Morning Pages 21214

My phone alarm went off again at 7 am. I rolled over and pressed snooze. A few more minutes to lay here. In the meantime I could hear the cat pawing at the bathroom door. She wanted out. I lay here trying to decide if I should get up. The deciding factor was when the phone rang, so 8:30 it was. I got up checked my voice messages, drank some water, turned on the television; for caller id, and began writing. I was glad that I went to my quilting group last night. It was very cold out but it was good to be with friends. I laughed, sewed, had crazy discussions and completed my straps for my Big Bag. This bag should've taken no more than several hours or a day or two to complete. I've taken several weeks. Why? because I only work on it when I go quilting on Tuesday. I am getting lazier by the day. I don't want to do anything, and yet I know this is not me. I have to go out and pick up my mom's sisters medicines from Stop and Shop. Of course I mentioned this to my mom and now she wants me to buy her something and bring it to her. She said I would have to bring it upstairs because my other sister who lives with her wouldn't come downstairs to get it. Here we go again. I can't get caught up in the constant mess. So I'm going to get dressed and go do what I have to do. Then when I get back I'm going to prepare dinner, work on the bulletins and flier for church, and last but not least work on my projects. I get so angry with myself for letting my mom in my head and making me feel like I have to help her. She's always done this to me or I should say I've always let her do this to me. I pray that she would take charge of herself and try to help herself a little more. She needs to be independent and do what she can for herself. Her basic needs can be done for her by her. I've decided to try to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I won't vent so much to my sisters because they really don't want to hear it. They have their own baggage and anyway sometimes I think some of them aren't listening anyway. I dream of my class, my students, or I dream of teaching again. i know I'm still going through withdrawal. I also think about and dream about being loved in such a way that is both physical as well as spiritual. A love that touches my mind, body, and soul. A love that allows me to be me. A love that I ask what's my pleasure? A love that needs no words just thoughts, just a look, just a smile. A love that is unconditional. Thank God for this day. Enough said . . . Until tomorrow . . .