm sitting here and I really don't know what I want to write about this morning. I have to wash clothes today, and tomorrow I'm taking my mom and sister to the doctor. I'm eating a pop tart, not a good choice for breakfast this morning. I should have boiled an egg. I have two on my plate but one will suffice. I have to cut back on my calorie intake. I have to make two doctor appointments for me. My meds are about to run out and I haven't been to my primary in a year come February. i also have to see my dentist. I retire and it seems like I'm having an issue with my front teeth. I floss and brush; no not three times a day. Maybe twice. It looks lie I'm getting a cavity in the front. Don't Need That! So the time has come, past due to take care of me. Until tomorrow . . . If the Lord spares me tonight.

Morning Pages 12814

That darn cat (Sapphire) keeps pawing the bathroom door. It sounds like she's knocking on the door. She starts at seven o'clock and continues until I open the door. I have to keep her in the bathroom because she climbs and gets into everything while we are sleeping. I really don't like doing it but I have to. So, that's what I go through every morning. I still haven't heard from my youngest son. I think he has classes Monday thru Wednesday. Hopefully I will be meeting with my quilt group tonight. I have a leaky faucet and I need to get Billy to put a new washer on it. What am I waiting for? I've seen him several times and haven't said a word about the drip. I'm wasting water. I, I, I, what am I really thinking. Why am I so scared to express my true feelings? I keep them bottled up and then explode; not good! I long for a companion. I guess I'm waiting for God to send him my way. I haven't and don't go out anymore. It's been so long since I've done that. I mean, hanging out at TGIF or the Office and a few other places. I haven't done that in years. I've been home bound; my choice, or I would go out to dinner with my girl friends. I'm going out on Friday. Having dinner with my friends. I can't wait! I've let myself go. I haven't done my hair or exercised or just kept my appearance up. I guess I've been in a slump. So busy worrying about others and not myself. It's time to focus on me again. No, I don't have to spend a lot of money to take care of me. I just have to do it. Like everything else that I have to do. I'm working on scheduling, planning, preparing, and doing what I have to do in a timely fashion.

Morning Pages 12714

Up early, my youngest grandson is coming to me this morning. I knew he was coming and you would think I would've gone to bed a little earlier, but noooooo not me. Anyway I stood by the door looking as the car pulled up, and my son got out. He looked so tired my eyes filled up because I just feel so helpless. I can't help him and I wish he wouldn't work so hard. But once again as painful as it is it's not my plight. I know now that we all choose our own poison and if that's his then it's his. I have my own poison; it's always been my credit cards. I get then down and something comes up and they are back up. Go figure! I'm still not being a good steward of my finances. Until I do right by my money I will continue to go around in circles. I always have a plan but it never works out the way it should. It gets complicated because I don't stick to the plan. That's my goal this year is to stick to the plan. If I do this in three years I will be debt free. MY GOAL!!! In order for this to work I have to stop spending over my budget; although my budget's been shot and thrown out a long time ago. I know I can do it. I know if I focus on one bill at a time it can be done. I was on the internet, such a wonderful tool; sometimes. I came across an article on Pinterest about cleaning your house in fifteen minutes a day.  And the whole jest of it was to focus on a different part of the house each day. You had a schedule for cleaning your house and you would time your self to see how long it would take. Wow, this may work! I'm going to give it a try. I've already printed out the schedule from the computer. I'm going to time myself to see how long it takes to thoroughly clean the different room in my apartment. So much is racing around in my head as I sit here typing my morning pages. Thinking about the loss of control or was I really in control. I'm realizing that I can't control anything except me. And sometimes I wonder if I can control myself. I start out in the morning eating the right things. Watching my intake. and the my nightfall I'm out of control. What triggers me? I know and then I refuse to learn from what I know. I've been trying to get in touch with my youngest son. He still refuses to answer. Why can't I just leave him alone?  Because I don't trust God. That's why? I pray and ask God to take care of my family all of them and then I'm trying to do the job I asked God to do. I ask God to protect them all. My three sons and their wives and children.  ask God to put a hedge of protection around all my family members those near and far. I have to let go and let God be totally in charge of my life and the lives of my children. I have to set an example for them to follow. That's if it's not too late. We tell our children to do as we say and not as we do. What's that all about? We are suppose to be an example to them; not the opposite. I sit here thinking of my relationship with my parents. Null and void. I didn't have one with my mom, but I can say as I grew older I do remember my dad giving me bits of advise on raising my sons.  I can't fault my parents although at times I do. But if they didn't know better how can they help you. I want to have a good relationship with my adult children. I hope it's not too late. Sometimes our children are scarred by what we have done and we don't know it until something tragic happens and then you find out how they really felt about you. My pray for them is peace, love, and happiness. Until tomorrow . . .

Afternoon Pages 12614

I'm so worried about my son but I have to let go. I know he's going to be alright. Why do I hold on so tight to him? He's the youngest of three and maybe that's why I hold on. I know he can take care of himself. But I really worry about his emotions. Am I the pita that Penn always said I was. Am I being a PITA when it comes to my adult children. I didn't go to church today. Instead I picked up my oldest grandson and we went to the State Diner to have lunch. He had his usual; chicken tenders and french fries. My sister was with us and she had two hot dogs with chili and cheese, and fries.. She also had coleslaw and raspberry ice tea. I dropped my grandson home. Then I headed to find the Seniorita's restaurant. I found it. I'm going there on Friday. Meeting some friends; can't wait.I know this isn't my morning pages but I had to write. I have to keep this up. I text my son and his girl friend. I told him I wouldn't bother him anymore, and when he was ready to talk I'm here. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .

Morning Pages 12514

Rush, rush, rush. That's what happens when you over sleep. Today is food pantry. I didn't go last week so this week is make up for me. Arrived on time and had fifteen minutes to spare. I really enjoy working the food pantry. It helps me to appreciate the small things that some people take for granted. My sister even enjoys helping in the kitchen fixing the freezer bags. This month is re-certification, and your heart goes out to some of the people who you have to turn away because they don't have all of their credentials. This hurts a bit to have to turn people away. It's truly a blessing to be able to help others in their time of need. I know the food pantry helps my mom and sister during the month. You have to be thankful for every little thing. The small blessing are so important. I so thankful for what the Lord has blessed me with. I'm glad to be able to help my sister; although there are times when I could do without her. I see how much she appreciates being able to do different things now. My morning pages became my evening pages because I didn't have time to write this morning. Sometimes I wonder if I was an effective teacher. Did I help the children I was responsible for when I taught? You never really stop teaching because you never really stop learning. We are all lifelong learners. At least that's what we have to strive for. Everyday you learn something new. You may not realize it but you do. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .