Morning Pages 12214

I dreamt about Kirstin last night or I should say this morning. There were several people in my dream and it took place in East Orange on Park Ave. Stephanie was also in my dream. She had lost so much weight. She worked out with a group of people to music outside of the house on Park Ave. Kirstin had an accident of some kind and she was carrying around the front bumper. Crazy dream! I went to bed about two o'clock in the morning. I decided to finish the Women's Day flyer, bulletin, and envelopes that are needed for church. I'm going to try to drop them off on Thursday. That's if the roads are clear. It's very cold outside. I have to adhere to my schedule today and get some things completed. Not being able to be in control of the situations or people around me makes me feel a little left out. I know that I'm a part of this family but sometimes I feel like I'm not. I feel like no one wants me anymore. I know this isn't true and it's all in my head but that's what I think about. I left the dishes in the sink for two days now. What's that all about? I haven't the foggiest notion. Each time I put a dish in the sink I told myself to wash it. If you wash it you won't have any to wash later. Do I take my own advice, NO! I'm sitting here thinking about what to type. I have so much inside but afraid to put it on paper. Two nights ago I was feeling some sort of way. I needed to be touched and loved, but there was no one here to give it to me. It's been soooooo long. I can't even remember how many years it's been. A loving touch, a whisper in the ear, a kiss on the lips, behind the ear. A kiss anywhere will do! I wonder how I will react when it does happen? Is giving yourself pleasure a bad thing? Are you suppose to sustain from feeling good? What do you do? Oh well, Enough said  . . . Until tomorrow . . .