Morning Pages 12714

Up early, my youngest grandson is coming to me this morning. I knew he was coming and you would think I would've gone to bed a little earlier, but noooooo not me. Anyway I stood by the door looking as the car pulled up, and my son got out. He looked so tired my eyes filled up because I just feel so helpless. I can't help him and I wish he wouldn't work so hard. But once again as painful as it is it's not my plight. I know now that we all choose our own poison and if that's his then it's his. I have my own poison; it's always been my credit cards. I get then down and something comes up and they are back up. Go figure! I'm still not being a good steward of my finances. Until I do right by my money I will continue to go around in circles. I always have a plan but it never works out the way it should. It gets complicated because I don't stick to the plan. That's my goal this year is to stick to the plan. If I do this in three years I will be debt free. MY GOAL!!! In order for this to work I have to stop spending over my budget; although my budget's been shot and thrown out a long time ago. I know I can do it. I know if I focus on one bill at a time it can be done. I was on the internet, such a wonderful tool; sometimes. I came across an article on Pinterest about cleaning your house in fifteen minutes a day.  And the whole jest of it was to focus on a different part of the house each day. You had a schedule for cleaning your house and you would time your self to see how long it would take. Wow, this may work! I'm going to give it a try. I've already printed out the schedule from the computer. I'm going to time myself to see how long it takes to thoroughly clean the different room in my apartment. So much is racing around in my head as I sit here typing my morning pages. Thinking about the loss of control or was I really in control. I'm realizing that I can't control anything except me. And sometimes I wonder if I can control myself. I start out in the morning eating the right things. Watching my intake. and the my nightfall I'm out of control. What triggers me? I know and then I refuse to learn from what I know. I've been trying to get in touch with my youngest son. He still refuses to answer. Why can't I just leave him alone?  Because I don't trust God. That's why? I pray and ask God to take care of my family all of them and then I'm trying to do the job I asked God to do. I ask God to protect them all. My three sons and their wives and children.  ask God to put a hedge of protection around all my family members those near and far. I have to let go and let God be totally in charge of my life and the lives of my children. I have to set an example for them to follow. That's if it's not too late. We tell our children to do as we say and not as we do. What's that all about? We are suppose to be an example to them; not the opposite. I sit here thinking of my relationship with my parents. Null and void. I didn't have one with my mom, but I can say as I grew older I do remember my dad giving me bits of advise on raising my sons.  I can't fault my parents although at times I do. But if they didn't know better how can they help you. I want to have a good relationship with my adult children. I hope it's not too late. Sometimes our children are scarred by what we have done and we don't know it until something tragic happens and then you find out how they really felt about you. My pray for them is peace, love, and happiness. Until tomorrow . . .